MetaFilter

What's the deal with your nickname? How did you get it? If your nickname is self-explanatory, then tell everyone when you first started using the internet, and what was the first thing that made you say "wow, this isn't just a place for freaks after all?" Was it a website? Was it an email from a long-lost friend? Go on, spill it.

Did you come to my profile after reading my comments about relationships or emotional abuse or gender dynamics in relationships?

I wrote a lot of these as a way of distracting myself from my own abusive patterns and fueling my denial. Or sometimes looking for justification or approval for my behavior. For most of my time on Metafilter I've been coercively controlling and abusing my partners.

My current beliefs are:

- There is never any excuse or justification for abusive behavior or hurting others
- Abuse is always a choice
- Anything less than taking complete responsibility for one's behavior signals an unwillingness to change and a desire to continue being abusive
- Abusers will not change unless confronted with consequences, such as the real threat of a relationship ending, loss of public standing, or a court order. Love and patience and help will only prolong the cycle. You cannot help an abuser. You can only refuse to tolerate their abuse and let them decide whether to change or not.

The work of Lundy Bancroft - see his book Why Does He Do That? - is so far the best resource on male-pattern emotional abuse that I've encountered (via my partner). It calls out the patterns and cuts through the bullshit, and places the responsibility for change where it belongs - on the abuser and the choices he makes every day.