The Murphy Bed has been made less lethal.

January 21, 2014 4:22 PM

"Become Enemies with Child" wish no longer appears and other patch notes for The Sims.
posted by griphus (56 comments total)

Hah! Excellent.

From the comments.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 4:33 PM on January 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

Sims who are on fire will no longer be forced to attend graduation before they can put themselves out.

Build a fire for a man, and he'll be warm for a day...
posted by XMLicious at 4:34 PM on January 21, 2014 [10 favorites]

...and don't miss the making-of video.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 4:35 PM on January 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

"Fixed an issue that could cause a teen to be trapped in a child's body when travelling to the future at the exact moment of a birthday" sounds like an elevator pitch for a Disney Channel movie.
posted by griphus at 4:35 PM on January 21, 2014 [19 favorites]

Sims 4 comes out this fall. As if I have any social life left to ruin since Civilization 5.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:39 PM on January 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

Hmm, I think I patched some of these in real life recently.
"Fixed issue with Baby Walker and Playpen that could cause toddler problems."
"Prevented a case where toddlers were allowed to escape a lot and wander freely."
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:40 PM on January 21, 2014 [5 favorites]

I got addicted to one of the early Sims games. I actually started caring about what happened to the characters. I played god and tried to do things I didn't think the game would allow like same-sex relationships, but it let me. Them I broke them up and they got upset and got over it. Then I got them back together again. And it was pretty much like real life. Then a friend told me I needed to get a real life so I put up my Sims.

I do remember lighting a few on fire.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:41 PM on January 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

Dwarf fortress has pretty amazing patch notes, too.
posted by empath at 4:44 PM on January 21, 2014 [7 favorites]

The Murphy Bed has been made less lethal

Dammit.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 4:47 PM on January 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

Dwarf Fortress is pretty much The Sims in expert mode.

It just occurred to me, this whole "make a new version of something but with dwarfs" thing is like something going around. Uwe Rosenberg, creator of the board game Agricola, just made a sequel, called Caverna, just With Dwarfs.

I approve of this trend.
posted by JHarris at 4:51 PM on January 21, 2014 [8 favorites]

I stopped playing the sims2 (and any other sims game) after I spent all night building a barracks type room for the seven women my character was impregnating over and over. I was completely surprised by my actions afterward. While it was happening my thought process was "Wow, I can't believe this game is letting this happen. Let's see if I can get one more." But when the sun came up and when I saw what I had wrought I was finished. There was a single bed, a changing station, a trashcan, a baby bed and a standup shower with a toilet next to it for each of the women. All this was contained in a big warehouse type structure connected to my main house. My character survived off lottery winnings and the money each woman brought with them when they moved in. It was creepy and it kind of makes me wish I had submitted this comment anonymously.
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 4:53 PM on January 21, 2014 [120 favorites]

Sims will no longer receive a wish to "Skinny Dip" with Mummies.

The Best of the Web has been found. We can shut down Metafilter now and just replace it with this list.
posted by kiltedtaco at 4:55 PM on January 21, 2014 [7 favorites]

The Sims, like most other video games, is far more interesting to me as the occasional hilarious gifset rather than the hours upon hours of frustrating gameplay.

also i can never get them to woohoo and it is really annoying
posted by elizardbits at 4:57 PM on January 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

"Ghosts will now properly exit vehicles after arriving at their destination."
posted by xbonesgt at 5:01 PM on January 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

I know I have had single parents have kids. In fact, there's a mission* in one of the add-ons that has a character that starts out as a single mom.

It is a very depressing mission if you don't cheat to get more money.

*I know they're not really missions but it's close enough.
posted by winna at 5:02 PM on January 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Writing patch notes was probably my favorite part of the job when I worked in video games. The combination of freaking bizarre changelogs, smartass QA comments, and bone-stupid bugs themselves was just perfect. One of the best ones was something to the effect of "Patch of roadway will no longer cluck like a chicken when stepped on."
posted by restless_nomad at 5:07 PM on January 21, 2014 [18 favorites]

Some other fun ones, from my UO days:

- Sheep, when sheared, should look correctly unfluffy
- Fixed weird green pixel on map
- Ghosts should now be able to use dungeon stairs
- NPCs in Heartwood will no longer spawn without clothes
- A tamed cow can only be milked by the owner
- Due to their overwhelming deadliness, removed the hostile invading rabbits. Hellcats will spawn instead
- It is no longer possible to engrave pets
- Fixed an issue that occasionally caused Elves with certain types of hairstyles to lose their hair

I do miss that part of the job, at least. Here, it's just pb going "Ok, fixed that up for you" every time a bug is reported. There's no artistry.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:24 PM on January 21, 2014 [24 favorites]

shots fired
posted by elizardbits at 5:28 PM on January 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

I like that the Murphy Bed is still lethal, just less so...
posted by Windopaene at 5:30 PM on January 21, 2014 [9 favorites]

- Fixed an issue that caused Sims to leave their Toddler inside a bar at closing time.

- Toddlers can no longer get fleas.

The award for worst Sim parent goes to...
posted by littlesq at 5:36 PM on January 21, 2014 [5 favorites]

The Nethack bug list is another great example of the genre.
"Eating various brains which should have special handling, don't."
"There are a number of errors handling vomit; and real rats can't vomit."
"Probing may miss Schroedinger's cat."
"NetHack thinks jellyfish have heads."
"Stethoscopes can sometimes be used more often than intended."
"You can get a message that an invisible monster looks much better."
"Candles are fireproof."
posted by this is a thing at 5:59 PM on January 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

[Dwarf Mode -- Diplomacy] While paused, placing designations causes cat adoptions

Oh god, I'm a dwarf and someone has been pausing me.

Fixed an issue with the underwater cave where the tentacles waved forever,

From the "Sims: Fhtagn R'lyeh" expansion.
posted by mrgoat at 6:16 PM on January 21, 2014 [8 favorites]

I haven't played The Sims in probably 12-13 years.

This list tempts me to go back, a little.
posted by Sara C. at 6:16 PM on January 21, 2014

empath: "Dwarf fortress has pretty amazing patch notes, too."

Holy shit. This is amazing. "Dwarf not wearing owned clothing, produces bad thoughts":

Most of my dwarves have been reasonable about wearing their clothing and claiming new stuff when they need to, so long as it's available. However, one of my military dwarfs has just recently had her trousers wear out (or something, not exactly sure). She's getting a mountain of bad thoughts from not having pants, but she isn't trying to wear them, either. She does, in fact, have a pair of perfectly good pants, showing no wear, which she owns- they're in her cabinet in her room. I also have quite a few unclaimed pairs of pants in the stockpile.

Save at http://dffd.wimbli.com/file.php?id=6129, [^] the relevant dwarf is the one who is listed as "Starting fist fight"- she currently seems to be stuck in an infinite loop of that, which is preventing her from doing anything else. She hasn't actually punched anyone yet that I can see, which is a little odd. I thought maybe she couldn't put new pants on because she had her greaves on, so I had a hauler steal those by dumping them, but by the time he got there she was already stuck in the fist fight loop, so she hasn't gotten her pants OR her greaves back yet.

The dwarf is so mad about not having pants, she's constantly trying to start fights and can't get her shit together to get pants.
posted by mhum at 6:44 PM on January 21, 2014 [23 favorites]

I haven't played The Sims in probably 12-13 years.

This list tempts me to go back, a little.

I always have The Sims (1) installed on my computer just in case I ever have the random urge play.

By play I mean building houses.

By building houses I mean recreating houses from TV shows.

I did the house from Malcolm in the Middle last year, and right now I'm (unsuccessfully) trying to make the White house from Breaking Bad.

I swear I am an adult.
posted by littlesq at 7:01 PM on January 21, 2014 [12 favorites]

The magical laundry bear Abracadabra will no longer block Sims from moving after disappearing

What else is there to say?
posted by smidgen at 7:03 PM on January 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

- It is no longer possible to engrave pets

You ruined someone's entire workflow with that one, restless_nomad. I hope you're happy.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:06 PM on January 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Who's got the link of that epic Sims 1 site where some dude set his sims on fire (screenshots only, as far as I can remember)?
posted by slater at 7:15 PM on January 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

I don't have time for those newfangled Sims thingies—I'm still exhausted from keeping up with my Little Computer Person for all these countless years.
posted by sonascope at 7:32 PM on January 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

Save at http://dffd.wimbli.com/file.php?id=6129, [^] the relevant dwarf is the one who is listed as "Starting fist fight"- she currently seems to be stuck in an infinite loop of that, which is preventing her from doing anything else. She hasn't actually punched anyone yet that I can see, which is a little odd. I thought maybe she couldn't put new pants on because she had her greaves on, so I had a hauler steal those by dumping them, but by the time he got there she was already stuck in the fist fight loop, so she hasn't gotten her pants OR her greaves back yet.
The dwarf is so mad about not having pants, she's constantly trying to start fights and can't get her shit together to get pants.

Sounds like depression, really.
posted by empath at 7:36 PM on January 21, 2014 [10 favorites]

Seems to me less like depression and more like a maladaptive behavioral pattern. Dwarfpants Personality Disorder.
posted by this is a thing at 7:59 PM on January 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

Thanks to this thread, and the desire it caused to buy The Sims, I found out that my Origin account had been hacked. I hope whoever did it had fun playing SimCity (because I didn't) but now it's back in my control. Thanks, Metafilter!
posted by Ruki at 8:22 PM on January 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

I did the house from Malcolm in the Middle last year, and right now I'm (unsuccessfully) trying to make the White house from Breaking Bad.

I rarely did this sort of thing, but more often built my own actual house or places I had lived in the past. At one point I was living in a one-bedroom apartment and I noticed that several previous occupants were still receiving the occasional piece of mail. I took note of the names and then I set out to produce a Sim for each of these vanished occupants of apartment 802 (as well as a Sim Biscuit) and then had all seven of us live there simultaneously. One bed, one couch and one cot on the balcony, all seeing pretty steady use. On the other hand, seven incomes let us buy a mansion in fairly short order.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:28 PM on January 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

Here is my favorite bug of all time, from when we (Sims2) were still at alpha:

Issue ID: TS2-38162
Summary: Having Death appear at the same time that the sims get the flu results in Death also getting the flu.
posted by jcruelty at 8:43 PM on January 21, 2014 [33 favorites]

The dwarf is so mad about not having pants, she's constantly trying to start fights and can't get her shit together to get pants.

this is so close to my actual real life oh my god
posted by elizardbits at 9:10 PM on January 21, 2014 [22 favorites]

LITERALLY EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE IS AN ENDLESS STRUGGLE AGAINST PANTS, MY ANCIENT ENEMY
posted by elizardbits at 9:22 PM on January 21, 2014 [13 favorites]

Pants do have one good quality--they can be unbuttoned, a particularly satisfying moment. But then you have to stand up, and that good quality becomes a diabolical liability. For both you and the UPS guy.*

* Or at least for me and my UPS guy.
posted by maxwelton at 9:35 PM on January 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

The Old Republic has some pretty good patch notes once in a while... a few recent amusing ones:

Republic and Imperial fleets now have elevators connecting to the Starfighter Deck, much to the delight of the stranded crew members.

The Dread Guard Dominator who used to patrol the Watchtower Lower Passage on Oricon has been laid off due to his position being unnecessary.

The mysterious floating box on the Imperial Fleet is no longer mysterious, because it is no longer floating.
posted by kmz at 1:09 AM on January 22, 2014 [2 favorites]

Let's not forget the patch notes to Crusader Kings 2...

• If married, women now fool their husbands about the parentage of children born from the bastard birth event
• Louis d'Evreux now has the correct mother
• Tweaked deathdate of Mubashir, Duke of Mallorca, and made him eunuch
• There is now a small chance that the Golden Horde will convert to Nestorianism
• Fixed error in polygamy event
• Characters of a religion where priests are not allowed to marry will now divorce their wives if ordained
• Fixed some bugs with how dead spouses are handled
• Fixed a bug where dead popes would have the incorrect character portrait
• Changes to the bastard children of Antso IV of Navarra
• AI: Will no longer accept giving away women as concubines to characters whose religion they will not intermarry with
• Modding: Added “evil_god_names” to religions, to be used in event texts
• Modding: Added trigger ‘any_spouse_even_if_dead’

posted by Acey at 2:50 AM on January 22, 2014 [5 favorites]

There's a Buzzfeed article in this thread, probably.

10 Videogame Patch Notes That You Would Not Believe.
posted by empath at 3:45 AM on January 22, 2014

"Hmm, I think I patched some of these in real life recently."

RealLife™ Patch Notes:

• Fixed a bug involving excessive drinking, urinating into clothes hampers, and vomiting.
• Partner no longer accepts "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" more than three times.
• Brother-in-law can no longer borrow unlimited amounts of money.
• Internet pissing-matches now result in shame.
• Character will no longer call boss "inept dickweasel" to his face.
• A partner who insists that all opposite-sex friendships be ended now results in a DTMFA.
• Children can no longer leverage divorced parents' guilt into excessive leniency.
• Fixed a bug that allowed unlimited consumption of Doritos without weight gain.
• To resolve a related issue, the Taco Bell "fourthmeal" has been removed.
• Mother-in-law's passive-aggressive child-raising criticism is now ignored instead of internalized.
• The answer to "Do I look fat in this?" is now always "No, you look great."
• "Serenity" and "self-acceptance" are additional options alongside "panic" and "despair".

posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:14 AM on January 22, 2014 [22 favorites]

This is a genre of poetry.
posted by euphorb at 5:25 AM on January 22, 2014 [3 favorites]

I stopped playing the sims2 (and any other sims game) after I spent all night building a barracks type room for the seven women my character was impregnating over and over. I was completely surprised by my actions afterward.

A good friend of mine is a professor of philosophy, specializing in ethics, married to a professor of psychology, and I used to be aghast at the horrible, twisted shit those two would do to their sims.
posted by COBRA! at 5:35 AM on January 22, 2014 [5 favorites]

And thus was triggered my rewatch of Reboot
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:26 AM on January 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

So, I was asked on Twitter to expand on the horrible, twisted shit. So, my friends' abuses of Sims power included:

• No Exit - they'd set up a nicely-appointed bedroom with the heart-shaped bed and use one Sim to lure another into it. Get them to screw. And then remove the door, so that they were trapped in an oubliette with just each other and their shame; no food. I'm pretty sure I remember at least one time when a door was popped in to allow a baby to be delivered, and then removed again.
  
• Fire Parties - Throw the biggest, craziest party they could, getting all of the neighborhood Sims to come over. Then, when the party hit peak, add three or four fireplaces to the room where the party was going on. Cackle with glee at the inevitable mass fiery death.
• Job - I know there was a very concerted attempt to replicate the Book of Job; I don't remember the specifics, but I know they were happy with the results.

posted by COBRA! at 7:09 AM on January 22, 2014 [4 favorites]

From Borderlands2: "Deathtrap* can no longer restore an enemy's shields, even though it was hilarious."

*The mechromancer's pet killer robot
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:19 AM on January 22, 2014 [4 favorites]

Wow, the Crusader Kings notes sound like actual historianship.

(Not that they are doing actual history, but that I can imagine a set of prosaic notes about things historians have discovered/corrected over time which wouldn't be too far off from most of the entries on that list.)
posted by Sara C. at 9:50 AM on January 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

The single parents patch seems to be more about patching spontaneous virgin births.

The one about graduation and putting out fires: feels like there's a metaphor for life in there somewhere.
posted by divabat at 1:35 PM on January 22, 2014 [3 favorites]

Sims no longer have the rare chance of getting permanently stuck while socializing

Sims engineers: please come fix my social anxiety, too.
posted by gingerest at 10:00 PM on January 22, 2014 [3 favorites]

Fixed an issue that caused Sims to leave their Toddler inside a bar at closing time.

Ah, the David Cameron patch.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:05 AM on January 23, 2014 [1 favorite]

Crusader Kings 2 has tons of great patch notes:

- Concubines can now have the ambition to have a daughter
- Eunuchs will no longer ask to be given a title
- Can now elect females as bishops in versions of Christianity scripted to allow that
- The black bastard blood drop is now shown correctly with the new bastard dynasty system
- Cynical rulers may now sometimes switch back to Free Investiture law
- Eudokia is now the Byzantine Empress for six months in 1067
- Added Steam Achievements
- Added Jewish religion.

Finally! Crusader Kings 2 has Steam Achievements. And Jews!
posted by straight at 10:58 AM on January 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

So guys it turns out there's an iPhone version of The Sims but, like Medieval. What this practically means is that it's a hybrid sims/RPG thing where you get to do sword-fighting AND make sweet love to Farmelin the chickenmaid AND rearrange furniture in your hovel. It's fucking rad as fuck.
posted by Sara C. at 5:17 PM on January 24, 2014

Which reminds me, just because it's been a dozen odd years since I've played anything in the Sims universe. If I'm playing a female character and marry a woman, can we have children?
posted by Sara C. at 5:18 PM on January 24, 2014

These are so much fun, I want to raid my wife's collection of old Sims games and install them, just to replicate these bugs.

But I realized I could just look for documentations of them online, and save me the time of actually playing Sims.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:54 AM on January 27, 2014

Wait, there's an iPhone Sims Medieval? I adored that game (although it appears no one else did, since they put out one expansion pack and then nothing else.) I hope it gets more traction in iOS because it's great.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:57 AM on January 27, 2014

Yeah, it's super fun! It's a little bit less sandboxy than other stuff in the Sims universe, but I like that. It's like a fantasy RPG as told through the Sims.
posted by Sara C. at 10:30 AM on January 27, 2014