A Coffee Enema Is the Most Refreshing Way to Spend Your Afternoon

August 23, 2018 7:12 PM

As it turns out, there is a company that makes coffee especially for enemas called Premier Coffee Organics. It’s a Costa Rican blend grown by third-generation coffee farmers that’s not over-roasted so as to protect its healthy phytochemicals. I asked Elena if it tastes good. She said it does, but it’s really for anal use only. Hearing the sound of the coffee grinder from the other room made it all very real. In a few moments, I was going to have two cups of coffee poured into me. (Jeremy Glass, Extra Crispy)
posted by Johnny Wallflower (117 comments total)

Almost certainly a terrible idea.

“There is no medical, scientific evidence to support any positive health claim for coffee enemas. The process can result in sepsis, severe electrolyte imbalance, colitis, proctocolitis, internal burning, rectal perforation, and even brain abscess or heart failure.”

posted by darkstar at 7:18 PM on August 23, 2018 [34 favorites]

I like my coffee like I like my men.
posted by The otter lady at 7:19 PM on August 23, 2018 [89 favorites]

Drunk?
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 7:29 PM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

Nope
posted by sammyo at 7:37 PM on August 23, 2018

Nope, nope, nope, nope
posted by sammyo at 7:38 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

Not my preferred way to wake my ass up in the morning.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:41 PM on August 23, 2018 [15 favorites]

I like my coffee like I like my men.

Bitter?
Black?
In ones' ass?
posted by lalochezia at 7:43 PM on August 23, 2018 [21 favorites]

I read an article a few years ago about a couple who was completely addicted to coffee enemas (took several a day, changed jobs so they could work from home so they could shoot more coffee up each others' butts) and they were like GOSH I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL SO GREAT AND SO HEALTHY REALLY IT'S A GIFT FROM GOD WE ARE SO BLESSSSSSED!!!! @______@ @_______@
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:45 PM on August 23, 2018 [16 favorites]

what a horrible horrible thing to say on a date
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:49 PM on August 23, 2018

You know, I really should RTFA before posting 100% of the time.

Anyway, that couple, man. Memorable for more than just me, apparently.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:53 PM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

I don't care for coffee, but getting caffeine directly in the butt sounds fun. Can I use Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, or Jolt Cola?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:53 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

Don't use a carbonated beverage if you're ticklish...
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:55 PM on August 23, 2018 [4 favorites]

Enemas. Why do I feel like I'm back in the 70s again? Jeez. I know this practice dates back millennia, but: no thank you. Any practice/regimen/pill/snake oil that claims to "detoxify" your body should raise a few red flags. This is like "clean eating." The "WTF factor" outweighs the "science factor."
posted by kozad at 7:55 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]

Double asspresso to go, please.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 7:58 PM on August 23, 2018 [40 favorites]

I like my coffee like I like my men.

Bitter?
Black?
In ones' ass?
posted by lalochezia at 7:43 PM on August 23 [+] [!]

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:01 PM on August 23, 2018

Well, enemas or clysters, were a serious thing in the 18-19th centuries. Not just coffee but other things too, including tobacco. Here is a link Here is the larger wiki article go to history section
posted by jadepearl at 8:02 PM on August 23, 2018

Hearing the sound of the coffee grinder from the other room made it all very real.

[Insert Grindr joke here.]

But yeah, as darkstar points out, don’t do this. Same goes for “colon hydrotherapy” generally. Food from three years ago is not mysteriously hanging out inside you.

Dr. Jen Gunter’s commentary on colonics, and coffee enemas specifically:

There is no data to suggest that a “colonic helps with the elimination of the waste that is transiting the colon on its way out.” That is what bowel movements do. There are no toxins to be cleansed or irrigated. That is fake medicine.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:02 PM on August 23, 2018 [23 favorites]

Detox is a scam. Colonics are a scam. This is a double scam.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:06 PM on August 23, 2018 [16 favorites]

Someone is really angry about civet coffee, aren't they?
posted by allium cepa at 8:12 PM on August 23, 2018 [17 favorites]

Not just coffee but other things too, including tobacco.

Now you're just blowing smoke up my, well...
posted by traveler_ at 8:12 PM on August 23, 2018 [8 favorites]

The previous FPP is about Koontz's reaction when he tried this.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 8:14 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

So a coworker of mine's sister-in-law makes her living giving these things. She has a whole menu of options. You can get all kinds of shit shoved up there apparently. Coffee, saline, whatevs. My coworker said he had this done and it dislodged like 14 pounds of gunk. I don't much believe him on that one. HE's a big guy, but I can't image he's got 14 pounds of impacted fecal matter in his colon, but what the fuck do I know?

Anyway, he said he got hooked up to the machine and it pushes and sucks and keeps doing that until the fluids run clear. He said he was hooked up for like an hour.

Different stroke for different folks and all, and whatevs between consenting adults, but I'm not signing onto this one.

Apparently, they cost bank, and she has no shortage of clients and has several rooms going at once. I'm also told you can get the usual spa stuff done there. Hot rock massages, mani-pedis, saunas, but her specialty is the enema menu.

The only thing I could say to his story was, "Title IX, dude," and "Man, I'm eating." I'm sorry if you read all this. I felt I had to share the pain.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:17 PM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

Obviously what the otter lady meant was that she likes her men roasted to a deep mahogany, ground into tiny particles, extracted in hot water, and then casually thrown away into a nearby trashcan.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:18 PM on August 23, 2018 [31 favorites]

"How did he die?"

"Well it looks like he shoved a bunch of coffee up his ass."

"I, Danny Glover, am too old for this shit of a script. Goodbye."
posted by East14thTaco at 8:19 PM on August 23, 2018 [7 favorites]

You can get all kinds of shit shoved up there

Pretty sure that's the opposite of the whole point.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:21 PM on August 23, 2018 [18 favorites]

And I thought Starbucks was expensive.
posted by spilon at 8:22 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

... a wellness spa in New York that specializes in colon hydrotherapy sessions and offers coffee enemas for $150 ...

$150?!?!

Satch says, 'Leave it all behind ya!'
(w/ Swiss Kriss).
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:23 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

I’m pretty sure a “doctor” here in Indiana was prosecuted several years ago for performing coffee enemas. I believe his claim was that it could cure cancer, or something along that line.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:25 PM on August 23, 2018

Christ, what's up my asshole?
posted by nickggully at 8:31 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]

Anyway, he said he got hooked up to the machine and it pushes and sucks and keeps doing that until the fluids run clear. He said he was hooked up for like an hour.

Couldn’t you just drink a liter of that stuff you get before a colonoscopy? It’s like $20 at the pharmacy and has Brawndo-class electrolytes in it and whatever.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:31 PM on August 23, 2018 [10 favorites]

I had a colonoscopy go... not exactly wrong... but not as planned let's say (to spare you the gory details). So I found this particular statement deeply suspect:

I’ve never released that much fluid in such a short time before in my entire life and, baby, is it refreshing as anything. After the initial shock, all I could do was revel in the good feeling.

Obviously I was doing it wrong. Maybe if it was coffee instead of... well other stuff... perhaps I'd have found it "refreshing" rather than unpleasant (to put it mildly).
posted by Ashwagandha at 8:32 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

People with cancer use it to shrink their tumors

no they fucking don't
posted by standardasparagus at 8:40 PM on August 23, 2018 [58 favorites]

alternatively: a few do, and it does SFA
posted by standardasparagus at 8:41 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

Greg_Ace: Don't use a carbonated beverage if you're ticklish...

Sounds like you speak from experience, Mr. Fizzbottom.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:45 PM on August 23, 2018 [7 favorites]

white people, please, i implore you. look into getting a hobby.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:57 PM on August 23, 2018 [65 favorites]

A of all, nah, I think I’ll go on putting the delicious coffee into my mouth.

B of all, they couldn’t cool it down to blood heat first? That just seems dangerous. Or am I misinterpreting the part about how it was hotter than expected?

C of all, now I want to run the numbers on how much caffeine actually gets absorbed. I wonder how much pharmacokinetic modeling has been developed for enemas. Presumably some, though I suddenly realize I’ve not yet encountered any.
posted by snowmentality at 8:58 PM on August 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

My coworker said he had this done and it dislodged like 14 pounds of gunk. I don't much believe him on that one. HE's a big guy, but I can't image he's got 14 pounds of impacted fecal matter in his colon, but what the fuck do I know?

If he did, an ordinary enema (or even an extraordinary enema) wouldn't help. You can read about fecal impaction and its treatment here, if you like.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:08 PM on August 23, 2018 [5 favorites]

Couldn’t you just drink a liter of that stuff you get before a colonoscopy?

I had to take that stuff once. (They said it would taste like Sprite, which it did not.) It was definitely not a recreational experience, but but at least now I know what a cored apple feels like.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:20 PM on August 23, 2018 [11 favorites]

There is more than one brand of ass coffee, and you can buy them on Amazon. Here. Here. Here. Here. Kits too, here.

I don't buy mouth coffee that costs as much as any of the ass coffee.

People will believe and try anything.
posted by monopas at 9:23 PM on August 23, 2018 [9 favorites]

In a few moments, I was going to have two cups of coffee poured into me. -Jeremy Glass

Nominative determinism is a hell of a drug.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:25 PM on August 23, 2018 [15 favorites]

$150?!?!

I have absolutely no interest in a coffee enema, but I feel like the price is good. I mean. Wouldn't one be concerned if someone offered to perform this service for less?
posted by grandiloquiet at 9:26 PM on August 23, 2018 [7 favorites]

Mr. Fizzbottom

BRB, going to change my user name
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:28 PM on August 23, 2018 [14 favorites]

I'm trying to cut down
posted by thelonius at 9:37 PM on August 23, 2018

Can too many coffee enemas give you butt-jitters?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:41 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

Fizzbottom & Buttjitters is the name of my filk-punk duo.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:46 PM on August 23, 2018 [19 favorites]

white people, please, i implore you. look into getting a hobby.
posted by poffin boffin at 23:57 on 8/23

I got hobbies, I got so many hobbies they're coming out my ass
posted by I paid money to offer this... insight? at 9:48 PM on August 23, 2018 [22 favorites]

Steampunk, that is.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:48 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

jim never has a coffee enema at home...
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:03 PM on August 23, 2018 [35 favorites]

Robin Quivers has been doing this for yeeeaarrss and its hilarious, the stories!!
posted by markbrendanawitzmissesus at 10:17 PM on August 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

"This guy's a one-star general. Patient's in pain. Guess what his orders were? 'Give him a coffee enema.' Then I had to open my big mouth and say, 'With cream and sugar?' I was on a plane for Korea in twelve hours. I mean, I should've done it. The coffee was already brewed."

—Lt. Col. Henry Blake, M*A*S*H
posted by non canadian guy at 10:32 PM on August 23, 2018 [19 favorites]

Kopi luwak is definitely a thing, but it's expensive and modern intensive production is cruel to the civet cats that produce it. What would you say if I told you I could supply an environmentally friendly equivalent made much closer to home, each cup guaranteed to have been steeped for ten minutes?
posted by Joe in Australia at 10:55 PM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

Mike Albo wrote Espresso Enema Grande, a version of this article, in the late nineties, which I vividly recall as the first time I realized, Huh, internet journalism is different.
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:33 PM on August 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

Joe's Joe. Free bucket and hose with every cup.


"Coffee enemas reduce levels of systemic toxicity by up to 700 percent."

I guess I shouldn't have skipped that class in complementary and alternative statistics.
posted by colin.jaquiery at 11:36 PM on August 23, 2018 [17 favorites]

And if you do this with a bunch of meth people will rightfully call you an addict and a pervert.
posted by loquacious at 11:42 PM on August 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

Obviously what the otter lady meant was that she likes her men roasted to a deep mahogany, ground into tiny particles, extracted in hot water, and then casually thrown away into a nearby trashcan.

No, no, I'm pretty sure she means that they make an excellent compost once you're finished with them.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 12:01 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Coffee enema for preparation for small bowel video capsule endoscopy: a pilot study.

Clin Nutr Res. 2014 Jul;3(2):134-41. doi: 10.7762/cnr.2014.3.2.134. Epub 2014 Jul 29.

Abstract

Coffee enemas are believed to cause dilatation of bile ducts and excretion of bile through the colon wall. Proponents of coffee enemas claim that the cafestol palmitate in coffee enhances the activity of glutathione S-transferase, an enzyme that stimulates bile excretion. During video capsule endoscopy (VCE), excreted bile is one of the causes of poor preparation of the small bowel. This study aimed to evaluate the feasibility and effect of coffee enema for preparation of the small bowel during VCE. In this pilot study, 17 of 34 patients were assigned to the coffee enema plus polyethylene glycol (PEG) 2 L ingestion group, whereas the 17 remaining control patients received 2 L of PEG only. The quality of bowel preparation was evaluated in the two patient groups. Bowel preparations in the proximal segments of small bowel were not differ between two groups. In the mid and distal segments of the small intestine, bowel preparations tend to be better in patients who received coffee enemas plus PEG than in patients who received PEG only. The coffee enema group did not experience any complications or side effects. Coffee enemas may be a feasible option, and there were no clinically significant adverse events related to coffee enemas. More prospective randomized studies are warranted to improve small bowel preparation for VCE.
posted by surenoproblem at 12:13 AM on August 24, 2018 [5 favorites]

I simply do not understand why I am not staggeringly wealthy, because apparently a disturbing percentage of humanity are gullible fucking morons who have no idea what to do with their money.

Curse this filthy morality!!
posted by aramaic at 12:19 AM on August 24, 2018 [10 favorites]

You haven’t lived until you’ve tried a ristretto neti pot, and afterwards you won’t want to.
posted by um at 1:02 AM on August 24, 2018 [12 favorites]

With frappés like these, who needs enemas?
posted by chavenet at 1:37 AM on August 24, 2018 [17 favorites]

only half a colon? don't you like my coffee?
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 1:39 AM on August 24, 2018 [7 favorites]

The best part of waking up...
posted by pracowity at 1:57 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

You haven’t lived until you’ve tried a ristretto neti pot, and afterwards you won’t want to.

How To
posted by Songdog at 2:07 AM on August 24, 2018

1) I've done coffee enemas. Never for detox, always to get a buzz.

2) Same with wine enemas. For the buzz.

3) I've done just water enemas, too.

4) Your colon doesn't always cooperate with you and let you take in or later let out what you have planned. The taking in is just annoying, but the not letting out, with coffee or wine, can be problematic. Your body keeps absorbing things. Sometimes you go further than you expected.

Um... that's all I'm going to say about this.
posted by hippybear at 4:10 AM on August 24, 2018 [12 favorites]

This post makes for awkward morning reading.
posted by eirias at 4:17 AM on August 24, 2018

As an antipodean coffee snob, I would suggest that most of the coffee made and sold in New York City is fit for this purpose only.
posted by 1head2arms2legs at 4:23 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

most of the coffee made and sold in New York City is fit for this purpose only.

Hence Don Henley's song:

In a New York coffee grimace
Everything can change
In a New York coffee grimace
Things can get pretty strange
posted by hippybear at 4:37 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

No. No no no. No no no. No no no. No no no.



also, we're going not have coffee sometime in our lifetimes, because climate change, but this is how we're wasting it?
posted by eustacescrubb at 4:52 AM on August 24, 2018 [9 favorites]

coffee, bananas, we're going to lose a lot of things in the next 20 years I suspect.
posted by hippybear at 5:01 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

there is a company that makes coffee especially for enemas - as Tyler Cowen says, markets for everything!
posted by doctornemo at 5:12 AM on August 24, 2018

People of a certain age will associate coffee enemas with the memory of actor Steve McQueen.
posted by gimonca at 5:16 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

How ol' Steve kept that coffee inside himself while he rode that motorcycle, I will never know.
posted by hippybear at 5:18 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Now try this with bubble tea with extra tapioca pearls.
posted by arcticseal at 5:58 AM on August 24, 2018 [11 favorites]

Mr. Fizzbottom

BRB, going to change my user name
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:28 AM

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Fizz at 5:59 AM on August 24, 2018 [11 favorites]

PEG.
posted by amanda at 6:35 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

While many have pondered squirting coffee up their asses, one person did more than ponder. And here we are.
posted by tommasz at 6:38 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Elena assured me that coffee enemas are completely natural

Yes, this occurs in nature all the time.
posted by PatchesPal at 6:43 AM on August 24, 2018 [20 favorites]

So

My dad, who spends a lot of time at the Ithaca Zen Center, gets wheatgrass enemas there sometimes.

I know this because he tells me. He has told me many times.

How do I make him stop
posted by Lawn Beaver at 6:56 AM on August 24, 2018 [32 favorites]

Um... that's all I'm going to say about this.

You've said quite enough, thank you.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:11 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

apparently a disturbing percentage of humanity are gullible fucking morons who have no idea what to do with their money.

If there were some way to combine this with audiophile bullshit I would happily take their money.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:17 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Enough people have covered the fake medicine part of this I should stop. But can we talk about the "apply a castor oil pack to my liver via my stomach" part? This article is the first I'd heard of this particular kind of woo. It sounds like the theory is you put warm castor oil next to the skin and then somehow it magically is absorbed all the way through the skin, the abdominal muscles, and whatever fat you may have in the way and penetrates all the way to the liver? Where the castor oil cleanses and detoxifies you? That's some serious faith healing level nonsense.

Squirting drugs up your butt totally works though. Caffeine, sure, why not. As poor hippybear alluded to alcohol enemas really are a thing. Particularly for alcoholics so far damaged they can't swallow alcohol anymore but still crave getting drunk enough they'll use an enema. There's a wide variety of suppositories real doctors use, too.
posted by Nelson at 7:27 AM on August 24, 2018 [8 favorites]

> Someone is really angry about civet coffee, aren't they?

something something cultural appropriation
posted by davelog at 7:36 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

"This guy's a one-star general. Patient's in pain. Guess what his orders were? 'Give him a coffee enema.' Then I had to open my big mouth and say, 'With cream and sugar?' I was on a plane for Korea in twelve hours. I mean, I should've done it. The coffee was already brewed."

—Lt. Col. Henry Blake, M*A*S*H

I remember this reference (and whole episode) vividly, and yet never heard another mention of a coffee enema until right now, seeing this FPP.
Were people actually doing this before the M*A*S*H joke? Have they been doing it ever since?
posted by rocket88 at 8:19 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

“The best part of wakin’ up is Folgers in your butt!”
posted by sucre at 8:29 AM on August 24, 2018 [12 favorites]

I had to take that stuff once. (They said it would taste like Sprite, which it did not.)

I did as well. Tasted like watered-down Gatorade. Not the worst drink I've ever consumed.

And it looks like you may not need to do that big-drink thing in the near future. This company is working on a easier alternative.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:30 AM on August 24, 2018

Obviously what the otter lady meant was that she likes her men roasted to a deep mahogany, ground into tiny particles, extracted in hot water, and then casually thrown away into a nearby trashcan.

No, no, I'm pretty sure she means that they make an excellent compost once you're finished with them.

Also, I've heard it's a good idea to dump them into your septic tank.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:48 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Mr. Fizzbottom
BRB, going to change my user name

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

You present a fair and compelling point.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:05 AM on August 24, 2018 [9 favorites]

Back in the early 80's, I was living in the Bay Area, and happened in to a chiropractor's office (my neck was bugging me). They immediately wanted to get me started on supplements (both vitamins and powders), and also suggested a weekly caffeine colon cleanse. I backed out of the office as fast as I could. Later, a friend (and nurse) told me "Well of course that would make you feel good - caffeine is absorbed in large intestine!"
Everything old is new again.
posted by dbmcd at 9:55 AM on August 24, 2018

☕👉( * (
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:02 AM on August 24, 2018 [12 favorites]

My mother-in-law insisted on wasting many thousands of her retirement dollars on one of these quack clinics because she thought (not knew, feared) that her actually decompensating liver was cancer, but she was too afraid to have a liver biopsy. Thankfully, when they wanted to give her a coffee enema, she was too embarrassed to have it done, which was a good thing because her liver was actually decompensating and she may have died. Meanwhile, she had those ridiculous foot treatments where they "detoxify your liver" through the soles of your feet (parlour trick) and about $6000 worth of beet juice.

If we hadn't been dealing with my FIL's Alzheimer's at the same time, we would have sued them.
posted by Sophie1 at 10:07 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

I've told this story before but I used to work at a natural foods/supplements store and became aware that there was a woo naturopath doctor in town that we came to refer to as Dr. Booty-Rooter. This was because his number one course of treatment for literally everyone, was a high colonic or several. He also gave his patients a list of supplements they needed to start taking that was so long he gave it to them in a three-ring binder. People were dropping $300-$400 on supplements. Insanity.

Having worked in that store though, there are now very few things that surprise me when it comes to the sticking of things up butts in the name of better health. Also, hey vagina-havers, don't neglect the whole extra orifice you have! Shove some pills and stuff up there too! (Yes, people did this. Yes, people did this and then told me alllll about it. Something about sticking things in your nethers seems to create an inability to blab about it to whomever you can corner.)
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:08 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

You can get all kinds of shit shoved up there apparently. Coffee, saline, whatevs.

For some reason I read "saline" as "snakes" and wow.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:32 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

> "You can get all kinds of shit shoved up there"
> "Pretty sure that's the opposite of the whole point."

Ironically enough, fecal transplants actually *do* serve a medically effective function.
posted by kyrademon at 11:04 AM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

Were people actually doing this before the M*A*S*H joke? Have they been doing it ever since?

Well, if this bit from The Road to Wellville is accurate, it's been going on for a while, with various liquids and semi-liquids involved. (That's Anthony Hopkins as John Kellogg--cereal tycoon, anti-masturbation crusader, and quack remedy guru.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:10 AM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Oh! Oh! Previously on Metafilter: Up the down staircase. A collection of the best Internet links about the 19th century medical practice of rectal feeding. (Sadly, this came up later as one of the ways the CIA tortured prisoners).
posted by Nelson at 11:24 AM on August 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Obviously what the otter lady meant was that she likes her men roasted to a deep mahogany, ground into tiny particles, extracted in hot water, and then casually thrown away into a nearby trashcan.

No, no, I'm pretty sure she means that they make an excellent compost once you're finished with them.

Also, I've heard it's a good idea to dump them into your septic tank.

They also make good ant killers. Sprinkle them around the outside of your house, on ant hills, etc. Very dangerous for dogs, though!

Wait. What are we talking about?
posted by Snowishberlin at 11:34 AM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

white people, please, i implore you. look into getting a hobby.

i think this was a result of trying to get a hobby
posted by numaner at 11:39 AM on August 24, 2018

tommasz: "While many have pondered squirting coffee up their asses, one person did more than ponder. And here we are."

"He was a bold man that first ate an oyster."
posted by Chrysostom at 2:22 PM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm just here for the comments. Well done, everyone. :golf clap:
posted by wintermute2_0 at 2:42 PM on August 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

(because if you clapped any more vigorously the coffee would leak out of your ass!)
posted by hippybear at 2:46 PM on August 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

YAA--whoops
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:06 PM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

The truly adventurous pump Irish coffee up their butts
posted by duffell at 4:14 PM on August 24, 2018

Honestly, whiskey is not a good thing to experience in one's colon. Think about how it feels going down the one way. Yeah, it does that the other, too. Even in irish coffee.
posted by hippybear at 4:23 PM on August 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

Ha ha, coffee up your butt is funny and all, however...

“People with cancer use it to shrink their tumors.”

...I wonder how many people have died because they believed this horseshit. I don't care what you shove up your ass for $150, dying of cancer isn't funny.
posted by AlSweigart at 4:32 PM on August 24, 2018 [3 favorites]

I can see the next craze coming: Baby poop may be source of beneficial probiotics

Scientists at Wake Forest School of Medicine have developed a probiotic “cocktail” derived from gut bacteria strains found in infant feces that may help increase the body’s ability to produce short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs).

“Babies are usually pretty healthy and clearly do not suffer from age-related diseases, such as diabetes and cancer,” Yadav said. “And, of course, their poop is readily available.”

In the study, Yadav’s team collected fecal samples from the diapers of 34 healthy infants. After following a robust protocol of isolation, characterization and safety validation of infant gut-origin Lactobacillus and Enterococcus strains with probiotic attributes, the researchers selected the 10 best out of the 321 analyzed.

The scientists found that the single- and five-dose feeding of these selected probiotics modulated the gut microbiome and enhanced the production of SCFAs in mouse gut and human feces.

Study findings reported in Scientific Reports, a Nature publication.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 5:32 PM on August 24, 2018

AlSweigart, Gerson Therapy claims to cure cancer, arthritis, migraines, allergies, diabetes and "many other degenerative diseases." It's far more expensive than 150 bucks, and it's killed people, including Dr. Gerson himself. [Reported deaths vary, from three to over a dozen; the "official" treatment clinics, in Mexico and Hungary, neglect to track patients, and a lot of ill, desperate people attempt DIY at home.]
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:45 PM on August 24, 2018

I don't care what you shove up your ass for $150, dying of cancer isn't funny.

Maybe if one pumped laughing gas up there...?
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:10 PM on August 24, 2018

"We replaced these white people's usual coffee enemas with rich Folger's crystals..."
posted by HeroZero at 6:40 PM on August 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

"She spoke about a woman who had come to her after traveling to Australia and swore the enema killed a number of parasites that’d be lurking in her system."

Ah yes, of course: Australia, that pestilent, cholera-ridden developing nation from whence an unwary traveller returns chock-full of unnamed, unnamable parasites.
posted by EXISTENZ IS PAUSED at 6:52 PM on August 24, 2018 [6 favorites]

I was telling my friend who likes strong coffee about how Coffee enemas were in the news because of Janet Jackson.

"Coffee enemas?"
"Apparently, yes."
"Sounds horrible"
"Yeah, but I bet it will really wake your shit up."

(Apologies...)
posted by habeebtc at 7:07 PM on August 24, 2018 [2 favorites]

Ah yes, of course: Australia, that pestilent, cholera-ridden developing nation from whence an unwary traveller returns chock-full of unnamed, unnamable parasites.

Wait I want to hear more.
posted by Joe in Australia at 2:08 AM on August 25, 2018 [2 favorites]

Coffee enemas were in the news because of Janet Jackson.

She has done what for us lately?
posted by box at 7:02 AM on August 25, 2018 [2 favorites]

“I want my butt to be REALLY alert, and also I’d maybe like to get a bacterial infection.”
posted by NerdtoriousBIG at 9:03 AM on August 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

Ah yes, of course: Australia, that pestilent, cholera-ridden developing nation from whence an unwary traveller returns chock-full of unnamed, unnamable parasites.

That's just because they mess about administering flat whites or foo-foo siphon coffee to their patients, and your average tapeworm, chupacabra, or capybara is just going to laugh at that nonsense.

You want to annihilate all the bad flora and fauna from your GI tract, you're going to need to administer a pot of American gas station coffee that's been sitting on the burner for 16 hours.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:18 PM on August 25, 2018

President Grover Cleveland had food put up his butt.

Feeding Per Rectum

By Doctor Bliss
posted by adept256 at 1:10 PM on August 26, 2018

I guess if you use the Cloud-to-butt extension, and then replace The Cloud with the language it's written in, sometimes you get Java-to-butt? (which sounds appropriately similar to Jabba the Hutt)
posted by batter_my_heart at 1:22 AM on August 27, 2018

I had a temp job once in the shipping department of a company in Austin that sold all sorts of snake oil and fake medicine, crystals, pyramids, coffee enemas, you name it. If it was bullshit you could sell to a sucker you dedicated a lot of time duping, they had it. There were a few products there that were real, though oversold on their supposed benefits like coconut oil, raw honey with bits of bees still in it, pink salt, and a few other things. Everything else though was just pills filled with filler and homeopathic quantities of useless crap. It was quite a maddening enterprise to be in any way involved with. Coffee enemas were great there though because it was like the one safe thing you could make fun of that no other employee seemed to have drank the kool-aid on. 80 dollar bottle of "eyeball and left big toe" pills that urge you to eat 12 pills every 8 hours for 6 months? Not a fair time to comment on how this person got duped out of a grand for a few weeks supply of nothing with any nutritional or medicinal value. Coffee enemas, though,everyone instinctually understood that loading your ass up with fucking coffee was a bad idea, even if they were convinced a chunk of acrylic could somehow redirect various "energies."
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:02 PM on August 27, 2018

Ah yes, of course: Australia, that pestilent, cholera-ridden developing nation from whence an unwary traveller returns chock-full of unnamed, unnamable parasites.

That’s my family you’re talking about there bud
posted by um at 6:42 PM on August 29, 2018 [1 favorite]