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December 7, 2018 9:15 PM Subscribe
National Treasure Alexandra Petri (previously and ubiquitously) has compiled a list of 100 holiday songs, ranking them from Most Especially Heinous to Best. (She expounded upon the worst holiday song of all a few years ago.)
A ranking of 100 — yes, 100 — Christmas songs
That doesn't really seem like that many Christmas songs.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 9:26 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
That doesn't really seem like that many Christmas songs.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 9:26 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
83. “Mary, Did You Know?”
Out of the eleventy-billion Christmas songs in existence, there is no way this horrid thing cracks the top 100.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 9:30 PM on December 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
Out of the eleventy-billion Christmas songs in existence, there is no way this horrid thing cracks the top 100.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 9:30 PM on December 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
That doesn't really seem like that many Christmas songs.
And yet somehow friggin' Hallelujah made the cut, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by axiom at 9:37 PM on December 7, 2018
And yet somehow friggin' Hallelujah made the cut, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by axiom at 9:37 PM on December 7, 2018
And yet somehow friggin' Hallelujah made the cut, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Any cover of Hallelujah that isn't as explicitly Jewish as the original makes me want to set things on fire so the idea that people put Hallelujah in Christmas Compilations makes me... twitchy.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [20 favorites]
Any cover of Hallelujah that isn't as explicitly Jewish as the original makes me want to set things on fire so the idea that people put Hallelujah in Christmas Compilations makes me... twitchy.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [20 favorites]
I like how she has zero care about context for any of the songs at all, simply how they impact HER.
I was amused to read this, but that's about it.
posted by hippybear at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
I was amused to read this, but that's about it.
posted by hippybear at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
Contrôle-F Tino Rossi - "Petit Papa Noël" (version originale de 1946 remasterisée) ... Zut alors!
posted by Wobbuffet at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Wobbuffet at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I feel vindicated that my bottom 3 are all near the bottom of her list, as well. They are:
1 (worst): I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
2: Do You Hear What I Hear
3: Frosty the Snowman. This was my most hated Christmas song from the time I started working at Gap (some 12 years ago) and they had three versions of it on our Christmas CD, each one worse than the last. It dropped to #3 this year after I heard a Willie Nelson version that didn't make me want to murder God. I don't know a hell of a lot about Willie Nelson but he seems like a cool dude and I'm impressed by anyone that can make this fucking song not heinous.
All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth does not place on my bottom 3 list because it does not exist lalalala
Also idk what she's talking about with Hallelujah because I definitely heard some Jesus-oriented altered-lyrics versions on my Christmas Pandora station and it disgusted me.
This list goes pretty off the rails at the end but you know what, I respect Alexandra Petri for her strong opinions. God knows I have my random Christmas songs that I will throw the fuck down for (hello, I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas). And you know what, I do like Good King Wenceslas.
My favorite Christmas song remains Christmas Eve though.
posted by sunset in snow country at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
1 (worst): I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
2: Do You Hear What I Hear
3: Frosty the Snowman. This was my most hated Christmas song from the time I started working at Gap (some 12 years ago) and they had three versions of it on our Christmas CD, each one worse than the last. It dropped to #3 this year after I heard a Willie Nelson version that didn't make me want to murder God. I don't know a hell of a lot about Willie Nelson but he seems like a cool dude and I'm impressed by anyone that can make this fucking song not heinous.
All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth does not place on my bottom 3 list because it does not exist lalalala
Also idk what she's talking about with Hallelujah because I definitely heard some Jesus-oriented altered-lyrics versions on my Christmas Pandora station and it disgusted me.
This list goes pretty off the rails at the end but you know what, I respect Alexandra Petri for her strong opinions. God knows I have my random Christmas songs that I will throw the fuck down for (hello, I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas). And you know what, I do like Good King Wenceslas.
My favorite Christmas song remains Christmas Eve though.
posted by sunset in snow country at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
So, in Messiah by Handel, that one piece that everyone knows and that is very Christmasy is simply titled "Hallelujah". It's a choral piece. And he shall reign forever and e-e-ever.
posted by hippybear at 9:51 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 9:51 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Frosty the Snowman. This was my most hated Christmas song from the time I started working at Gap (some 12 years ago) and they had three versions of it on our Christmas CD, each one worse than the last.
Before I had my son, Frosty the Snowman was just another middling Christmas song. But when my son was just turning 3, whenever this song came on he would do this hilariously jaunty bouncy dance. It still makes me smile.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:54 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
Before I had my son, Frosty the Snowman was just another middling Christmas song. But when my son was just turning 3, whenever this song came on he would do this hilariously jaunty bouncy dance. It still makes me smile.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:54 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
28. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).” I like the contrast between the generic song title and its strangely urgent subtitle, which does persist throughout the song. It’s like if you had a song called “Hanukkah (Son, If You Can Hear This, I Forgive You)” or “Easter (WE ARE SURROUNDED).”
I still don't understand this song naming convention, but I will now enjoy it much more every time it reminds me of this.
posted by chortly at 9:59 PM on December 7, 2018 [26 favorites]
I still don't understand this song naming convention, but I will now enjoy it much more every time it reminds me of this.
posted by chortly at 9:59 PM on December 7, 2018 [26 favorites]
"Any cover of Hallelujah that isn't as explicitly Jewish as the original makes me want to set things on fire so the idea that people put Hallelujah in Christmas Compilations makes me... twitchy."
They do it because David is a "type" of Christ, typology being a popular (albeit old-fashioned and theologically deprecated) method of interpreting the Bible, in which you hunt around the Old Testament for characters who symbolically prefigure Christ (or events that symbolically prefigure Gospel events or whatever). Jonah is popular because he's a prophet whose swallowing and subsequent vomiting by the whale is considered a "type" of Christ's death and resurrection. David is an obvious type for Jesus in that he's King of Israel, and a popular one because you get all those lovely Psalms to use.
Typology was big in the Middle Ages as a relatively low-culture way to explain the disconnect between the Old and New Testaments; it becomes suuuuuuuuper popular in the Protestant Reformation, especially among Calvinists, and remains a much more active strand of theology in the US than elsewhere as a result, especially in what we might call "folk theology," or the sort of thing that semi-educated preachers teach their congregations and the congregations replicate it.
ANYWAY you won't hear a lot about the glories of typology in your top-notch seminaries this century, but people putting it in their Christmas mixes are definitely doing so for the explicit Jewishness ... they're just reading that as being a prefiguring of Jesus. Which may or may not make you twitchy, but in a slightly different way. :)
But yeah, it's quite traditional for Christmas to include a lot of King David stuff.
in Messiah by Handel, that one piece that everyone knows and that is very Christmasy is simply titled "Hallelujah". It's a choral piece. And he shall reign forever and e-e-ever.
In the list it's the Leonard Cohen piece -- "I heard there was a sacred chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:01 PM on December 7, 2018 [33 favorites]
They do it because David is a "type" of Christ, typology being a popular (albeit old-fashioned and theologically deprecated) method of interpreting the Bible, in which you hunt around the Old Testament for characters who symbolically prefigure Christ (or events that symbolically prefigure Gospel events or whatever). Jonah is popular because he's a prophet whose swallowing and subsequent vomiting by the whale is considered a "type" of Christ's death and resurrection. David is an obvious type for Jesus in that he's King of Israel, and a popular one because you get all those lovely Psalms to use.
Typology was big in the Middle Ages as a relatively low-culture way to explain the disconnect between the Old and New Testaments; it becomes suuuuuuuuper popular in the Protestant Reformation, especially among Calvinists, and remains a much more active strand of theology in the US than elsewhere as a result, especially in what we might call "folk theology," or the sort of thing that semi-educated preachers teach their congregations and the congregations replicate it.
ANYWAY you won't hear a lot about the glories of typology in your top-notch seminaries this century, but people putting it in their Christmas mixes are definitely doing so for the explicit Jewishness ... they're just reading that as being a prefiguring of Jesus. Which may or may not make you twitchy, but in a slightly different way. :)
But yeah, it's quite traditional for Christmas to include a lot of King David stuff.
in Messiah by Handel, that one piece that everyone knows and that is very Christmasy is simply titled "Hallelujah". It's a choral piece. And he shall reign forever and e-e-ever.
In the list it's the Leonard Cohen piece -- "I heard there was a sacred chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:01 PM on December 7, 2018 [33 favorites]
Yes, I know, but I was pointing out that other thing, too.
posted by hippybear at 10:03 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 10:03 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
"Mary Did You Know" is far too low at 83 in that it's not at 100 or in hell.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:09 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Navelgazer at 10:09 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
But I mean technically the Hallelujah Chorus is from the Easter part of the oratorio, not the Christmas part, and Christmas Hallelujah singers should be roundly mocked, right before you join in the singing because OBVIOUSLY you join in.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:12 PM on December 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:12 PM on December 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
ANYWAY you won't hear a lot about the glories of typology in your top-notch seminaries this century, but people putting it in their Christmas mixes are definitely doing so for the explicit Jewishness ... they're just reading that as being a prefiguring of Jesus. Which may or may not make you twitchy, but in a slightly different way. :)
*hand creeps towards matches* No no... *slaps hand* that was a very good and theologically interesting explanation of a thing that has annoyed me for like a decade, I owe it to Eyebrows to not set things on fire. It does make me twitchy. But like *gestures* honestly everything about this season does, and I do love comparative theology like in an intellectual way. Thank you for explaining the thing!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:14 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
*hand creeps towards matches* No no... *slaps hand* that was a very good and theologically interesting explanation of a thing that has annoyed me for like a decade, I owe it to Eyebrows to not set things on fire. It does make me twitchy. But like *gestures* honestly everything about this season does, and I do love comparative theology like in an intellectual way. Thank you for explaining the thing!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:14 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
Ctrl + F 'Fairytale of New York'
No results. :(
She's not a huge fan of the melancholy Peanuts Christmas staples, so I think she might not be too keen on two drug addicts spending the blessed evening in the tank, but it's also pretty upbeat in terms of the melody. I'd forecast it at like mid 70s.
posted by codacorolla at 10:18 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
No results. :(
She's not a huge fan of the melancholy Peanuts Christmas staples, so I think she might not be too keen on two drug addicts spending the blessed evening in the tank, but it's also pretty upbeat in terms of the melody. I'd forecast it at like mid 70s.
posted by codacorolla at 10:18 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
My favorite often-unplayed Christmas songs are "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Here We Go a-Wassailing" because they're about staggering around the village drunkenly demanding more alcoholic booze punch and figgy pudding and not leaving till you get some.
The fact that when both do appear they are sung by angelic children is irritating in the extreme. These are songs meant to be sung with a stomp of snow-covered boots and a punch of a greasy fist in a mitten while your breath steams in the cold air and the good people of the house rush to give you what you want so you will leave them alone, or else join in because they're drunk too and it's Christmas, dammit, have some more booze punch.
posted by emjaybee at 10:19 PM on December 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
The fact that when both do appear they are sung by angelic children is irritating in the extreme. These are songs meant to be sung with a stomp of snow-covered boots and a punch of a greasy fist in a mitten while your breath steams in the cold air and the good people of the house rush to give you what you want so you will leave them alone, or else join in because they're drunk too and it's Christmas, dammit, have some more booze punch.
posted by emjaybee at 10:19 PM on December 7, 2018 [18 favorites]
Yeah, fundamentally typology is pretty disrespectful in how it takes Judaism and forces it into a Christian interpretive framework and disregards all the bits of it that don't fit, which is one reason it fell out of fashion among respectable theologians. (The other reason is that it's not academically grounded in shit like history and linguistics and all that other stuff so it gets dumb fast when you start applying scholarly tools to it.) It makes me twitchy too. I always want to be like, "I know you mean well, but you're being VERY WRONG in ways that are giving me the fremdschamens."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:22 PM on December 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:22 PM on December 7, 2018 [9 favorites]
I fully agree with Good King Wenceslas being #1, that song is a straight bop!
No We Three Kings? I always liked that as a kid for the sad-sounding chord changes and just having a really different musical structure than most popular music and many other carols.
I object to Deck the Halls and all its Fa La Las being in the top 10 while Carol of the Bells is in the bottom 10, when they both have dumb damn lyrics but at least Carol of the Bells is fun to perform. Also I have many fond memories of school choirs putting alternate lyrics to Carol of the Bells and seeing how much they could get away with.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
No We Three Kings? I always liked that as a kid for the sad-sounding chord changes and just having a really different musical structure than most popular music and many other carols.
I object to Deck the Halls and all its Fa La Las being in the top 10 while Carol of the Bells is in the bottom 10, when they both have dumb damn lyrics but at least Carol of the Bells is fun to perform. Also I have many fond memories of school choirs putting alternate lyrics to Carol of the Bells and seeing how much they could get away with.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:27 PM on December 7, 2018 [7 favorites]
TIL that Eyebrows McGee has oPINions about Christmas songs.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:32 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:32 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
No "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"? Fail.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:32 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:32 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
Metafilter: old-fashioned and theologically deprecated
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:34 PM on December 7, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:34 PM on December 7, 2018 [16 favorites]
It makes me twitchy too. I always want to be like, "I know you mean well, but you're being VERY WRONG in ways that are giving me the fremdschamens."
Oh hon. You and yours will always be welcome at my latke parties. XD
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:34 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh hon. You and yours will always be welcome at my latke parties. XD
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:34 PM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
Holy Christ she got every single one right!
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:58 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:58 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
No she didn't. Little Drummer Boy gets placed higher up if for no other reason than In Exelcis Deo, "Mary Di You Know" is the worst musical crime against Christmas, "Dominick the Donkey" gets a comedically high slot because of/despite it's being aural assault on the senses, and there's no Pogues of Christmas in Hollis.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:07 PM on December 7, 2018
posted by Navelgazer at 11:07 PM on December 7, 2018
All due respect to Petri, "The Christmas Shoes" not showing up until #81 makes this entire list suspect.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:07 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:07 PM on December 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
She doesn't have Bobnoxious. Fail.
Police Nabbed my Dad
posted by ashbury at 11:09 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
Police Nabbed my Dad
posted by ashbury at 11:09 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
It really feels like she lost a bet and the punishment was to take a random list of Christmas songs and add commentary to make it sound like she actually ranked them.
posted by ktkt at 11:09 PM on December 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by ktkt at 11:09 PM on December 7, 2018 [14 favorites]
Also, I will never know any terrible lyrics to Carol of the Bells because I only listen to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra version.
posted by ktkt at 11:10 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ktkt at 11:10 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
So some slight backstory:
I used to sing half these goddamn songs with one fucking bad translation of Rock of ages (sorry, Ma'oz Tzur goddammit, not that we'd ever sing it in Hebrew because we were "secular") thrown in to make it "seasonal" rather than "explicitly Christian" which what it was. This was in the (secular supposedly) school choir I was in from about 4th grade til 8th. I feel I need to explain my twitchy-ness RE: Christmas Carols. I love half these songs. (and of course half these songs were written by Jews because America is great sometimes but also weird. Irving Berlin!) But like, I also HATE half these songs because reasons. (Like goddammit just give me Leonard Cohen like give me one goddamn thing.) Petri is of course a national treasure but this list was weirdly triggering through absolutely no fault of Johnny Wallflower's.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:32 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I used to sing half these goddamn songs with one fucking bad translation of Rock of ages (sorry, Ma'oz Tzur goddammit, not that we'd ever sing it in Hebrew because we were "secular") thrown in to make it "seasonal" rather than "explicitly Christian" which what it was. This was in the (secular supposedly) school choir I was in from about 4th grade til 8th. I feel I need to explain my twitchy-ness RE: Christmas Carols. I love half these songs. (and of course half these songs were written by Jews because America is great sometimes but also weird. Irving Berlin!) But like, I also HATE half these songs because reasons. (Like goddammit just give me Leonard Cohen like give me one goddamn thing.) Petri is of course a national treasure but this list was weirdly triggering through absolutely no fault of Johnny Wallflower's.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:32 PM on December 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
No Happy Mondays? No KMFDM? No Monster Magnet?
- Appalled of Abhoria
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 11:34 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
- Appalled of Abhoria
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 11:34 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's a little interesting to see the overlap between the American and British canon of Christmas songs. The absence of my favourite seasonal song, Jethro Tull's Ring Out Solstice Bells might be explained by it not being explicitly about Christmas, or perhaps by my own lack of good taste.
posted by entity447b at 11:38 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by entity447b at 11:38 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
Oh, Ring Out Solstice Bells will be making an appearance in two weeks.
posted by hippybear at 11:40 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 11:40 PM on December 7, 2018 [3 favorites]
CTRL-F "cavalry" 0 hits
Suddenly I'm somehow genuinely annoyed rather than that lazy, sassy, whatever thing I was doing five posts up.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 11:42 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Suddenly I'm somehow genuinely annoyed rather than that lazy, sassy, whatever thing I was doing five posts up.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 11:42 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
I feel like I'm not explaining well-enough why we need to start a charity for those who have been victimized by "Mary Did You Know", but here are a list of bullet points:
1. Musically, it's just the worst. Every worst impulse of modern Christian music piled on top of itself. It's the Book Song you cut from every production of every musical written by a hack since 1990.
2. Lyrically, it's every worst thing you could ask for: cloying, cheap irony, unearned apotheosis. It's like if Patch Adams were a Christmas Song in its fuck-awful oscar-baitiness.
3. It's 100% of the time sung at a Christmas Eve service that would otherwise be fine and everyone knows that in twenty minutes we'll light our candles and sing "Silent Night" while we exuent and that'll be magical but now we've got to listen to the questionable vocal qualities of the deacon's teenage daughter while she warbles through this shitshow and you're not allowed to comment.
4. YES MARY DID KNOW FUCKING GODDAMMIT YOU'VE GOT A BIBLE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU THE ANGEL TOLD HER ALL OF THIS SHIT! FUCK!
tl.dr this is the very worst song and I hate everyone associated with it.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:42 PM on December 7, 2018 [40 favorites]
1. Musically, it's just the worst. Every worst impulse of modern Christian music piled on top of itself. It's the Book Song you cut from every production of every musical written by a hack since 1990.
2. Lyrically, it's every worst thing you could ask for: cloying, cheap irony, unearned apotheosis. It's like if Patch Adams were a Christmas Song in its fuck-awful oscar-baitiness.
3. It's 100% of the time sung at a Christmas Eve service that would otherwise be fine and everyone knows that in twenty minutes we'll light our candles and sing "Silent Night" while we exuent and that'll be magical but now we've got to listen to the questionable vocal qualities of the deacon's teenage daughter while she warbles through this shitshow and you're not allowed to comment.
4. YES MARY DID KNOW FUCKING GODDAMMIT YOU'VE GOT A BIBLE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU THE ANGEL TOLD HER ALL OF THIS SHIT! FUCK!
tl.dr this is the very worst song and I hate everyone associated with it.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:42 PM on December 7, 2018 [40 favorites]
Huh, our blaring-wake-up-on-Christmas-morning-family-anthem is missing - no Mr Hanky The Christmas Poo.
I’ll let myself out.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:55 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
I’ll let myself out.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:55 PM on December 7, 2018 [6 favorites]
I nominate this as the best and most-Petri clip from the article:
28. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).” I like the contrast between the generic song title and its strangely urgent subtitle, which does persist throughout the song. It’s like if you had a song called “Hanukkah (Son, If You Can Hear This, I Forgive You)” or “Easter (WE ARE SURROUNDED).”posted by Navelgazer at 11:57 PM on December 7, 2018 [15 favorites]
I don't understand how there can be songs on this list I don't know.
posted by bongo_x at 1:03 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by bongo_x at 1:03 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
I am assuming Christmas in Hollis is not on the list because it is such a fine song that it transcends Christmas.
Also no Oi to the World, and I am sad. And no Christmas Wrapping! And who the fuck doesn’t like Little Saint Nick?! What is happening???
posted by supercrayon at 1:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Also no Oi to the World, and I am sad. And no Christmas Wrapping! And who the fuck doesn’t like Little Saint Nick?! What is happening???
posted by supercrayon at 1:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
I get the feeling Ms. Petri just doesn’t like Christmas music. Also, #70 should be much higher on the list if for no other reason than it was written by Willie Nelson, as I mentioned in my FPP on the song.
posted by TedW at 1:45 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by TedW at 1:45 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can’t resist asking, shouldn’t the the theme from Die Hard be in there somewhere?
posted by TedW at 1:47 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by TedW at 1:47 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
No "Christmas at Ground Zero"? No "The Night Santa Went Crazy"? No "Albuquerque"? (OK, I guess that last one doesn't fit). Also, why are Weird Al's Christmas songs all so violent, sheesh...
Because of the new run of Dr. Who I also have added Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody to our seasonal music list. I listen to it and hope my brain isn't being eaten by an alien parasite! Woohoo!
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 1:58 AM on December 8, 2018
Because of the new run of Dr. Who I also have added Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody to our seasonal music list. I listen to it and hope my brain isn't being eaten by an alien parasite! Woohoo!
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 1:58 AM on December 8, 2018
As the famous Xmas All-Year song “MeFites, Feel What I Feel!” Has it:
Your list is wrong!
Your list is very wrong!
You misplaced every song!
You mis...placed everrrry song!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:12 AM on December 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
Your list is wrong!
Your list is very wrong!
You misplaced every song!
You mis...placed everrrry song!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:12 AM on December 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
nthing YES MARY KNEW, YOU DICK, IT'S CALLED THE FUCKING MAGNIFICAT
also YES THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS YOU DING-DONG, THERE ARE LIKE 60 MILLION CHRISTIANS IN ETHIOPIA, FUCK
posted by duffell at 3:15 AM on December 8, 2018 [29 favorites]
also YES THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS YOU DING-DONG, THERE ARE LIKE 60 MILLION CHRISTIANS IN ETHIOPIA, FUCK
posted by duffell at 3:15 AM on December 8, 2018 [29 favorites]
“The Fucking Magnificat” is like a much more blasphemous version of “The Aristocrats.” It should probably be told in the style of18th C anti-clerical pornography.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:28 AM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:28 AM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
I fully support "You're a Mean one Mr. Grinch" being so high on the list as it is one of my favorite songs to sing out loud. All year. Along with the trumpet noises. My wife is not such a fan. (Also, the original was sung by THURL RAVENSCROFT, who had an amazing name and was also Tony the Tiger.)
Someday at Christmas by Stevie Wonder is a beautiful and heartbreaking Christmas song. That John Lennon "War is Over if only you imagineer it!" bullshit is absolute trash and should be thrown into the bonfire of history right now please and thank you.
Oh, and The Peace Carol. Not on the list, not a super well-known song, but a good traditional Christmas tune if you like that sort of thing.
posted by duffell at 3:32 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Someday at Christmas by Stevie Wonder is a beautiful and heartbreaking Christmas song. That John Lennon "War is Over if only you imagineer it!" bullshit is absolute trash and should be thrown into the bonfire of history right now please and thank you.
Oh, and The Peace Carol. Not on the list, not a super well-known song, but a good traditional Christmas tune if you like that sort of thing.
posted by duffell at 3:32 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
We play the same set of Christmas songs every year and it’s heavy on the crooners so I always associate Christmas songs with intermittent adverts for war bonds.
posted by Artw at 3:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Artw at 3:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
First, get rid of everything Mannheim Steamroller. Then, kill to death that Christmas mishmash to the tune of Pachelbel's Canon in which British children vaguely mumble Christmas-adjacent phrases for 4 to 7 minutes, I don't know, it feels like forever. Also, "Dear Mr. Jesus" is so treacly and saccharine it makes me want to be mean to children. But that's enough negativity, it's Christmastime.
Carly Rae Jepsen's "Mittens" should be pop Christmas canon (and replace "Last Christmas" in our hearts).
Sufjan Stevens' Christmas albums may be a little overwhelming, but there are a lot of gems there, including "The Friendly Beasts," a song I wish I knew when I was a kid.
Seconding duffell on "Someday at Christmas." And I want to give some love to "Silver Bells," my absolute favorite non-Christian carol. It paints a picture of all the great things of the Christmas season, without encouraging you to buy anything!
posted by CatastropheWaitress at 3:52 AM on December 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
Carly Rae Jepsen's "Mittens" should be pop Christmas canon (and replace "Last Christmas" in our hearts).
Sufjan Stevens' Christmas albums may be a little overwhelming, but there are a lot of gems there, including "The Friendly Beasts," a song I wish I knew when I was a kid.
Seconding duffell on "Someday at Christmas." And I want to give some love to "Silver Bells," my absolute favorite non-Christian carol. It paints a picture of all the great things of the Christmas season, without encouraging you to buy anything!
posted by CatastropheWaitress at 3:52 AM on December 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
I just came in to mention my second-favorite cynical Christmas song: Harvey Danger's "Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas (Sometimes)".
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:56 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:56 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
There is no audio, right? I'm still winning the challenge!
posted by thelonius at 4:29 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by thelonius at 4:29 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
(She expounded upon the worst holiday song of all a few years ago.)
LDB is a bad song and it should feel bad. The Bing Crosby / David Bowie song is less bad, but that doesn't make it not bad. I heard a really melodramatic EDM cover of it last year and it made me want to break things.
But nothing competes with the horror of "Wonderful Christmastime" and I won't budge on that. What this song does with synthesizers is a crime against the memory of Bob Moog, Don Buchla, Harold Bode and Leon Theremin, and probably Bebe Barron and Delia Derbyshire too. All copies of it should be burned immediately.
I heard a modern cover of "Wonderful Christmastime" last week that didn't have the synth cheese, and instead of making me wish for industrial grade earplugs and a quart of vodka, it was simply a dumb song.
posted by Foosnark at 4:59 AM on December 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
LDB is a bad song and it should feel bad. The Bing Crosby / David Bowie song is less bad, but that doesn't make it not bad. I heard a really melodramatic EDM cover of it last year and it made me want to break things.
But nothing competes with the horror of "Wonderful Christmastime" and I won't budge on that. What this song does with synthesizers is a crime against the memory of Bob Moog, Don Buchla, Harold Bode and Leon Theremin, and probably Bebe Barron and Delia Derbyshire too. All copies of it should be burned immediately.
I heard a modern cover of "Wonderful Christmastime" last week that didn't have the synth cheese, and instead of making me wish for industrial grade earplugs and a quart of vodka, it was simply a dumb song.
posted by Foosnark at 4:59 AM on December 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
the horror of "Wonderful Christmastime"
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this song is perhaps unique in the annals of music for guaranteeing the complete and utter opposite of its title.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:22 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this song is perhaps unique in the annals of music for guaranteeing the complete and utter opposite of its title.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:22 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
The Bing Crosby / David Bowie song is less bad
It's hideous. Don't delude yourself.
posted by thelonius at 5:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's hideous. Don't delude yourself.
posted by thelonius at 5:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh, sure, y’all want me to think that y’all are too highbrow for ”The Season’s Upon Us (Dropkick Murphys) or ”Happy Holidays Y’all” (Robert Earl Keen), but I know better.
posted by wintermind at 5:52 AM on December 8, 2018
posted by wintermind at 5:52 AM on December 8, 2018
Best Wenceslas
Second best Wenceslas
Winter Wonderland
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:09 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Second best Wenceslas
Winter Wonderland
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:09 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm confident that Alexandra Petri would enjoy A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer.
posted by SPrintF at 6:10 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by SPrintF at 6:10 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best Hark the Herald
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:15 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:15 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
41. “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” You can sing this as though it includes the word “lettuce,” and no one will notice or stop you.
Ah the song about wonderful deals at the local grocer! "Okra lettuce emporium, okra lettuce empooorium, okra lettuce empooooriuuum, priiiiced so low!"
posted by Elly Vortex at 6:18 AM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
Ah the song about wonderful deals at the local grocer! "Okra lettuce emporium, okra lettuce empooorium, okra lettuce empooooriuuum, priiiiced so low!"
posted by Elly Vortex at 6:18 AM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
Christmas songs are audible ugly sweaters.
posted by MorgansAmoebas at 6:20 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by MorgansAmoebas at 6:20 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
When did we arrive at the consensus that reindeer make the sound CLICK? Did some guy have a big cockroach on his roof and everyone in his life decided to tell him it was reindeer until it went away because he had a weak heart and they didn’t want to alarm him?
If I'd been drinking milk when I read this, it would have come out my nose.
posted by pangolin party at 6:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
If I'd been drinking milk when I read this, it would have come out my nose.
posted by pangolin party at 6:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
I love the melody of "In the Bleak Midwinter" and I have great respect for Christina Rossetti. That said, I give the side-eye any Christmas song that portrays Mary and Joseph trudging through the snow as if it were the moors of Scotland or even a bad travel day in London. It's Judea. It has a Mediterranean climate. It snows every once in a while in Bethlehem but I would wager that unless there was a once-in-a-thousand-year cold spell, water did not "stand like a stone." There are other Christmas carols that are more egregious in their climate projection but this one bugs me because other than that, its a very pretty song.
posted by Elly Vortex at 6:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by Elly Vortex at 6:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [15 favorites]
Dissing Linus and Lucy as hold music is a war about to start. *rolls up sleeves, glares*
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:48 AM on December 8, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:48 AM on December 8, 2018 [15 favorites]
Okay, I'm launching a pre-emptive strike against this "National Treasure" bullshit.
Ranking "Lo A Rose" , "The Holly and the Ivy" in the mid-60's and THEN side-swiping Marvelous Mrs. Maisel with "seems on brand" vomit-inducing influencer snark means nuclear missiles are already launched and headed to whatever pretty cafe this chucklehead writes in.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:57 AM on December 8, 2018
Ranking "Lo A Rose" , "The Holly and the Ivy" in the mid-60's and THEN side-swiping Marvelous Mrs. Maisel with "seems on brand" vomit-inducing influencer snark means nuclear missiles are already launched and headed to whatever pretty cafe this chucklehead writes in.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:57 AM on December 8, 2018
No Last Christmas by Wham(!)(UK)?
Add that, and O Holy Night, drop Grandma Got Run Over and then put the entire list in the exact reverse order.
God I hate Wenceslas. Probably has something to do with being forced to play the recorder in 3rd grade.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:04 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Add that, and O Holy Night, drop Grandma Got Run Over and then put the entire list in the exact reverse order.
God I hate Wenceslas. Probably has something to do with being forced to play the recorder in 3rd grade.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:04 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I give the side-eye any Christmas song that portrays Mary and Joseph trudging through the snow as if it were the moors of Scotland or even a bad travel day in London. It's Judea. It has a Mediterranean climate.
Elly Vortex wins the Most MetaFilteriest Comment award for the thread.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:04 AM on December 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
Elly Vortex wins the Most MetaFilteriest Comment award for the thread.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:04 AM on December 8, 2018 [13 favorites]
Presumably not included because it’s more 80’s Top 40 Radio than ‘traditional’, but by Patty Donahue’s Chainsmoking Ghost, I have to put in a vote for Christmas Wrapping on behalf of the singleton demographic.
Also missing is I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas , for its several charms : Gayla Peevey’s got weird vocal elocution for a 10 year old, it’s fun to sing with a carful of kids a la Jingle Rock Bell (rhinoceros-er-oses!) and its pleasant earwormyness. Listen to it twice tonight and you’ll be humming it and wagging your head when you brush your teeth tomorrow morning.
posted by bartleby at 7:06 AM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
Also missing is I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas , for its several charms : Gayla Peevey’s got weird vocal elocution for a 10 year old, it’s fun to sing with a carful of kids a la Jingle Rock Bell (rhinoceros-er-oses!) and its pleasant earwormyness. Listen to it twice tonight and you’ll be humming it and wagging your head when you brush your teeth tomorrow morning.
posted by bartleby at 7:06 AM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
I can’t resist asking, shouldn’t the the theme from Die Hard be in there somewhere?
There should be a Christmas song where after the magi and the little drummer boy visit the stable, that guy shows up to tell Christ that Die Hard is really a Christmas Movie.
posted by condour75 at 7:09 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
There should be a Christmas song where after the magi and the little drummer boy visit the stable, that guy shows up to tell Christ that Die Hard is really a Christmas Movie.
posted by condour75 at 7:09 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
My favorite often-unplayed Christmas songs are "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Here We Go a-Wassailing" because they're about staggering around the village drunkenly demanding more alcoholic booze punch and figgy pudding and not leaving till you get some.
I would be okay with a lot more wassailing than we typically have these days.
Anyway, while I agree with Alexandra Petri on many things, a Christmas playlist is apparently not among them. My own top ten would include both her #1 and #100, and the rest sprinkled at random somewhere between.
I did like her addressing sidewise (with “Hallelujah”) my pet peeve: the gradual assimilation of EVERYTHING into the canon of Christmas music. Most Christmas songs are just seasonal songs, but traditional music has largely vanished in the last few generations. Now the black hole gravitational field of Xmas draws them all in. “Jingle Bells” began as a Thanksgiving song. “Let It Snow” began life as a Valentine’s Day song. “My Favourite Things” (not on the list?) got pulled in based on passing mentions of snowflakes and brown paper packages tied up with string.
I leave it to the reader as an exercise to note how many Christmas songs actually have explicit references to either baby Jesus or else Santa Claus.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:10 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I would be okay with a lot more wassailing than we typically have these days.
Anyway, while I agree with Alexandra Petri on many things, a Christmas playlist is apparently not among them. My own top ten would include both her #1 and #100, and the rest sprinkled at random somewhere between.
I did like her addressing sidewise (with “Hallelujah”) my pet peeve: the gradual assimilation of EVERYTHING into the canon of Christmas music. Most Christmas songs are just seasonal songs, but traditional music has largely vanished in the last few generations. Now the black hole gravitational field of Xmas draws them all in. “Jingle Bells” began as a Thanksgiving song. “Let It Snow” began life as a Valentine’s Day song. “My Favourite Things” (not on the list?) got pulled in based on passing mentions of snowflakes and brown paper packages tied up with string.
I leave it to the reader as an exercise to note how many Christmas songs actually have explicit references to either baby Jesus or else Santa Claus.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:10 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
In this list, Carol of the Bells was ranked low due to horrible lyrics. That's totally deserved because the English lyrics were slapped on in a sudden Christianization of an original Ukrainian folk song.
Carol of the Bells is originally called Schedryk, and it's a song about a little bird bringing joyful wishes to people in a house. It's more of a tune about springtime. Please enjoy it in its original(-ish) shape.
posted by sixohsix at 7:10 AM on December 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
Carol of the Bells is originally called Schedryk, and it's a song about a little bird bringing joyful wishes to people in a house. It's more of a tune about springtime. Please enjoy it in its original(-ish) shape.
posted by sixohsix at 7:10 AM on December 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
When did we arrive at the consensus that reindeer make the sound CLICK?
Because they do make that sound when walking. Something to do with their foot or knee tendons.
posted by slkinsey at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2018
Because they do make that sound when walking. Something to do with their foot or knee tendons.
posted by slkinsey at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2018
All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
It isn’t on the list because it is on another level entirely, but Christmas in Prison is about as good as music gets, holiday themed or not.
posted by TedW at 7:23 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by TedW at 7:23 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
I am disappointed that Petri didn't rank “Christmas Time (Is Here Again)” higher. Not only does it have the balls to repeat the same two notes over and over again, but does any other Christmas song remind us how to spell the word “out”? I don’t think so!
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 7:24 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 7:24 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Also, can I say how pleased I am that Petri recognizes the importance of “New Year’s” songs as well? Finally, George Harrison’s “Ding Dong, Ding Dong” is getting the recognition it deserves (which is to say, not a lot).
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 7:30 AM on December 8, 2018
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 7:30 AM on December 8, 2018
92. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Love adultery!
I'm not saying it's a good song, but it's not about adultery. Santa Claus is her husband.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 7:40 AM on December 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
I'm not saying it's a good song, but it's not about adultery. Santa Claus is her husband.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 7:40 AM on December 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
"I leave it to the reader as an exercise to note how many Christmas songs actually have explicit references to either baby Jesus"
I mean look if we want to be Jesus-y about it, it's ADVENT CAROL season (O Come O Come Emmanuel) and there are NO CHRISTMAS CAROLS until sundown December 24 (Christian liturgical days start at sundown, following the Jewish tradition) and then you sing them through February 2. Any Jesus-related Christmas carols being sung between Thanksgiving and Christmas have been just as commercialized as everything else by being pulled out of their proper cultural and liturgical place and popped onto radio to sell shit.
Why yes of course I leave my Christmas lights up until February 2, if it's good enough for the Pope, it's good enough for me.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
I mean look if we want to be Jesus-y about it, it's ADVENT CAROL season (O Come O Come Emmanuel) and there are NO CHRISTMAS CAROLS until sundown December 24 (Christian liturgical days start at sundown, following the Jewish tradition) and then you sing them through February 2. Any Jesus-related Christmas carols being sung between Thanksgiving and Christmas have been just as commercialized as everything else by being pulled out of their proper cultural and liturgical place and popped onto radio to sell shit.
Why yes of course I leave my Christmas lights up until February 2, if it's good enough for the Pope, it's good enough for me.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:41 AM on December 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
Bravo to Petri for considering the terrible onomatopoeia of Up on the Housetop, Little Drummer Boy, and especially Frosty the Snowman's "thumpity thump thump".
I love that she includes In the Bleak Midwinter, although it should rank more highly – it gets bonus points for being written by Christina Rossetti of Goblin Market fame.
posted by oulipian at 7:47 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I love that she includes In the Bleak Midwinter, although it should rank more highly – it gets bonus points for being written by Christina Rossetti of Goblin Market fame.
posted by oulipian at 7:47 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
The best holiday songs are Ny Kirree Fo Niaghtey (lyrics; performance) and Mirie it is while sumer ilast because they're about the real meaning of winter: scarcity, danger, and darkness.
posted by jedicus at 8:01 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by jedicus at 8:01 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, I really like that other Christmas song from Trans-Siberian Orchestra, if only because it is from another universe's "A Jim Steinman Christmas."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:05 AM on December 8, 2018
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:05 AM on December 8, 2018
The best thing about this list is that Paul McCartney is appropriatly low on the list and Good King Wencescesceslas is #1. The next best thing is that Mefites have good taste and are posting links which I am adding to my own Spotify Christmas list
posted by vespabelle at 8:06 AM on December 8, 2018
posted by vespabelle at 8:06 AM on December 8, 2018
Me, reading out loud from the list: "“Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas).” This, by John Denver, is a song that exists."
Wife: "Well *that's* not exactly sunshine on your shoulders..."
posted by notsnot at 8:07 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
Wife: "Well *that's* not exactly sunshine on your shoulders..."
posted by notsnot at 8:07 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have to put in a vote for Christmas Wrapping
Thank you for linking to the original song and not the godawful cover I heard at the grocery store the other day. No coal in your stocking this year.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:17 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Thank you for linking to the original song and not the godawful cover I heard at the grocery store the other day. No coal in your stocking this year.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:17 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
There should be a Christmas song where after the magi and the little drummer boy visit the stable, that guy shows up to tell Christ that Die Hard is really a Christmas Movie.
"Come, they told me
Pa rump pum pum pum
To Nakatomi
Pa rump pum pum pum..."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:18 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
"Come, they told me
Pa rump pum pum pum
To Nakatomi
Pa rump pum pum pum..."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:18 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
Sorry you're all wrong this is the best Christmas song ever
First two verses & first chorus:
Look at the streets of the city all covered in snow
Passels of people with presents and places to go
Filling the sidewalks with carols and holiday cheer
Forgetting who makes it all possible year after year
Families flock to their friends for some fruitcake and fun
A fabulous, flavorful feast for their favorite Son
But back at the office there's plenty of work to be done
And there's only one person to count on when everyone's gone
Doug will be there whatever the means
Doug will be there to man the machines
Doug will be there to hold it together like glue
Doug's dependable
Doug's commendable
Doug's determined to be there for you
Doug's the man of the hour, the company Jew
posted by tzikeh at 8:26 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
First two verses & first chorus:
Look at the streets of the city all covered in snow
Passels of people with presents and places to go
Filling the sidewalks with carols and holiday cheer
Forgetting who makes it all possible year after year
Families flock to their friends for some fruitcake and fun
A fabulous, flavorful feast for their favorite Son
But back at the office there's plenty of work to be done
And there's only one person to count on when everyone's gone
Doug will be there whatever the means
Doug will be there to man the machines
Doug will be there to hold it together like glue
Doug's dependable
Doug's commendable
Doug's determined to be there for you
Doug's the man of the hour, the company Jew
posted by tzikeh at 8:26 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
I'd never heard of Ding Dong Merrily on High until I saw an incredibly vulgar sketch on Monty Python, the one where Terry Gilliam shows up to a house dressed in bikini bottoms and a cape, with Michael Palin as his boyfriend, the goatherder (complete with goat). After having shot and killed the man whose house he and his dreadful friends have invited themselves into and taken over, John Cleese's character merrily calls out, "Let's have a ding-dong!" And this is the song they sing.
While the boys (with the addition of The Fred Tomlinson Singers) actually sound pretty good, and I like the song itself, I do not associate anything Christmas-y with this song.
And yeah, I'm with her on The Little Drummer Boy. If I recall correctly, Bowie would have been, too, that's why the producers had to come up with the Peace On Earth bit for him, he refused to sing it straight out.
And can I just say POOR PATTY, oh my god. You did your best, girl. Wherever he is, Donny Hathaway understands.
posted by droplet at 8:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
While the boys (with the addition of The Fred Tomlinson Singers) actually sound pretty good, and I like the song itself, I do not associate anything Christmas-y with this song.
And yeah, I'm with her on The Little Drummer Boy. If I recall correctly, Bowie would have been, too, that's why the producers had to come up with the Peace On Earth bit for him, he refused to sing it straight out.
And can I just say POOR PATTY, oh my god. You did your best, girl. Wherever he is, Donny Hathaway understands.
posted by droplet at 8:38 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
14. “Blue Christmas.” This is too high on the list. I am only putting it here because I like the woman in the background going “WOO-HOO-HOO-HOOoooo” whenever Elvis says “blue.”
If you like that, Alexandra, let me introduce you to Chic Gamine, informally singing in a living room: their drummer (who usually doesn't much sing) takes the lead, while the (usual) singers flatten him with woo-hoo-hoos.
(Chic Gamine doing a more conventional presentation of an obscure Christmas song.)
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:44 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you like that, Alexandra, let me introduce you to Chic Gamine, informally singing in a living room: their drummer (who usually doesn't much sing) takes the lead, while the (usual) singers flatten him with woo-hoo-hoos.
(Chic Gamine doing a more conventional presentation of an obscure Christmas song.)
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:44 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I had no idea The Red Baron Song counted as a Christmas song. That means it goes right beside Feliz Navidad and That Other Song From The Trans-Siberian Orchestra as the only Christmas songs I don't hate.
I guess Last Christmas would count, too, except how Wham!mageddon makes a challenge out of not hearing it and the challenge is somehow more compelling than the refuge of having a fourth Christmas song that doesn't irritate me.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:53 AM on December 8, 2018
I guess Last Christmas would count, too, except how Wham!mageddon makes a challenge out of not hearing it and the challenge is somehow more compelling than the refuge of having a fourth Christmas song that doesn't irritate me.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:53 AM on December 8, 2018
Last Christmas, O Holy Night, and I Want a Hippopotamus are all on the list, y'all.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2018
posted by Navelgazer at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2018
okay fine I'll be the one I'll be the one who defends wonderful christmastime.
it's a completely ramshackle mess. paul got a new synthesizer and was noodling around with it and found some funny noises and said to himself "self, let's halfass a christmas song with this."
this leads us toward a discussion of what the song is actually about: the song is actually about wasted potential. here we've got Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles, and Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles has a piece of technology that exceedingly bright engineers had put their hearts and souls into, and what does he do with it? he sets the synthesizer to fart out some funny sounds and then free-associates about christmas until three minutes and 44 seconds have passed.
but also it's about how wasted potential is okay. you get the sense from this goofy little song that if Paul McCartney hadn't been Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles, if he had just been some lower-middle class dad with some musical talent and a propensity for using same to entertain his friends and embarrass his children, he'd likely have had a happier life. It's a song about how craft is the enemy, about how striving for excellence or whatever is less valuable — less valuable experientially, and maybe even less valuable artistically — than experiencing silly joy. it's a tiny little vision of utopia, of a world where we don't have to fight to be excellent just to survive, a world where we get to simply have a wonderful christmastime. and if the holidays are worth anything as a concept, it's because they allow us to see that faint glimmer of a better world — a kinder, simpler, happier, sloppier world — that could be made from our mean, complex, unhappy and exacting world if only we could get together to do it.
There's no reason to listen to "wonderful christmastime" more than once, because the proper response to the song isn't to listen to christmas music, it's to hang out with your friends and noodle on whatever musical instrument you have at hand, the sillier the instrument the better, and to free-associate about how nice it is to hang out with your friends and make music. and so certainly it's a perversion of the song's small-d democratic message that we've all got to listen to it over and over again every time we go out to a cafe or department store in the months of november or december, but that's not the fault of the song. it's the fault of the fallen world.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2018 [21 favorites]
it's a completely ramshackle mess. paul got a new synthesizer and was noodling around with it and found some funny noises and said to himself "self, let's halfass a christmas song with this."
this leads us toward a discussion of what the song is actually about: the song is actually about wasted potential. here we've got Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles, and Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles has a piece of technology that exceedingly bright engineers had put their hearts and souls into, and what does he do with it? he sets the synthesizer to fart out some funny sounds and then free-associates about christmas until three minutes and 44 seconds have passed.
but also it's about how wasted potential is okay. you get the sense from this goofy little song that if Paul McCartney hadn't been Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles, if he had just been some lower-middle class dad with some musical talent and a propensity for using same to entertain his friends and embarrass his children, he'd likely have had a happier life. It's a song about how craft is the enemy, about how striving for excellence or whatever is less valuable — less valuable experientially, and maybe even less valuable artistically — than experiencing silly joy. it's a tiny little vision of utopia, of a world where we don't have to fight to be excellent just to survive, a world where we get to simply have a wonderful christmastime. and if the holidays are worth anything as a concept, it's because they allow us to see that faint glimmer of a better world — a kinder, simpler, happier, sloppier world — that could be made from our mean, complex, unhappy and exacting world if only we could get together to do it.
There's no reason to listen to "wonderful christmastime" more than once, because the proper response to the song isn't to listen to christmas music, it's to hang out with your friends and noodle on whatever musical instrument you have at hand, the sillier the instrument the better, and to free-associate about how nice it is to hang out with your friends and make music. and so certainly it's a perversion of the song's small-d democratic message that we've all got to listen to it over and over again every time we go out to a cafe or department store in the months of november or december, but that's not the fault of the song. it's the fault of the fallen world.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:55 AM on December 8, 2018 [21 favorites]
this year, I encountered Dominick The Donkey for the first time, as the roommate who moved in last spring fucking loves it and keeps singing it to herself.
Dominick The Donkey is an actual war crime and I hope whoever first wrote it is condemned to step on Legos for all eternity. Upturned Legos. If they are not yet dead, please let me know and I will make it happen.
posted by sciatrix at 8:57 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Dominick The Donkey is an actual war crime and I hope whoever first wrote it is condemned to step on Legos for all eternity. Upturned Legos. If they are not yet dead, please let me know and I will make it happen.
posted by sciatrix at 8:57 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
nthing YES MARY KNEW, YOU DICK, IT'S CALLED THE FUCKING MAGNIFICAT
Nthing that it is impossible to be all “yay Jesus” and then “did Mary know” when the Bible is very very full of how explicitly Mary knew.
Also, if you’re going to include explicitly Christian Christmas music where the fuck is Angels We Have Heard On High?
posted by corb at 8:59 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Nthing that it is impossible to be all “yay Jesus” and then “did Mary know” when the Bible is very very full of how explicitly Mary knew.
Also, if you’re going to include explicitly Christian Christmas music where the fuck is Angels We Have Heard On High?
posted by corb at 8:59 AM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Sticking my head back in yet again to plug Jethro Tull's Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:21 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:21 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon has somehow helped me come around to the idea that there may be a legitimately valuable place in this world for "Wonderful Christmastime" that isn't a landfill or bonfire or whatever. And that is an accomplishment.
92. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Love adultery!
I'm not saying it's a good song, but it's not about adultery. Santa Claus is her husband.
Funny enough, the Jackson 5 version of this song came on earlier--and not only did it not include the classic reveal you refer to, but it also contains a spoken line by little Michael who adorably says "I did! I really did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus! And I'm gonna tell my daddy!" And my wife and I started laughing and shouting NOOOO, you do NOT tell Joe Jackson his wife is messing around with Santa. NO. And then we stopped laughing because, you know, it ain't fucking funny when you think about it for like a second.
posted by duffell at 9:27 AM on December 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
92. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Love adultery!
I'm not saying it's a good song, but it's not about adultery. Santa Claus is her husband.
Funny enough, the Jackson 5 version of this song came on earlier--and not only did it not include the classic reveal you refer to, but it also contains a spoken line by little Michael who adorably says "I did! I really did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus! And I'm gonna tell my daddy!" And my wife and I started laughing and shouting NOOOO, you do NOT tell Joe Jackson his wife is messing around with Santa. NO. And then we stopped laughing because, you know, it ain't fucking funny when you think about it for like a second.
posted by duffell at 9:27 AM on December 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
I am finding myself appreciating Little Drummer Boy more the more it's universally reviled. It's not a hipster irony thing, I'm just someone who's bought ugly furniture because I felt sorry for it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
I don't understand the hatred for Little Drummer Boy. At all. That's fine, but I don't get it.
Let's also not forget the Long Winters' "Christmas with You is the Best," in which John Roderick accidentally crafted the perfect Candlenights song years before Candlenights was invented.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:07 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Let's also not forget the Long Winters' "Christmas with You is the Best," in which John Roderick accidentally crafted the perfect Candlenights song years before Candlenights was invented.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:07 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
The best part of this thread is trying to guess who just read their first Petri column.
posted by PMdixon at 10:15 AM on December 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by PMdixon at 10:15 AM on December 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
I genuinely love the Drummer Boy and always have. Something about the rum-pum-pum pleases my ears.
And there's no donkey braying, which is always a good point in any song.
posted by sciatrix at 10:18 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
And there's no donkey braying, which is always a good point in any song.
posted by sciatrix at 10:18 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
One's first Petri column is a bit like one's first Wes Anderson movie - you're just as likely to be bemused until you've read enough to get on her wavelength, then you'll come back and love all of it.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:20 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Navelgazer at 10:20 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
As an American Jew who spent the formative happy holiday seasons explaining to my Catholic classmates that I was not receiving any presents (no, not even for Hannukah), nor doing anything "special" for Christmas, or even going away on a ski vacation (somehow this was very specifically about the birth of Jesus to my schoolmates), the only Christmas songs that have strong positive associations for me come from movies I loved as a child:
Little Women (1994): Ding Dong Merrily on High, Hark! The Herald Angels Sing: the Little Women sing these carols together. I would have been okay with celebrating Christmas if I got to hang out with Winona Ryder and Claire Danes, tbh.
Goodfellas (1990): Christmas (Baby Please Come Home): again, as an American Jew from Long Island, I felt pretty good about being a neo-Karen but without all of the awful stuff, screaming, visiting prison, and flushing cocaine down the toilet. Otherwise it seemed great.
I have weighed in.
posted by telegraph at 10:21 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
Little Women (1994): Ding Dong Merrily on High, Hark! The Herald Angels Sing: the Little Women sing these carols together. I would have been okay with celebrating Christmas if I got to hang out with Winona Ryder and Claire Danes, tbh.
Goodfellas (1990): Christmas (Baby Please Come Home): again, as an American Jew from Long Island, I felt pretty good about being a neo-Karen but without all of the awful stuff, screaming, visiting prison, and flushing cocaine down the toilet. Otherwise it seemed great.
I have weighed in.
posted by telegraph at 10:21 AM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon, I fear you may be giving too much credit to the lyrical genius who, less than five years previously, gave us “Let ‘Em In,” a song that was clearly written when Paul was too busy noodling around on the piano to be bothered to get the door when someone came over to visit, so he immediately turned to Linda and asked her to get the door instead.
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 10:47 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 10:47 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm surprised "Sleigh Ride" didn't get a lot more hate from her, what with all it's JINGLING and RING-TING-TINGLING, too.
posted by sexyrobot at 10:53 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 10:53 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Last Christmas is objectively the most heinous Christmas song -- no, the most heinous song of any sort -- and Petri is wrong and bad for not acknowledging it as such. I will allow her an idiosyncratic loathing for Little Drummer Boy on the basis of her otherwise outstanding service to our nation, but to allow this auditory putrescence to rise to #30 on her list is an unacceptable affront to all that is good and decent. To have ignored it entirely would have been more fitting, and would have at least spared her readers the agony of this earworm burrowing through our temporal lobes at the mere mention of the title. Her acknowledgement that she has ranked it higher than it deserves serves only to taunt us in our agony, because it means that she knows. She knows what she has done to us. But she delights in salting the would, mocking our suffering by adding that other than the words and the tune, "it is fine." She has revealed a streak of cruelty previously unseen in her oeuvre, and it will take me some time to decide whether I can forgive her for this.
I really hate that fucking song.
posted by biogeo at 10:57 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I really hate that fucking song.
posted by biogeo at 10:57 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
The most shocking thing in the thread is Johnny Wallflower claiming surprise that Eyebrows McGee has Opinions about Christmas (and Advent) songs. Like, has Mr. W never been in a Christmas song thread before?
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:58 AM on December 8, 2018
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:58 AM on December 8, 2018
The thing about Last Christmas is that one line "this year to save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special", that one that makes me wonder so many things. When the heart was given a year ago, did the singer believe the recipient was special at the time but then was proven wrong? Did the singer think "well, this person isn't special or anything, but I'll give them my heart anyway"? Is the singer living an endless repetitive cycle wherein someone "special" comes along and then dashes that illusion?
That one line... so many questions.
posted by hippybear at 11:03 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
That one line... so many questions.
posted by hippybear at 11:03 AM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
hippybear: I like to think of it as a song about self-destructive, un-self-aware patterns, and that it is in this way sort of beautifully tragic.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:06 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Navelgazer at 11:06 AM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I love this. I disagree with maybe 25-50% of it, but I still love it.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:37 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:37 AM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
where the fuck is Angels We Have Heard On High?
Here ya go
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:44 AM on December 8, 2018
Here ya go
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:44 AM on December 8, 2018
One's first Petri column is a bit like one's first Wes Anderson movie
How dare you?! Ms. Petri's work bears no resemblance to the crushingly twee porridge of wasted celluloid that is Wes Anderson's oeuvre. Retract it or I shall demand satisfaction!
MetaFilter: an unacceptable affront to all that is good and decent
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:16 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
How dare you?! Ms. Petri's work bears no resemblance to the crushingly twee porridge of wasted celluloid that is Wes Anderson's oeuvre. Retract it or I shall demand satisfaction!
MetaFilter: an unacceptable affront to all that is good and decent
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:16 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Last night I saw a LatinX-ized version of "A Christmas Carol" (called "A Christmas Cuento) in which a mob of Christmas Future ghosts chased the Scroogess to the tune of "Carol of the Bells," and I realized for the first time what a scary and threatening song it is.
posted by msalt at 12:17 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by msalt at 12:17 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
my family's favorite xmas song: White Wine in the Sun by Tim Minchin
posted by sineater at 12:24 PM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by sineater at 12:24 PM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
I am somewhat pleased to learn that it's not just me that hates "Wonderful Christmastime". I've been bewildered by this song for most of my life. I don't like "Little Drummer Boy" but whatever, that McCartney song is one of the only ones that will make me actually irritated and have to get away from it, and I really like 70's McCartney.
Strangely I have never even noticed the synth, or thought about it anyway, it's the song itself that's terrible, not the recording. I can't really even figure out what it is that's so annoying about it.
Merry Christmas, I Don't Want To Fight Tonight.
posted by bongo_x at 12:30 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Strangely I have never even noticed the synth, or thought about it anyway, it's the song itself that's terrible, not the recording. I can't really even figure out what it is that's so annoying about it.
Merry Christmas, I Don't Want To Fight Tonight.
posted by bongo_x at 12:30 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think you all are not overthinking this article nearly enough.
It is a full-on deconstruction of the genre of listicle, and the sub-genre of year-end top 100 lists. Consider:
-- her open refusal to correspond her list to the 100 best known or most popular songs
-- the complete lack of objective criteria; instead she gleefully obsesses on idiosyncratic peeves;
-- the critique of US-ian ethnocentrism implicit in her inclusion (and mention) of British songs
and most importantly,
-- her explicit attack on the unspoken convention of authorial omniscience and certainty, which normally serves to ironically offend and, hence, drive clickbaity interactions.
EG "I am honestly stunned I have placed this so high. Something is the matter with this list, and I am not sure how to fix it." Do I detect an homage to Douglas Adams' smash hit 1984 video game version of "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," which lied to players about their options and about which direction sounds were coming from? I think I do.
posted by msalt at 12:41 PM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
It is a full-on deconstruction of the genre of listicle, and the sub-genre of year-end top 100 lists. Consider:
-- her open refusal to correspond her list to the 100 best known or most popular songs
-- the complete lack of objective criteria; instead she gleefully obsesses on idiosyncratic peeves;
-- the critique of US-ian ethnocentrism implicit in her inclusion (and mention) of British songs
and most importantly,
-- her explicit attack on the unspoken convention of authorial omniscience and certainty, which normally serves to ironically offend and, hence, drive clickbaity interactions.
EG "I am honestly stunned I have placed this so high. Something is the matter with this list, and I am not sure how to fix it." Do I detect an homage to Douglas Adams' smash hit 1984 video game version of "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," which lied to players about their options and about which direction sounds were coming from? I think I do.
posted by msalt at 12:41 PM on December 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
PS. You can play "Hitchhikers Guide: The Video Game" online for free, thanks to the BBC. Worked for me on Chrome and Firefox but not edge.
posted by msalt at 12:48 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by msalt at 12:48 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
wild that this is the first ever list that contains exactly the right items in exactly the right order
posted by Kwine at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Kwine at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm glad SprintF brought up Lehrer's A Christmas Carol.
I was starting to worry about you people.
Me, I'm just here to point out that neither Joan Jett's Little Drummer Boy, nor Dio and Iommi's God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen get anywhere near the amount of love they deserve.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was starting to worry about you people.
Me, I'm just here to point out that neither Joan Jett's Little Drummer Boy, nor Dio and Iommi's God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen get anywhere near the amount of love they deserve.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
This Christmas
Hannukah O Hannukah (not that one)
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2018
Hannukah O Hannukah (not that one)
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2018
Dominick the Donkey is basically sacred to my Italian-American dad, so I kind of have to love it just for its utter ridiculousness.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:05 PM on December 8, 2018
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:05 PM on December 8, 2018
the last time I suggested a user name for someone to adopt someone went ahead and actually registered it.
As such, I think it would probably be for the best if no one registered an account named "Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles!" because it'd definitely go to my head a little.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 2:19 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
As such, I think it would probably be for the best if no one registered an account named "Paul McCartney of the Beatles, the Goddamned Beatles!" because it'd definitely go to my head a little.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 2:19 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've been rocking mainly 8-bit holiday chiptunes and Benny Grunch these days.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 2:36 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 2:36 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't know half of these songs, being a Brit, but she is dead right about The Little Drummer Boy, which I've loathed since I was a child. Even as a five-year-old it was obvious to me that a drum solo is a completely inappropriate gift for a small baby.
posted by Fuchsoid at 3:20 PM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Fuchsoid at 3:20 PM on December 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
“Last Christmas.” I am ranking this higher than it deserves simply because it is NOT FROM THE ’50s, and I find that a delicious relief.
YES. THANK YOU.
Every year, American culture embarks on a massive project to carefully recreate the Christmases of Baby Boomers' childhoods.
posted by MrBadExample at 3:42 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
YES. THANK YOU.
Every year, American culture embarks on a massive project to carefully recreate the Christmases of Baby Boomers' childhoods.
posted by MrBadExample at 3:42 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
There’s no “Slick Nick, You Devil You” by Fishbone.
There’s also no “Run With The Fox” by Chris Squier (RIP) and Alan White.
And finally, no “Christmas Rappin’” by Kurtis Blow.
I’m calling shenanigans.
posted by stannate at 7:13 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
There’s also no “Run With The Fox” by Chris Squier (RIP) and Alan White.
And finally, no “Christmas Rappin’” by Kurtis Blow.
I’m calling shenanigans.
posted by stannate at 7:13 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Dominick the Donkey is basically sacred to my Italian-American dad, so I kind of have to love it just for its utter ridiculousness.
It is one of the very few titles here I did not recognize. By purest chance, it turned up on the satellite radio this evening as the family was headed off to dinner. I noted it silently but can confirm I have never heard the song before. My wife remarked aloud on the title, then mentioned she had never heard it before, nor had any of the other passengers: we are all Canadians of primarily Northern European extraction, ranging in age from 22 to 75 and have collectively heard a lot of tunes in our lives.
I guess we are among today's lucky 10,000.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:21 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
It is one of the very few titles here I did not recognize. By purest chance, it turned up on the satellite radio this evening as the family was headed off to dinner. I noted it silently but can confirm I have never heard the song before. My wife remarked aloud on the title, then mentioned she had never heard it before, nor had any of the other passengers: we are all Canadians of primarily Northern European extraction, ranging in age from 22 to 75 and have collectively heard a lot of tunes in our lives.
I guess we are among today's lucky 10,000.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:21 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Fishbone - Slick Nick You Devil
And also, literally the greatest rock and roll Christmas album ever Merry Christmas from The Sonics, The Wailers, and The Galaxies.
You’re welcome and Merry Xmas from a guy who bought Billy Squier’s Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You on 45 when he was 14.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:51 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
And also, literally the greatest rock and roll Christmas album ever Merry Christmas from The Sonics, The Wailers, and The Galaxies.
You’re welcome and Merry Xmas from a guy who bought Billy Squier’s Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You on 45 when he was 14.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:51 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I cannot diss the Roches in any manner, but the Best Good King Wenceslas remains theoretical at best, because it would be a mariachi ventriloquist band performing Good King Senor Wenceslas.
If I ever hit Powerball, I will make this happen.
"How good a king was he, really?" *opens box* "S'awright"
posted by delfin at 8:13 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
If I ever hit Powerball, I will make this happen.
"How good a king was he, really?" *opens box* "S'awright"
posted by delfin at 8:13 PM on December 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am somewhat pleased to learn that it's not just me that hates "Wonderful Christmastime".
It is objectively the worst song, in any genre, from any stage in the history of music, ever. I cannot think of anything more offensive to the ears than this piece of shit. Lee Greenwood’s Proud to Be An American is 100 times better. That John Ashcroft song about the soaring eagle is better. I am not exaggerating when I say it makes me want to vomit whenever it comes on.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:16 PM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
It is objectively the worst song, in any genre, from any stage in the history of music, ever. I cannot think of anything more offensive to the ears than this piece of shit. Lee Greenwood’s Proud to Be An American is 100 times better. That John Ashcroft song about the soaring eagle is better. I am not exaggerating when I say it makes me want to vomit whenever it comes on.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:16 PM on December 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Like it would be impossible to intentionally write a song worse than Wonderful Christmas Time.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:17 PM on December 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:17 PM on December 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
Well, I see Dr. Bartfast has Opinions, too.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:25 PM on December 8, 2018
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:25 PM on December 8, 2018
Maybe just one Opinion.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:26 PM on December 8, 2018
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:26 PM on December 8, 2018
Like it would be impossible to intentionally write a song worse than Wonderful Christmas Time.
I beg to differ.
posted by Preserver at 9:17 PM on December 8, 2018
I beg to differ.
posted by Preserver at 9:17 PM on December 8, 2018
Thanks! I hate it!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:06 PM on December 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:06 PM on December 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
On the topic of Christmas music: while going through the links here I was surprised to learn that 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire' was the actual song title, not the opening line to a Christmas song whose name I could never remember. So that's a think I know now.
Also, I can at least appreciate Paul McCartney's 'Wonderful Christmas Time' on a meta level now thanks to Mefi's Own Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon. The song still makes me want to shove a christmas tree up Santa's ass whenever I hear that dinky-donky enema of schmaltz on the mall muzak, but yeah, McCartney meant well I guess.
posted by spoobnooble II: electric bugaboo at 10:20 PM on December 8, 2018
Also, I can at least appreciate Paul McCartney's 'Wonderful Christmas Time' on a meta level now thanks to Mefi's Own Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon. The song still makes me want to shove a christmas tree up Santa's ass whenever I hear that dinky-donky enema of schmaltz on the mall muzak, but yeah, McCartney meant well I guess.
posted by spoobnooble II: electric bugaboo at 10:20 PM on December 8, 2018
> I am somewhat pleased to learn that it's not just me that hates "Wonderful Christmastime".
It is objectively the worst song, in any genre, from any stage in the history of music, ever.
Well, obviously you're wrong, because "Last Christmas" is worse, but "Wonderful Christmastime" is so bad that I'm prepared to acknowledge that this is merely a matter of confusion rather than a moral error. Given how frequently that particular amusical miasma wafts through the shopping malls and coffee shops of America this month, I can sympathize.
posted by biogeo at 10:38 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
It is objectively the worst song, in any genre, from any stage in the history of music, ever.
Well, obviously you're wrong, because "Last Christmas" is worse, but "Wonderful Christmastime" is so bad that I'm prepared to acknowledge that this is merely a matter of confusion rather than a moral error. Given how frequently that particular amusical miasma wafts through the shopping malls and coffee shops of America this month, I can sympathize.
posted by biogeo at 10:38 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
did no one notice there's two number 32? It probably balance out the fact that "One More Sleep 'til Christmas" is in there twice (but different versions), but I chuckled.
posted by numaner at 10:41 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by numaner at 10:41 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
since we're deviating from non-traditional christmas songs, I've always been fond of "Always in the Season" by Pomplamoose and "Papa Noel" by Brenda Lee.
I used to enjoy Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo but with the recent revelations of Mr Hanky on the show it feels wrong now...
posted by numaner at 10:43 PM on December 8, 2018
I used to enjoy Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo but with the recent revelations of Mr Hanky on the show it feels wrong now...
posted by numaner at 10:43 PM on December 8, 2018
amid the litany of mediocre maudlinity, wanted to chime in with the louvin brothers' "shut in at christmas," which, incidentally, pairs well with walter brennan's "just three letters for christmas"
believing msalt's suggestion that petri's aim is "a full-on deconstruction of the genre of listicle, and the sub-genre of year-end top 100 lists" soothes some lingering guilt and irritation from my shameful reading of and reacting to the listicle, although it takes a reader a bit of work (and willingness to engage the material so framed) -- or exposure to msalt's argument -- to get to that. though it does help make sense of all those peanuts-associated vince guaraldi songs other than christmas time is here again appearing on the list -- i just about jumped straight to righteously scanning the comments for germane well-actuallyism upon encountering linus & lucy on the list: not a xmas song! not even by association! -- it seems uncharacteristically dry... or wry... for the petri i'm accustomed to reading.
posted by 20 year lurk at 10:47 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
believing msalt's suggestion that petri's aim is "a full-on deconstruction of the genre of listicle, and the sub-genre of year-end top 100 lists" soothes some lingering guilt and irritation from my shameful reading of and reacting to the listicle, although it takes a reader a bit of work (and willingness to engage the material so framed) -- or exposure to msalt's argument -- to get to that. though it does help make sense of all those peanuts-associated vince guaraldi songs other than christmas time is here again appearing on the list -- i just about jumped straight to righteously scanning the comments for germane well-actuallyism upon encountering linus & lucy on the list: not a xmas song! not even by association! -- it seems uncharacteristically dry... or wry... for the petri i'm accustomed to reading.
posted by 20 year lurk at 10:47 PM on December 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Man no love for the Ramones, Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)?:
Where is Santa? At his sleigh?
Tell me why is it always this way?
Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby?
A timeless and important question, we can all agree.
posted by Pink Frost at 10:48 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Where is Santa? At his sleigh?
Tell me why is it always this way?
Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby?
A timeless and important question, we can all agree.
posted by Pink Frost at 10:48 PM on December 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
does anyone consider It Happened in Sun Valley to be a Christmas song? it's more snow related I guess. I never knew it before South Park, but it's a nice song.
posted by numaner at 10:50 PM on December 8, 2018
posted by numaner at 10:50 PM on December 8, 2018
If you're not listening to the Jackie Gleason Orchestra holiday albums you're doing it wrong.
posted by bongo_x at 1:38 AM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bongo_x at 1:38 AM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Now I am beginning to see that there is a problem with this list, which is that my taste is very strong and very bad
She lost me when Carol of the Bells -- easily one of the top 30 most musically enjoyable standard Christmas songs -- was #95 because she doesn't like bells. After reading that #94 was Linus & Lucy I screamed "Ugh, what DO you like?" at my monitor & scrolled up to find... Dominic the Donkey at #5.
So, she's very funny, but she's also very wrong.
posted by taquito sunrise at 5:36 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
She lost me when Carol of the Bells -- easily one of the top 30 most musically enjoyable standard Christmas songs -- was #95 because she doesn't like bells. After reading that #94 was Linus & Lucy I screamed "Ugh, what DO you like?" at my monitor & scrolled up to find... Dominic the Donkey at #5.
So, she's very funny, but she's also very wrong.
posted by taquito sunrise at 5:36 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maybe Metafilter has has it wrong all along and ranked lists are subjective.
posted by Artw at 7:14 AM on December 9, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by Artw at 7:14 AM on December 9, 2018 [8 favorites]
I don’t think so. If there’s anything Ive learned about democracy it is always possible to argue with each other until we reach universal consensus.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:30 AM on December 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:30 AM on December 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
Maybe Metafilter has has it wrong all along and ranked lists are subjective.
posted by Artw at 7:14 AM on December 9 [2 favorites +] [!]
ALL CHILDREN GATHERED BY THE PIANO:
"STFU, CHARLIE BROWN!"
CHARLIE BROWN, HEAD LOWERED, EXITS.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:05 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Artw at 7:14 AM on December 9 [2 favorites +] [!]
ALL CHILDREN GATHERED BY THE PIANO:
"STFU, CHARLIE BROWN!"
CHARLIE BROWN, HEAD LOWERED, EXITS.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:05 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
ctrl-f:
"Merry Christmas, I Fucked Your Snowman"
"I Want A Casting Couch for Christmas"
"I've Got Some Presents For Santa (And Santa's Got a Big One For Me)"
"Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year"
"Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas"
"Mr. Heat Miser" OR "Mr. Snow Miser" although realistically it is offensive to have one without the other because both deserve equal time
No? Nothing?
Carry on.
posted by delfin at 8:51 AM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
"Merry Christmas, I Fucked Your Snowman"
"I Want A Casting Couch for Christmas"
"I've Got Some Presents For Santa (And Santa's Got a Big One For Me)"
"Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year"
"Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas"
"Mr. Heat Miser" OR "Mr. Snow Miser" although realistically it is offensive to have one without the other because both deserve equal time
No? Nothing?
Carry on.
posted by delfin at 8:51 AM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
I wish more clickbait lists were in this format: just straight up admit that you don't like bells. I don't agree, but at least it isn't a paragraph of text trying to give a subjective personal opinion an objective sheen. I know where she stands with bells, and that's fine.
posted by codacorolla at 9:07 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 9:07 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
1) Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) as performed by Darlene Love
28) As performed by anyone else.
This is proven.
posted by delfin at 11:06 AM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
28) As performed by anyone else.
This is proven.
posted by delfin at 11:06 AM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's hard to find the video but for my money, the best Wenceslas is the trio of Michael Stipe, Mandy Patinkin, and Stephen Colbert.
posted by Ber at 11:25 AM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Ber at 11:25 AM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was going to say that people probably put Hallelujah on their xmas playlists because of keyword confusion but the looked up alternate lyrics and holy Samson WTF. Clearly it is not the Jeff Buckley version that is ruffling the feathers.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:04 PM on December 9, 2018
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:04 PM on December 9, 2018
🎵Centi-baby, scurry down my chimney toniiight🎶
posted by sexyrobot at 12:28 PM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 12:28 PM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Wh—alternate lyrics?
Oh for FUCK'S SAKE they changed the WORDS?
looks closer
OH FOR FUCK'S WHOLE ENTIRE SAKE, I COULD WRITE BETTER WORDS THAN THESE THIS AFTERNOON
This is so terrible, y'all. I thought some doofii were just putting the super-Jewish version on their Christmas playlists because they heard "king" and didn't know any better, but oh my god this is way, way worse.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:00 PM on December 9, 2018
Oh for FUCK'S SAKE they changed the WORDS?
looks closer
OH FOR FUCK'S WHOLE ENTIRE SAKE, I COULD WRITE BETTER WORDS THAN THESE THIS AFTERNOON
This is so terrible, y'all. I thought some doofii were just putting the super-Jewish version on their Christmas playlists because they heard "king" and didn't know any better, but oh my god this is way, way worse.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:00 PM on December 9, 2018
It doesn't even rhyme correctly, and it rhymes "hallelujah" with the same (incorrectly-rhymed) word in every stanza except one near the middle just in case you thought that was a deliberate structural choice, and it contains the entire line "and to the place at which you were" because dude wanted to say "there" but needed to stall for a whole shitload of time. This is THRILLINGLY BAD. If you enjoy metrical poetry and also enjoy the delicious shame of watching someone do something utterly naughty and wrong, this song is for you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:05 PM on December 9, 2018
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:05 PM on December 9, 2018
Merry Christmas I Fucked Your Snowman is an unheralded classic and it should be at least number 37.
posted by h00py at 6:48 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by h00py at 6:48 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I categorically reject secular Christmas music unless it's about (consensual) snowperson fucking.
I also hate bells.
posted by aspersioncast at 6:57 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I also hate bells.
posted by aspersioncast at 6:57 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Luckily, "Snowperson Fucking" fits nicely to the tune of Frosty the Snowman.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:09 PM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:09 PM on December 9, 2018 [3 favorites]
Even as a five-year-old it was obvious to me that a drum solo is a completely inappropriate gift for a small baby.
I dunno, I used to lull my baby daughter to sleep by holding her in superman position and softly beatboxing to her. Maybe someone capable of making their drums pa-rum-pa-pum-pum would work, too. Besides, "Do You Hear What I Hear" features a way, way worse gift:
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 7:32 PM on December 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
I dunno, I used to lull my baby daughter to sleep by holding her in superman position and softly beatboxing to her. Maybe someone capable of making their drums pa-rum-pa-pum-pum would work, too. Besides, "Do You Hear What I Hear" features a way, way worse gift:
Said the Shepard boy to the mighty kingWho comforts a shivering cold baby with metals?!?
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know
A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 7:32 PM on December 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
Probably the most play in the Latino world for Christmas is Mi Burrito Sabanero (sometimes called Mi Burrito de Belen). Belen is Spanish for Bethehem.
I can't find a version that isn't cloying on the internet, which is unfortunate:when done right, it's a fun song, catchy like something from the Jackson Five or Hanson's MmmBop. The cloying versions have 100 million and 68 million hits, the latter one has the lyrics playing.
I've heard the lyrics switched around a bit, which makes it less repetitive than the above examples.
When carolers get into the tuqui-tuqui-tuqui part, they have a blast.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:39 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can't find a version that isn't cloying on the internet, which is unfortunate:when done right, it's a fun song, catchy like something from the Jackson Five or Hanson's MmmBop. The cloying versions have 100 million and 68 million hits, the latter one has the lyrics playing.
I've heard the lyrics switched around a bit, which makes it less repetitive than the above examples.
When carolers get into the tuqui-tuqui-tuqui part, they have a blast.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:39 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I categorically reject secular Christmas music unless it's about (consensual) snowperson fucking.
Kate Bush has you covered with her song Misty, from a couple of years ago.
posted by hippybear at 8:13 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Kate Bush has you covered with her song Misty, from a couple of years ago.
posted by hippybear at 8:13 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
35. “Jingle Bell Rock.” The only objection to this song is that it does not remotely resemble rock, but I like its hustle!
there are many objections to Jingle Bell Rock, most importantly that it is the complete fucking opposite of joy.
say what you want about The Little Drummer Boy, at least it's got a rhythm that actually suggests life.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:34 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
there are many objections to Jingle Bell Rock, most importantly that it is the complete fucking opposite of joy.
say what you want about The Little Drummer Boy, at least it's got a rhythm that actually suggests life.
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:34 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
Regarding 'Fairytale of New York' and its divisive vocabulary, @thejimsmith suggests that one should '[s]imply rewrite the lyrics to be "You scumbag, you maggot, you’ve taped over Taggart", thus both avoiding offence and retaining a mid 80s vibe.'
As a card-carrying queer, I a) am fine with the original lyrics, but b) will assuredly be caterwauling this version at every raucous pub singalong nevertheless.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 5:24 AM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
As a card-carrying queer, I a) am fine with the original lyrics, but b) will assuredly be caterwauling this version at every raucous pub singalong nevertheless.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 5:24 AM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
So the Barking Dogs Jingle Bells is the true number one right? She just had to leave it out due to that big eastern conglomerate.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:12 AM on December 10, 2018
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:12 AM on December 10, 2018
This list made me smile once (#28) and frown much, much more. I like some of her other stuff, but this piece is just too clever by far.
David is an obvious type for Jesus in that he's King of Israel, and a popular one because you get all those lovely Psalms to use.
Also, Jesus is "of the line of David," i.e., David is Jesus' great, great, great great (infinity) grandfather.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 8:20 AM on December 10, 2018
David is an obvious type for Jesus in that he's King of Israel, and a popular one because you get all those lovely Psalms to use.
Also, Jesus is "of the line of David," i.e., David is Jesus' great, great, great great (infinity) grandfather.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 8:20 AM on December 10, 2018
How to feign holiday cheer when you're haunted by Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey. Useful for many among us.
posted by sciatrix at 8:30 AM on December 10, 2018
posted by sciatrix at 8:30 AM on December 10, 2018
Surprised not to see on list:
"On This Day, Earth Shall Ring" (Personent Hodie, Gustav Holst), best Christmas song
"By-Tor the Snow Dog" by Rush (I haven't heard this song, but I know the tune; "... was a very happy pup"
"Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses
"Father Christmas" by the Kinks
And the worst by far is "Sleigh Ride" ... the first time you hear it marks the official start of the Season and you find out how many weeks you'll need to endure
posted by kurumi at 8:56 AM on December 10, 2018
"On This Day, Earth Shall Ring" (Personent Hodie, Gustav Holst), best Christmas song
"By-Tor the Snow Dog" by Rush (I haven't heard this song, but I know the tune; "... was a very happy pup"
"Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses
"Father Christmas" by the Kinks
And the worst by far is "Sleigh Ride" ... the first time you hear it marks the official start of the Season and you find out how many weeks you'll need to endure
posted by kurumi at 8:56 AM on December 10, 2018
I've always liked We Wish You A Merry Christmas on account of the demand for figgy pudding.
Who would demand figgy pudding? Only someone desperate and being systematically starved like Dickensian orphans. And when they up their demands to "We won't go until we get some," then it sounds like a revolt from the wretched tykes who are about to tear apart their evil overlords.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:05 AM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
Who would demand figgy pudding? Only someone desperate and being systematically starved like Dickensian orphans. And when they up their demands to "We won't go until we get some," then it sounds like a revolt from the wretched tykes who are about to tear apart their evil overlords.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:05 AM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm not saying it's a good song, but it's not about adultery. Santa Claus is her husband.
For that, there's They Might Be Giants' "Santa's Beard."
The thing about Last Christmas is that one line "this year to save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special", that one that makes me wonder so many things.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
You shouted "Kali-Ma!" and it burst into flames...
posted by Foosnark at 9:08 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
For that, there's They Might Be Giants' "Santa's Beard."
The thing about Last Christmas is that one line "this year to save me from tears / I'll give it to someone special", that one that makes me wonder so many things.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
You shouted "Kali-Ma!" and it burst into flames...
posted by Foosnark at 9:08 AM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
The trick is to internalize the lyrics from “Slay Ride” based on “Herbert West, Reanimator.” That will put a rictus grin on your face!
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:09 AM on December 10, 2018
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:09 AM on December 10, 2018
is there a place where I can sign to have by-tor and the snow dog recast as a xmas classic? so we can gather at the tobes of hades by flickering torchlight, as in days of old?
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:59 PM on December 10, 2018
posted by Sauce Trough at 12:59 PM on December 10, 2018
there are many objections to Jingle Bell Rock, most importantly that it is the complete fucking opposite of joy.
I like the line "Giddy up Jingle Horse." It's a good thing to shout out during sex, also.
No love for "O Come O Come Emannuel"? The best Christmas songs are the sad sounding ones.
posted by msalt at 1:32 PM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
I like the line "Giddy up Jingle Horse." It's a good thing to shout out during sex, also.
No love for "O Come O Come Emannuel"? The best Christmas songs are the sad sounding ones.
posted by msalt at 1:32 PM on December 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
No love for "O Come O Come Emannuel"? The best Christmas songs are the sad sounding ones.
Much love, but it’s an Advent song.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:03 PM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
Much love, but it’s an Advent song.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:03 PM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't know from lists but I do hate a lot of contemporary Christmas music. It always sounds wrong. But I think this one Christmas in Canada is likely my most hated song and it deserves to be recognised in all its terrible glory.
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:59 PM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Ashwagandha at 4:59 PM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Thanks, I hate it!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:22 PM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:22 PM on December 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
written by Christina Rossetti of Goblin Market fame.
jedicus, you are blowing my mind. I shall share this fact with all my friends be they interested or no!
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 7:18 PM on December 10, 2018
jedicus, you are blowing my mind. I shall share this fact with all my friends be they interested or no!
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 7:18 PM on December 10, 2018
4. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” This song has always read as passive-aggressive to me, and I find that enjoyable.
Hahaha no, now I'm never gonna hear this song again without having a metal debate over where I find it passive-aggressive (mostly not, but after thinking about it too much, the whimsical words of the title seem condescending at least)
posted by grandiloquiet at 7:30 PM on December 10, 2018
Hahaha no, now I'm never gonna hear this song again without having a metal debate over where I find it passive-aggressive (mostly not, but after thinking about it too much, the whimsical words of the title seem condescending at least)
posted by grandiloquiet at 7:30 PM on December 10, 2018
If you think about it sideways, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" does come across a bit like "Well, bless your heart".
posted by hippybear at 8:39 PM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 8:39 PM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Well, yes. If you hear "have yourself a merry little Christmas" you have to wonder how much your coworker resents you for being the one to actually get time off for the holiday. But still, it's preferable to hearing "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS", because that's likely to be followed by your perfect plan being foiled by a terrifically satisfying punch or a devastating shot from an unusually powerful heretofore concealed weapon.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:54 PM on December 10, 2018
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:54 PM on December 10, 2018
"have yourself a merry little Christmas"
I think David Sedaris actually spoke this (in elf suit) in Santaland Dairies. If not, he does in my memory of it. I also like this bit of dialogue:
I think David Sedaris actually spoke this (in elf suit) in Santaland Dairies. If not, he does in my memory of it. I also like this bit of dialogue:
I had two people say that to me today - "I'm going to have you fired." Go ahead, be my guest. I'm wearing a green velvet costume. It doesn't get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are?posted by msalt at 10:25 PM on December 10, 2018
"I'm going to have you fired." And I want to lean over and say,
"I'm going to have you killed."
Honestly, the best part of being able to speak South is that nearly anything can be turned into a Fuck You.
"Well, you just ENJOY your picnic."
"I certainly HOPE she recovers soon."
"I'm CERTAIN it will work out."
So supportive. So hateful.
"Well, you have yourself a MERRY little Christmas!"
posted by hippybear at 10:30 PM on December 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
"Well, you just ENJOY your picnic."
"I certainly HOPE she recovers soon."
"I'm CERTAIN it will work out."
So supportive. So hateful.
"Well, you have yourself a MERRY little Christmas!"
posted by hippybear at 10:30 PM on December 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
I sent this as an unsolicited memail to the person who mentioned that you could sing 'Fucking the Snowman' to the tune of 'Frosty the Snowman' because as soon as I read that, this terrible thing burst into my brain and I couldn't get rid of it and as I was feeling a bit shy that day I didn't post it here.
So now I'm feeling awkward about having thrown this into someone's little envelope (because it is quite crass) and not shy about the content (because beer) so here in the spirit of Christmas it is for all to enjoy:
Fucking the snowman
Was a very big mistake
Cos my clit went blue
And my lips did too
And my arse began to shake
Fucking the snowman
Please avoid it at all cost
It's not worth the pain
Having to explain
Why your crotch is full of frost.
(If anyone is inspired to record this, please make it a thrash version)
posted by h00py at 4:57 AM on December 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
So now I'm feeling awkward about having thrown this into someone's little envelope (because it is quite crass) and not shy about the content (because beer) so here in the spirit of Christmas it is for all to enjoy:
Fucking the snowman
Was a very big mistake
Cos my clit went blue
And my lips did too
And my arse began to shake
Fucking the snowman
Please avoid it at all cost
It's not worth the pain
Having to explain
Why your crotch is full of frost.
(If anyone is inspired to record this, please make it a thrash version)
posted by h00py at 4:57 AM on December 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
What do they put in the beer down there?!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:42 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:42 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I own Swim on CD and 12" because I was an over-enthusiastic consumer of singular product in my time, yet I've never heard any Fishbone song other than Swim and Swim remixes. Gonna take some willpower, but I'm absolutely sitting on Slick Nick to send round to all my mates come the morning of December 25th.
stannate, Slarty Bartfast, you might just have saved Christmas.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 4:59 PM on December 16, 2018
stannate, Slarty Bartfast, you might just have saved Christmas.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 4:59 PM on December 16, 2018
So now I'm feeling awkward about having thrown this into someone's little envelope (because it is quite crass) and not shy about the content (because beer) so here in the spirit of Christmas it is for all to enjoy:
OH GOOD I'M GLAD YOU POSTED THIS I ALMOST POSTED IT MYSELF AS "HEY I GOT THIS ANONYMOUS MESSAGE..." BUT I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT BE WEIRD
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:57 PM on December 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
OH GOOD I'M GLAD YOU POSTED THIS I ALMOST POSTED IT MYSELF AS "HEY I GOT THIS ANONYMOUS MESSAGE..." BUT I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT BE WEIRD
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:57 PM on December 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I own Swim on CD and 12" because I was an over-enthusiastic consumer of singular product in my time, yet I've never heard any Fishbone song other than Swim and Swim remixes.
Say what now?
That's not...
I was a pretty big fan back in the day, and I don't even know what that was until I looked it up on YouTube.
Do yourself a favor and travel back in time to the mid-late 80's and see the best live band ever.
posted by bongo_x at 10:35 PM on December 16, 2018
Here on the verge of Christmas I'll add a favourite for posterity, if only because it is the only English language Christmas song (that I know of) from my Northern Ontario homeland - Little Skidoo.
posted by Ashwagandha at 11:51 AM on December 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Ashwagandha at 11:51 AM on December 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've decided that a lounge version is a good thing too. Here is my terrible rendition.
posted by h00py at 11:49 PM on December 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by h00py at 11:49 PM on December 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by axiom at 9:23 PM on December 7, 2018 [14 favorites]