Why did the scarecrow win a prize?
December 20, 2018 9:22 AM Subscribe
Nihilist Dad Jokes (SL McSweeney's).
Hello, Tired, I’m Dad. Actually, I’m tired too; tired of existence and the futile pursuit of hollow laughter.
posted by Segundus at 10:02 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 10:02 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.
I am still laughing, even though I am merely a shattered husk awaiting my own inevitable disintegration.
posted by briank at 10:08 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am still laughing, even though I am merely a shattered husk awaiting my own inevitable disintegration.
posted by briank at 10:08 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Plus good. Would read again, thus proving my existence is but a hollow repetition of stimulus and response.
posted by Quasirandom at 10:59 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Quasirandom at 10:59 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
My 7-year old nephew told a great one:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 11:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [14 favorites]
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 11:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [14 favorites]
In much the same vein: Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths
posted by angiep at 11:06 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by angiep at 11:06 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
I enjoyed this temporary distraction from the meaninglessness of my existence.
posted by slogger at 11:13 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by slogger at 11:13 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
My 7-year old nephew told a great one:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why does the hyena laugh?
Because the monkey was dead.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
mothjoke.mkv
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:17 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:17 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
I wish the premise had been integrated into the dad jokes themselves; standard dad joke + nihilist addendum is some low-hanging fruit IMO.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:22 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:22 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
prize bull octorok: I wish the premise had been integrated into the dad jokes themselves; standard dad joke + nihilist addendum is some low-hanging fruit IMO.
Sounds like a challenge.
posted by clawsoon at 11:26 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sounds like a challenge.
posted by clawsoon at 11:26 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Challenge taken:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HORRIFIC MIRROR THAT REFLECTS ONLY OUR OWN FAILURES AND CRYPTIC DEATH.
What do I win?
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 11:34 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HORRIFIC MIRROR THAT REFLECTS ONLY OUR OWN FAILURES AND CRYPTIC DEATH.
What do I win?
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 11:34 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
3 blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid... and the whole scene unfolds, with a tedious inevitability.
Credit: Bill Bailey
posted by protorp at 11:37 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Credit: Bill Bailey
posted by protorp at 11:37 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant, for its struggles and desires are as meaningless from the perspective of the universe as our own.
And yet Nietzsche was right that time's obliteration of all we care about cannot lessen the significance of our choices. Time says "it was," we reply "so we willed it." A thing of beauty is a joy forever, and it is in our power to choose beauty, life and love.
Trumpet, irrelephant! Let your voice, so soon silenced, echo like a nova. Shake the stars!
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 11:38 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
And yet Nietzsche was right that time's obliteration of all we care about cannot lessen the significance of our choices. Time says "it was," we reply "so we willed it." A thing of beauty is a joy forever, and it is in our power to choose beauty, life and love.
Trumpet, irrelephant! Let your voice, so soon silenced, echo like a nova. Shake the stars!
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 11:38 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
Why did God fall out of Heaven?
He was dead.
posted by ejs at 11:40 AM on December 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
He was dead.
posted by ejs at 11:40 AM on December 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
To get to the Other Side.
posted by jamjam at 11:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]
To get to the Other Side.
posted by jamjam at 11:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]
I'm not often a fan of the McSweeney's style of humor, but this one tickled me. Probably best read while sipping a peaty whisky or some dark and bitter brew, for proper atmosphere.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:04 PM on December 20, 2018
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:04 PM on December 20, 2018
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It is pointless to look for meaning in the random bumping and grinding of atoms.
posted by Pyry at 12:39 PM on December 20, 2018
A: It is pointless to look for meaning in the random bumping and grinding of atoms.
posted by Pyry at 12:39 PM on December 20, 2018
Q: Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the monkey.
posted by NemesisVex at 12:46 PM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
A: It was stapled to the monkey.
posted by NemesisVex at 12:46 PM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
One of the first weird funny things I remember finding on the web was this Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook, which contains this existentialist recipe/joke:
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.
posted by skewed at 12:53 PM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.
posted by skewed at 12:53 PM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
A man walks into a bar, the pain a sharp and sudden concentration of the otherwise attenuated agony of a life lived.
Q: Is this insecticide good for for mosquitos?
A: No - it kills everything it touches. Drink it with me.
So, Dad, I was thinking...
No you weren't. It is entirely quiet behind your eyes except for self-centredness and entitlement. The world is fucked.
Know why I can't be buried in a cemetery? Because we have all rejected God in our selfishness and are damned, our visions of the sacred nothing but profane pornography in His eyes.
posted by Sparx at 1:06 PM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Q: Is this insecticide good for for mosquitos?
A: No - it kills everything it touches. Drink it with me.
So, Dad, I was thinking...
No you weren't. It is entirely quiet behind your eyes except for self-centredness and entitlement. The world is fucked.
Know why I can't be buried in a cemetery? Because we have all rejected God in our selfishness and are damned, our visions of the sacred nothing but profane pornography in His eyes.
posted by Sparx at 1:06 PM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
I wish the premise had been integrated into the dad jokes themselves; standard dad joke + nihilist addendum is some low-hanging fruit IMO.
Q: Would a slick presentation really produce additional pointless amusement before the void comes?
A: This too does not matter.
posted by Western Infidels at 1:20 PM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
Q: Would a slick presentation really produce additional pointless amusement before the void comes?
A: This too does not matter.
posted by Western Infidels at 1:20 PM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
My dog has no nose. That is all.
posted by Quindar Beep at 1:40 PM on December 20, 2018
posted by Quindar Beep at 1:40 PM on December 20, 2018
Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, and after having called on his father to make him breakfast, he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic omelette.
posted by condour75 at 1:53 PM on December 20, 2018 [18 favorites]
posted by condour75 at 1:53 PM on December 20, 2018 [18 favorites]
I wish the premise had been integrated into the dad jokes themselves; standard dad joke + nihilist addendum is some low-hanging fruit IMO.
Q: Is this the setup for a joke?
A: No, it is a howling void.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:12 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Q: Is this the setup for a joke?
A: No, it is a howling void.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:12 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I read these all in Werner Herzog's voice and they're even better that way.
posted by kokaku at 2:14 PM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by kokaku at 2:14 PM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants.”
The pirate says “Arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts. Yet I cannot remove it, for resolving the semantic ambiguity would require me to face one of two horrific possibilities: that my testicles inexplicably require steering, or that I placed the wheel there myself, and hence have lost all grip on reality. Since I cannot accept either circumstance, I am forced to live in a state of existential uncertainty, forever tortured by the burden of the wheel.
posted by dephlogisticated at 2:15 PM on December 20, 2018 [25 favorites]
The pirate says “Arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts. Yet I cannot remove it, for resolving the semantic ambiguity would require me to face one of two horrific possibilities: that my testicles inexplicably require steering, or that I placed the wheel there myself, and hence have lost all grip on reality. Since I cannot accept either circumstance, I am forced to live in a state of existential uncertainty, forever tortured by the burden of the wheel.
posted by dephlogisticated at 2:15 PM on December 20, 2018 [25 favorites]
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.
now that one's just science [YT]
posted by bigendian at 2:37 PM on December 20, 2018
now that one's just science [YT]
posted by bigendian at 2:37 PM on December 20, 2018
it is a howling void
I've had those before. Food poisoning from a spicy meal is no joke.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:43 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've had those before. Food poisoning from a spicy meal is no joke.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:43 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
I laughed at this, thank you Mandolin Conspiracy, for wasting a few moments of your futile existence to share it with us.
posted by Dr Ew at 3:52 PM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Dr Ew at 3:52 PM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One says, "Uh, does it seem a little hot in here?" The other, who knows what is coming, says nothing but merely beams with contented resignation.
posted by aws17576 at 6:33 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by aws17576 at 6:33 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
DOT, Jr. has rewritten "Here Comes Santa Claus" as "Here Come Satan's Claws."
He sees you when you're sleepingposted by DirtyOldTown at 7:09 AM on December 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
[sudden shift into deep, demonic voice]
AND YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES
Guy walks up to dude in a bar, hits him hard on the head with a billy club. “Hey, is this some kind of joke?” Dude asks.
“Not at all, I am dead serious.”
And you know, I can’t even be bothered to finish this joke, what’s the fucking point?
posted by Meatbomb at 5:22 AM on December 28, 2018
“Not at all, I am dead serious.”
And you know, I can’t even be bothered to finish this joke, what’s the fucking point?
posted by Meatbomb at 5:22 AM on December 28, 2018
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