Tall Pork

May 3, 2019 7:14 AM

"I don't know if you buy a lot of fake vegan meats, but they're all mimicking actual meat– fake vegan chicken, fake vegan pork.... Given that it's all pretend anyway, why not simulate more exotic flesh? We've prepared these rebranding suggestions, just in case you run a vegan meat company." From the manufacturers of Oglaf. [Rebranding link is safe for work if not for lunch, but anything else at their patreon or Oglaf is likely extremely NSFW]

Here's a link to their popular and very NSFW webcomic Oglaf [previously on metafilter].

posted by moonmilk (47 comments total)

I want Transmetropolitan to start making new issues just so they can have one of these products in the background
posted by KathrynT at 7:19 AM on May 3, 2019 [14 favorites]

This is great stuff. Maybe some more endangered species, like in The Freshman where the billionaire decadents convene to eat one of the last Komodo Dragons.

Oglaf generally varies between pretty awesome and pretty intolerable, but that's kinda their schtick, and when you wallow in these spaces, you're bound to offend some. But Oglaf does stand out: I like to see adult content with actually decent writing and art, just cuz it ain't for kids doesn't give you a license to phone it in (looking at the vast majority of adult content whose aim isn't directly pornographic).
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

see also: hu-fu
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:30 AM on May 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

That’s funny, I went to a fast food place here in Portland called SuperDeluxe and they have an Impossible Burger and I was telling my friend that it’d be funny if they had a vegan burger but said it was human flesh or something else other than a “burger”.
posted by gucci mane at 7:40 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Years ago a friend took me to a vegan Sushi restaurant where everything was made to look and (sort of, very sort of) taste like dead animals.
I really did not see the point.
posted by signal at 8:00 AM on May 3, 2019

Mock Mermaid Meat surely.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 8:09 AM on May 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

The possibilities to expand this list are pretty much endless... I mean Soy Soylent Green was almost too obvious, but I'd serve Orc Meat at my next D&D get together, and this may be the worst time to suggest wookiee meat, but many Star Wars species would be yummy from Bantha roasts to Costco-style rotisserie Porg. Ànd if endangered species are good, extinct species are better... which would you rather chow down on, Bengal Tiger or Tasmanian Tiger? Of course, fake human meat would be popular if branded right: it may be the only way most of the 99% would get to eat the rich.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:21 AM on May 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

I call fail on the facon label
just because the formatting should be

Streaky Ryan
Gosling Rashers
posted by chavenet at 8:30 AM on May 3, 2019

I was telling my friend that it’d be funny if they had a vegan burger but said it was human flesh or something else other than a “burger”.

We are less then ten years from celebrities endorsing synthetic meats touted to taste like their own flesh. And I am all for it.

"I am Morrissey
You have grilled me
You have grilled me
Sear me nice and brown, spare a cow
You can grill me
You can grill meeee"

Still working on the name, though. Morrissey Morsels? Morrissels? Numpty Chunks?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:42 AM on May 3, 2019 [21 favorites]

I'm pretty sure Kronar would consider this sorcery. Blood and Honour!
posted by Ber at 8:42 AM on May 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Well, this makes me feel decidedly uncomfortable, so mission accomplished, I guess.
posted by Kikujiro's Summer at 8:44 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Humans: the only meat that can consent (TM)
posted by phooky at 8:48 AM on May 3, 2019 [17 favorites]

I've been thinking about vegan foods more than usual lately because my youngest brother went vegan a year ago, and I've had to start accommodating that when planning Thanksgiving, etc.

He's vegan for ethical reasons, and I've been thinking about this a lot. If your goal is to convince people animals aren't food then maybe animal-substitute foods aren't the best way to go about it. My thinking had been more around not offering faux meat and embracing the not-meat spectrum of foods. But offering fantasy meats has some appeal.

TBH, I'd be much, much, much more likely to buy Alien Autopsy Chunks than "Chickenless Soy Nuggets." I have no expectation that the Alien Autopsy things would taste like something I'm familiar with, so I wouldn't be measuring one against the other.
posted by jzb at 8:59 AM on May 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Dungeons & Dragons cookbooks have been a thing for a number of years now. They tend to be half-jokey, half-serious, either designed for a DM to have specific foods and dining environments to insert into a campaign, or real-world cookbooks where you're expected to make obvious substitutes (eg, pork instead of orc meat), or sometimes both.
posted by ardgedee at 9:00 AM on May 3, 2019

I suggested [self-link] exactly this, in 2011:

If we’re really trying here to make “fake meats”, then why are we setting our targets in-line with the commonly-eaten “real meats”? Why stop at chicken and turkey when we might as well make dodo-flavoured nut roasts and Quorn slices? Sure, they’re extinct, so we’ll probably never have real dodo meat: but there’s no reason that the manufacturers of artificial meats can’t have a go. There are dozens of accounts of the preparation and consumption of dodos, so we’d surely be able to emulate their flavour at least as well as we do the meats that we already produce substitutes for.

Why stop there? We might as well have tins of unicorn meat, too, a meal already familiar to those of us who’ve played more than our fair share of NetHack. How about dragons, or griffins, or the Vegetable Lamb of Tartary? If we’re going to make it up as we go along when we make artificial bacon, we might as well make it up as we go along when we make basilisk-burgers and salamander-sausages, too.

posted by avapoet at 9:01 AM on May 3, 2019 [7 favorites]

Still working on the name, though. Morrissey Morsels? Morrissels? Numpty Chunks?

Morriseats.
posted by Shepherd at 9:14 AM on May 3, 2019 [13 favorites]

Now I want to be vegan.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:24 AM on May 3, 2019

I was looking for vegan lunch, and then I found vegan lunch
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
posted by moonmilk at 9:29 AM on May 3, 2019 [15 favorites]

Still working on the name, though. Morrissey Morsels? Morrissels? Numpty Chunks?

Killed Uncle?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:35 AM on May 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

Numpty Chunks?

Morrisettes.
posted by flabdablet at 9:40 AM on May 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

Morrissey Morsels? Morrissels? Numpty Chunks?

How Soon Is Cow?
posted by miles per flower at 9:59 AM on May 3, 2019 [12 favorites]

I've eaten at a vegetarian restaurant that had gigantic fake shrimp. They'd have been expensive if they were real, but since they were made out of whatever, why not?
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 10:20 AM on May 3, 2019

If they're something you'd like to try
Eat me, I won't say no
How could I?

Available now in stores
posted by flabdablet at 10:25 AM on May 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Last night I dreamt that somebody ate me.
posted by snofoam at 10:28 AM on May 3, 2019

Sheila take a bite.

And for the calorie counters:
You’re the one for me fat-free.
posted by snofoam at 10:29 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Bigmouth Steaks Again
posted by Quindar Beep at 10:41 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Frankly, Mr. Shank
posted by snofoam at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm all in for Soylent stir fryday.
posted by calamari kid at 11:08 AM on May 3, 2019

I still struggle with the bucket o'eyeballs (canonically Caribou, IIRC) as a snack. I mean no ethical issues, but eyeballs, really? They're mostly cartilage and they looked pretty unseasoned to me. Aesthetically, it just seemed unpleasant (which is a secondary problem with Ellis as a writer, he can't stop being the six year-old who just wants to show you a bug he found).
posted by bonehead at 11:09 AM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Now I want to be vegan.

You don’t have to be vegan to eat vegan food.
posted by Pendragon at 11:11 AM on May 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

Many people just want anonymous chunks of white protein anyway, whether that's chicken, tilapia or tofu. It needs to be slightly textured and hold together well, while being the slightly sweet, savory taste of meat. Get that right with a plant protein and you'll kill in the tenders, stir-fry and sandwich fillings markets, that is the great majority of fast food types.
posted by bonehead at 11:12 AM on May 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

I am human and I need to be loved
Dip right in the hollandaise sauce
posted by a halcyon day at 11:12 AM on May 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

Just, I don't know, for the hell of it for those that don't know: people that have been vegie or vegan for a few years do not want to eat fake meat. These new products are designed for people who are either new at the game or considering going in that directions. The idea of a fake hamburger that appears to bleed is pretty nauseating to me. Just give me some rice and beans please.
posted by charlesminus at 11:23 AM on May 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Speak for yourself. I've been vegan since 2014 and I like eating fake meats because they are protein-dense and taste nicely umami-ish and satisfying, with good texture. I eat plenty of beans and tofu as well, but I don't understand what's wrong with me having a nice juicy burger if I feel like it.
posted by Acheman at 12:01 PM on May 3, 2019 [13 favorites]

Yup - vegan for about a decade and vegetarian for a decade before that, and I still like the fake meats. The variety of flavors and textures is nice (especially now, since the availability, range of brands, and quality is vastly better now than it was 20 years ago).

So, bring on the exotic faux meats! I'd try Tall Pork in a heartbeat. Maybe not Mock Alien Autopsy Chunks, though - I don't think the ammonia and silica needed to emulate non-carbon based life would agree with me.
posted by verschollen at 1:31 PM on May 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I know plenty of vegans and vegetarians who eat fake meats and have done so for years. Why just eat rice and beans, when you can have a sandwich with nicely spiced and textured protein in the middle? Or tasty cutlets, or something like that? I like seitan for what it is, and I'm not even (currently) vegetarian.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:31 PM on May 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

I am here for actual straight up cloned Morrissey meat being available in supermarkets. And in this charming can-- this charming man!
posted by phooky at 1:52 PM on May 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

MeFi is Murder
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:22 PM on May 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

I came for the quick visual joke, but only on Metafilter could this devolve into a barrage of Morrissey puns. I love it.


Metafilter: Will nature make a can of me yet?
posted by mmoncur at 11:32 PM on May 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

I didn't become a vegetarian because I didn't like the taste of meat — I just wasn't down with killing animals to get it. I enjoy eating many of the fake meats, although I don't go as far as wanting fake bloodiness. I also don't care if it really tastes exactly like meat as long as it's tasty. Imaginary animal meat sounds cool to me. Veggie since 1968.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:27 AM on May 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

people that have been vegie or vegan for a few years do not want to eat fake meat

Counter-anecdote: I've been vegan 23 years, I worship Seitan.
posted by BinaryApe at 1:18 AM on May 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

I recall a big debate on Wikipedia about what is and isn’t a meat analogue, and whether the article should be titled ‘meat substitute’ or ‘meat alternative’ etc.

It’s really kind of interesting. Some vegans love seitan as a meat substitute. Some people were born and raised vegetarian and would be insulted that you call their tofu or tempeh a meat alternative: they just eat it, it’s food, why mess around bringing up meat?

Anyway, as a low-meat omnivore, I like all this stuff, and don’t really care if you think of meat when you eat it or not:
Hail Seitan!
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:06 AM on May 4, 2019

Speaking as a humanitarian, the best thing you can do for the environment is to eat another human being.

Speaking as a casual student of popular medical science, the best way to avoid prions and parasites is to eat vegetarians.

Speaking as a vegetarian, I'm not comfortable with this.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:09 AM on May 4, 2019 [5 favorites]

You fear the sebastienbailard maillard reaction.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 5:47 PM on May 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

For that matter, ActingTheGoat would be a good name for another fake meat.
posted by moonmilk at 6:49 PM on May 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

Sheila fake a cow.
posted by boogieboy at 8:42 AM on May 5, 2019 [5 favorites]

Heh.

Non-vegetarian, but about a third of the protein I eat is fake meat (another third is tofu that isn't trying to be meat).

I like fake meat. Field roast and those Qorn protein chunks in particular. If you shaped 'em like hands or something I'd still eat 'em. I mean, fish fingers are a thing, right?

At the risk of taking seriously something meant to be somewhat silly, the big hurdle here is that a smaller and smaller percentage of people are involved in food production. Therefore/at the same time* squeamishness about animal faces/feet/parts that don't obviously look like meat seems to be growing. But I guess it would always be a niche market anyway . . .

*Purely conjecture, could be coincidental, but seems reasonable.
posted by aspersioncast at 1:48 PM on May 6, 2019