🍉 When one has tasted watermelon, he knows what the angels eat.

July 2, 2020 10:04 AM

How to Pick a Perfect Watermelon. The Best Way to Cut a Watermelon. An Ode to Watermelon. When Bad Watermelons Explode on Good People. 21 Watermelon Recipes to Make This Summer. The Health Benefits of Watermelon. The Reason Why Southerners Love Putting Salt on Watermelon. What Is Yellow Watermelon? Watermelon Varieties – Common Types and Their Tastes. Five of Our Favorite “Watermelon” Scenes in Movies. A Game Where You Slap A Watermelon To Learn About The Existential Horror Of Being A Watermelon. The 5,000-Year Secret History of the Watermelon. How Watermelons Became a Racist Trope. 18 Super Cool Watermelon Tattoo Ideas. The Heaviest Watermelon. How to Eat a Watermelon. How to Carve a Watermelon T Rex Dinosaur. Just eat some watermelon, okay?
posted by Fizz (59 comments total)

Watermelon with salt & pepper has been discussed on the blue before. And I'll sing it's virtues once again, it is so much better with salt & pepper lightly sprinkled on top of the fruit.
posted by Fizz at 10:15 AM on July 2, 2020 [4 favorites]

Hang on, is this a post about watermelon? Not quite clear....

(all kidding aside, I LOVE watermelon and will be going through these links one by one instead of working don't judge me it's my Friday.)
posted by cooker girl at 10:16 AM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

The "5000 year secret history" link is a paywall and I can't read it even if I try refreshing and doing an incognito browser. What else can I try?

I made some watermelon-mint sugar syrup earlier in the lockdown and I'm realizing I have a decent amount still....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:19 AM on July 2, 2020

The "5000 year secret history" link is a paywall and I can't read it even if I try refreshing and doing an incognito browser. What else can I try?

Here, try this short history instead: The Ancient, Mysterious History of the Watermelon
posted by Fizz at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Thumping actually works?

Generally have had good luck with relatively in season melons, but omg, got a totally gone bad one (from bostons pushcart market). Just the grossest veg and huge, worst thing I ever had to cut up in small enough pieces to dispose.
posted by sammyo at 10:23 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Changing of the gourd: Ripe watermelon has telltale signs

“A smooth rind usually indicates a good fruit. "You might try to avoid melons that are over-lumpy," Egel said. "Sometimes that may mean the rind on the inside is discolored, which is unappealing to some people."

Watermelons at the peak of ripeness are normally filled out and blunt on the ends. Melons with pointy ends may still be maturing and not as delicious, Egel said.

Consumers who still want to thump the watermelon should listen closely when their finger flicks the fruit. "An unripe watermelon will 'ping' when thumped. An overripe watermelon will 'thud.' The one you want to buy is somewhere in between," Egel said.

Egel also recommended checking the watermelon for a shipper's or grower's sticker. "Remember the name on the sticker so that you can buy another of the same brand or avoid it, depending on your experience," he said.”

Some more tips for choosing the right watermelon.
posted by Fizz at 10:34 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I thought watermelon was pretty good until I went to Central Asia. They grow everywhere and the fields they grow in look like the aftermath of a 19th century artillery battle. They were so juicy and full of flavour it made me angry at the insipid seedless things we get here.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 10:36 AM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

Pablo Neruda agrees
posted by progosk at 10:38 AM on July 2, 2020 [4 favorites]

Is that one video of that guy using rubber bands to squeeze open a watermelon in here

If not I will go find it because reasons
posted by Kitchen Witch at 10:40 AM on July 2, 2020

Is that one video of that guy using rubber bands to squeeze open a watermelon in here

There are numerous if you do a quick YouTube search, but here you go.
posted by Fizz at 10:41 AM on July 2, 2020 [7 favorites]

Omg bless you Fizz
posted by Kitchen Witch at 10:42 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I'm sure I've really fucked up my YouTube algorithm now and will be suggested watermelon and other fruit explosion videos for the next couple of weeks. Ah well.
posted by Fizz at 10:43 AM on July 2, 2020

I was just speaking with someone about the dark art of watermelon selection. I have known TWO produce managers who swore they could pick the best watermelon but I am skeptical based on their results. Eager to deploy the strategy linked above. Thanks for the info!
posted by jcworth at 10:44 AM on July 2, 2020

Thumping totally works. My partner's grandfather, a Russian Mennonite (who are great lovers of all things ra'bus), once ended up being the impromptu watermelon selector in their local Safeway when they got the "good watermelons in from Steinbach" and all he did was thump them. No complaints from the ladies of North Kildonan. He was gone for hours... we nearly had to eat the rollkuchen without the melon. There's also their beloved watermelon pickles which I was dubious about but they won me over.
posted by Ashwagandha at 10:49 AM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: Thumping totally works.
posted by Fizz at 10:53 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I love watermelon, here's a couple things to do with a big ripe one once you've eaten your weight for the day:
chunks or wedges in salad with smoked turkey
watermelon pickles (what Ashwagandha said!)
watermelon margaritas (whizz with a bit of ice, triple sec or other orange liqueur, silver tequila (not gold/reposado or anejo, it will overpower the watermelon) and a bit of basil or lime syrup if you're feeling frisky. These are best when sitting in the shade with one's feet in a socially isolated bucket of cool water.
watermelon jelly, which I made one time and it didn't exactly jell but was pretty fabulous as a marinade ingredient for any kind of pork or chicken.
posted by winesong at 10:54 AM on July 2, 2020

I no longer eat watermelon because the only ones I find are the seedless variety which have no flavor. I really miss it.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 11:02 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

This is very relevant to my interests! I actually just found out that melon curry is a thing so next watermelon I get if it's large enough is going to serve as double duty.
posted by Carillon at 11:04 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

It's also a lexical-etymological rabbit-hole, explorable via Italian.
posted by progosk at 11:05 AM on July 2, 2020

I recently went down a watermelon rabbithole on the internet... They're technically berries! (So are citrus fruits fwiw)
posted by sexyrobot at 11:10 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

My sister is very good at picking out watermelons, and brought one home Tuesday, and it is the best tasting watermelon I've had since I was a kid in the 90s. I do miss the seeds. Sitting outside and spitting seeds into the yard was a good time.
Beetle development, I went strawberry picking about a month ago, she absolutely hates them. Wrinkles her nose and spits it out and gets mad at you levels of hate. But last night she had some fresh watermelon, and she was in love! Very wiggly, came back a good 5 or 6 times for a new chunk. The tracts well with my hypothesis that she loves all crunchy food, like may peas and cucumber. I think she may like watermelon as much as she loves banana, which is the current champion.
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:13 AM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

This post is great, but it needs more "Watermelon Man."
posted by box at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2020

In Watermelon Sugar
Watermelon Sugar

[I'll tell you later.]
posted by chavenet at 11:37 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

One thing I've always wanted to try with a watermelon that I saw once on the internet:

- Cut one end off a watermelon.
- Core most of it out and reduce what you dig out to a melonish slurry, then pour (most of) it back in.
- The reason you only pour most of it back in is because you top up the rest with vodka.
- Prop the watermelon up with some sort of stand. (Here you're on your own. Perhaps find a local carpenter to enable your watermelon revelry.) Put the top back on.
- Drive a tap into the booze-o-melon.
- Obtain a glass or cup with ice. Fill it from the tap.
- Enjoy fruity vodka goodness.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:45 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Haven't read yet but
SALT AND PEPPER WHAT
Maybe try today.
posted by Glinn at 11:48 AM on July 2, 2020

In watermelon sugar the deeds were done and done again as my life is done in watermelon sugar.

on preview: chavenet beat me to it
posted by fregoli at 12:09 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Watermelon also has educational applications, like in this episode of The Office (U.S.) [CW: don't watch if you want to see a watermelon used during a childbirth simulation]
posted by nightrecordings at 12:09 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Gawd I love watermelon. My dude loves it with chili powder mix (like Tajin or the Trader Joe’s kind) sprinkled atop. I want to try it blended with lime juice.

The other night we made use of a garden harvest: a bed of fresh garden arugula, topped with watermelon cubes, feta, balsamic, and garden mint. I have never eaten a salad so fast.
posted by sucre at 12:13 PM on July 2, 2020

I want to try it blended with lime juice.

Can confirm it tastes wonderful with lime juice. A very common Indian dish is "fruit chaat". It's basically a bunch of fruit: apples, strawberries, oranges, dusted with masala/pepper mix. You can find all kinds of recipes. It's great for the summer time months when you want something light but still satisfying.
posted by Fizz at 12:19 PM on July 2, 2020 [4 favorites]

Salty watermelon is not 'weird'. Nearly every hot weather culture has a drink that is made of a combination of ingredients that is lightly sweet and salty. Salty watermelon ain't that different.

The 'weird' southern thing is eating the green inside rind.

Enjoy fruity vodka goodness.
Back in the college days, people would just cut a spout sized hole in the side of a watermelon a pour a bottle of everclear or vodka in. It takes a few hours in the fridge but it mixes together. It tastes just 'ok' to me.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:36 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

If I told you Marylanders put Old Bay on watermelon, would you believe me?
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:43 PM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

I've never heard of Old Bay, but after a quick google, it looks like it'd be great on fruit.
posted by Fizz at 12:53 PM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

I made watermelon rind pickle and watermelon flesh pickle (there has got to be a better name for this) this week and also a few jars of watermelon shrub. Going to use some of our excess of mint to make some mint simple syrup for people to add to the shrub according to their taste.

The watermelon currently sitting on our counter WAS going to be more pickles but now that I am aware that melon curry exists, I am making the hell out of it (especially this rind curry). And fruit chaat. When it gets hot, all I want to eat is fruit.

My garden is giving me a lot of joy this year but one of the best things is that my sugar baby watermelon plants are coming along nicely. The garden's basically just a four by twenty-something foot stretch at the side of my parents' house, heavy bright red clay dotted liberally with chunks of quartz (which I double-dug to till, de-quartzed, and amended with a few hundred pounds of composted horse manure). But this is the first year I've had any sort of space, and the first year I've grown most things from seed, and it is deeply gratifying to see them flourish.
posted by notquitemaryann at 12:55 PM on July 2, 2020

Watermelon in Easter Hay (live)
posted by swift at 1:01 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I want to try it blended with lime juice.

Watermelon, lime and mint makes an excellent sorbet.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 1:03 PM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

The great Petey Greene would have a thing or two to say about people mixin' up and mashin' up that watermelon and, "sometimes they got a notion to put liquor in it!"
posted by Chickenring at 1:22 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Watermelon chunks + tequila + triple sec + fresh lime juice + salt + refrigerator = heaven on a hot day
posted by chavenet at 1:26 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I can't stand when a watermelon turns out mealy, so I used to regard large watermelons as a bad bet; the chance of getting stuck with a white pink elephant was too great. But then I discovered that a blender will turn a bad watermelon into a half gallon of tasty pulpy juice. Now when I see those giant watermelons at 19¢ a pound, I buy fearlessly.

Moon and Stars Watermelon.
posted by aws17576 at 1:37 PM on July 2, 2020 [3 favorites]

Y'all enjoy your watermelon, I'll be here in the corner, juice dripping off my chin, with a basket of ripe cantaloupe and muskmelon.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 1:37 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Love for all melony goodness! I'm not picky!

We're growing our own from seed. At least, we're hoping that we'll get fruit. By which I mean that me and youngest light thief have this hope. Mrs. light thief and older light thief aren't fans.

More for us! :)
posted by filthy light thief at 1:41 PM on July 2, 2020

Faint of Butt: "If I told you Marylanders put Old Bay on watermelon, would you believe me?"

I wouldn't believe you if you told me Marylanders didn't put Old Bay on Watermelon.
posted by chavenet at 1:44 PM on July 2, 2020 [8 favorites]

My father and uncle grew Charleston Gray watermelons and swore they were the only watermelons worth having. They also firmly believed that the only participants the watermelon that was worthwhile was the heart, the flesh right in the middle before the seeds.
So as I child I grew up eating the hearts and we’d feed the rest to the hogs. Sure sometimes a guest would eat all the way to the rind, but not being judgey people, we’d let that slide. Unfortunately, I learned that my dad and his brothers didn’t mind a little watermelon waste but there was a line that was too far. I learned about it by crossing it. At 9, I was given my first pocket knife and to show off with my new power, I took my cousins out into the watermelon field and decided we’d have some snacks. None of us kids had the knack for telling if the melon was ripe so there was some trial and error. By the end, we’d opened at least 40 melons and ate the hearts out of at least half.
The hogs ate really well and I didn’t sit down for a week.
I still can’t pick a melon for shit but every time I see a Charleston Gray, I buy one.
posted by teleri025 at 1:59 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

On first reading the post, I realized it was a whole bunch of watermelon links, and for whatever reason my brain thought “I bet this is a Johnny Wallflower post!”

And then I looked down and it was from Fizz and I was simultaneously like “stupid brain!” and “oh, of course.”

I’ve been here 19 years, I’m finally at a point where I even start to associate post with users before seeing who posted them, but still not at the point where I actually get it right.

(I plan to blame Poop Month for this and every future time I confuse Fizz and Johnny Wallflower...)
posted by nickmark at 3:39 PM on July 2, 2020 [3 favorites]

I think the "thud" can often be a bad sign. I prefer a hollow sound, but with some bit of "ping". A total thud sound seems to be an overripe, flavorless, melon. I look for the other things, but without a bit of ping, I find its already gone by. It's a tricky call where the line is.
posted by Windopaene at 4:20 PM on July 2, 2020

But then I discovered that a blender will turn a bad watermelon into a half gallon of tasty pulpy juice.

The secret ingredient is vodka.
posted by cazoo at 4:48 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I am the only person I know who doesn’t care for watermelon. It’s too watery. And it tastes like water. Which is fine if you’re drinking water, but not if you’re eating melon. Whenever we had one at the end of your picnic at school, I always gave my share away.

The sopranos-versus-basses-watermelon-eating-contest at my college chamber singers picnic was fun, though.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:18 PM on July 2, 2020

I once convinced the local bar to start making mimosas with the watermelon pulp they had for watermelon martinis. It was absolutely the best idea in the history of mankind. Since quarantine I've got half of the gallon I made up last week and 2 bottles of Cooks left.
posted by mcrandello at 5:37 PM on July 2, 2020

Watermelon also makes a great facemask.
posted by head full of air at 6:02 PM on July 2, 2020

I did a podcast once about a prospector who got lost in the Arizona desert for almost a week without water and came as close to death as it’s possible to on god’s green earth. After he was rescued, once he could speak and walk and see again, he spent an entire day doing nothing but eating watermelons.
posted by gottabefunky at 6:43 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Square watermelons are easier to stack and—who knew—fit inside small refrigerators.
posted by gottabefunky at 6:45 PM on July 2, 2020

Last year I was entranced with cornichons, so pickled just about everything using the basic recipe I decided I liked. Note that this is a particularly sour/salty version, so ymmv on exact proportions. For a cornichon style watermelon pickle:

First, go buy a good watermelon. Exact type is more or less irrelevant, so buy what you want to eat, because the next step is to cut out all the ripe bits of the watermelon and eat it, or get someone else to eat it, or heck, if you just want the pickle, toss it in the compost bin. Cut off the green, hard bits of the rind as well as any interior flesh that has any color to it, you just want the pure white rind. Watermelons are big and cheap, even a small one has enough rind to make nearly half a gallon of pickle, so don’t skimp on the trimming out. The ripe stuff just turns to mush, doesn’t make a good pickle at all.

Cut the rind into bite-sized pieces, I went pinky thickness and about an inch long, but your mouth may vary. You’re also going to want some onion, I like red onion for pickling, but yellow, vidalia, white, even shallot work well for this sort of application. You’re also going to need several sprigs of fresh tarragon (about 1 6" sprig per cup of vinegar assuming you like tarragon), home grown is best in my experience, as well as some black pepper corns, salt, white vinegar, and some jars. While I suppose you could can it, given the high acid content, I just keep a jar in the fridge, and buy a new watermelon when supplies get low.

Put in a layer of sliced onion in the bottom of each jar, then a layer of watermelon, a sprig of tarragon, a scattering of black peppercorns (I used about a tablespoon for a half-gallon jar of very peppery pickle,) and then another layer of onion and repeat until the watermelon is gone and the jars are filled, leaving headroom.

The pickling liquid is made from one tablespoon of salt dissolved in each cup of vinegar. That’s it. Heating makes the salt dissolve faster, but I just whizzed mine for a while with a stick blender, otherwise you’ll want to let it cool down, hot liquids will break down the already delicate structure of the watermelon. Make the brine up a couple of cups at a time and pour it in batches into your jar(s) until the watermelon is covered up, then into the fridge, down low and in the back.

Good after a week, great after a month, and with all that acid its pretty stable, but you still should probably eat it within six months or so just in case.

Oddly, the first watermelon I bought for this was unusable — it was ripe all the way out to the rind.
posted by Blackanvil at 7:43 PM on July 2, 2020 [8 favorites]

there is literally nothing on earth that makes me sicker for longer than watermelon and it is an ATTACK ON ME PERSONALLY
posted by poffin boffin at 10:19 PM on July 2, 2020

My mother was in the habit of salting cantaloupe and it is super tasty.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 8:00 AM on July 3, 2020

grilled watermelon. try it. throw a slice on the grill and wait for some of the sugars to caramalize and it gets dense like an apple. amazing stuff.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 8:10 AM on July 3, 2020

I love watermelon, but this post reminds me how Northern-hemisphere-centric this site is sometimes, because it's cold and dark and wet where I live and all I want is some hot soup and maybe a grilled cheese sandwich and a hot bath and a hot water bottle in bed.

Your faves are six months out of phase, I guess.
posted by kandinski at 6:42 AM on July 4, 2020

I put some Old Bay on watermelon today and it was delicious. It would also be perfect for watermelon salad.
posted by zennie at 6:39 PM on July 4, 2020

The only "trick" I use for selecting watermelon is that it should be heavy for its size and that's served me well to date. I'll give them a tap but I have no idea what the right sound is supposed to be, it's just fun to tap watermelons.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:22 PM on July 6, 2020

One thing I've always wanted to try with a watermelon that I saw once on the internet:
....
Cut one end off a watermelon.
Core most of it out and reduce what you dig out to a melonish slurry, then pour (most of) it back in.
...

I did this over the weekend
(or at least the child friendly version of it anyway.)

I have heard that the alcohol in the vodka (ore preferably rum) breaks down the pulp more effectively. But I would have to try it. If only so that I have a lot of delicious watermelon punch.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 3:00 PM on July 6, 2020

Video of the watermelon harvest in Bakersfield CA.
posted by zamboni at 9:09 PM on July 6, 2020