Do you want Planet of the Apes? This is how you get Planet of the Apes.

March 25, 2021 7:43 AM

Molecular switch makes human organ three times larger than great apes’, study finds. "Tinker with the switch and the human brain loses its growth advantage, while the great ape brain can be made to grow more like a human’s."
posted by irrelephant (24 comments total)

Do it. Make the apes smart. Let the apes run things from now on. They can't do any worse a job than we have.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:53 AM on March 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

They can't do any worse a job than we have.

Depends on the ape. Orangutans and gorillas, probably. Chimps, definitely not.
posted by tommasz at 8:04 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

bonobos. we need a world run by bonobos.
posted by logicpunk at 8:08 AM on March 25, 2021 [26 favorites]

It's advances like this that bring my dream of opening a restaurant that only serves ape-brain dishes closer every year. Ape brain souffle, ape brain pancakes, pasta apebrainese, ape brain upside down cake, mayom agyak paprikash... the possibilities are endless.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:42 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

bonobos. we need a world run by bonobos.

"It's a very tense situation with Northern Bonobia, but negotiators are currently in days-long sessions of mutually gratifying sex and we can hope for a resolution by Monday"
posted by elkevelvet at 8:46 AM on March 25, 2021 [21 favorites]

My favourite theory for the evolution of the human brain. Australopithecines had mostly human-like bodies below the neck, but smaller brains, and could not run. The earliest Homo species had larger brains and could run. So lacking tails, maybe human ancestors evolved larger heads in order to balance and act as a counterweight while running. A side-effect was larger brains.

It's yet to be determined whether the side-effects of larger brains are advantageous in the long term.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 8:57 AM on March 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

Main side effect of big-brains seems to be disastrous ecologically. I would probably hesitate to equip more apes with big brain, just see too much of human apes in the other apes and it makes the whole ape group look pretty bad. I think perhaps insects are the beasts I think next deserve a go at the big nervous systems.
posted by GoblinHoney at 9:00 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

obligatory, not entirely kidding: "I, for one, welcome our new insect ape overlords."
posted by martin q blank at 9:07 AM on March 25, 2021

“Consider orangutans. In all the worlds graced by their presence, it is suspected that they can talk but choose not to do so in case humans put them to work, possibly in the television industry. In fact they can talk. It’s just that they talk in Orangutan. Humans are only capable of listening in Bewilderment.

― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms


logicpunk: bonobos. we need a world run by bonobos.

I am proud to say that for the past forever years, I've used this photo of Kanzi wearing my fav. headphones as my avatar across platforms.
posted by mikelieman at 9:13 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

It looks like this was only tested on the brain cells and says nothing about skull size. So, we're not yet on the verge of creating super apes.

On the other hand, maybe scientists could flip this molecular switch in an ape embryo while also surgically fitting it with an oversized, transparent brain casing for maximum monstrosity. It could do a crossword puzzle or rip your arms off depending on it's mood.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:22 AM on March 25, 2021

Depends on the ape. Orangutans and gorillas, probably. Chimps, definitely not.

Chimps can already grab you by the shoulders and tear you in half. Pretty sure chimps with the same level of intelligence as us would quickly cause humans to go extinct.
posted by sideshow at 9:26 AM on March 25, 2021

bonobos. we need a world run by bonobos.

It's a nice place to visit, but not sure I'd want to live there
posted by pwnguin at 9:32 AM on March 25, 2021

Science thinks its soooooo clever, but can it explain Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes? No. The answer is no, it cannot.
posted by biffa at 9:46 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Do it. Make the apes smart. Let the apes run things from now on. They can't do any worse a job than we have.

Hopelessly sobbing, painfully hunting for fleas, apathetically licking a cocoanut, beating my skull against the locker, sticking out my tongue at anyone who came near me -- that was how I filled in time at first in my new life. But over and above it all, only the one feeling: no way out. Of course what I felt then as an ape I can represent now only in human terms, and therefore I misrepresent it, but although I cannot reach back to the truth of the old ape life, there is no doubt that it lies somewhere in the direction I have indicated.

posted by kewb at 2:20 PM on March 25, 2021

So I’m depressing myself with the realization that I’m less worried about the emergence of smart apes, and more worried that the discovery will be used to make dumb humans. We (humans, worldwide and throughout history) have got a horrifying track record of racist and unethical medical experimentation on vulnerable populations of our own species. This sort of thing could be used to realize the false narratives about intelligence bigots have always leaned on, producing a true labor underclass of humans who can be trained rather than taught and are unlikely to be able to organize an effective revolution on their own behalf.

It would be like Christmas Morning for late-stage capitalism.
posted by gelfin at 2:50 PM on March 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

I can't remember where I read it but someone wrote that if chimps ran the world we'd have a nuclear war within 60 seconds.
posted by night_train at 3:23 PM on March 25, 2021

Dear God, do you even like us?
posted by lalochezia at 3:24 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

As I understand it, it's not about the size, it's about the flow.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 3:32 PM on March 25, 2021

On the other hand, maybe scientists could flip this molecular switch in an ape embryo while also surgically fitting it with an oversized, transparent brain casing for maximum monstrosity.

We may have data as to how this would work.
posted by fnerg at 3:34 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

bonobos. we need a world run by bonobos.

Be aware that Bonobo social behaviour is driven by crushing social anxiety.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:44 PM on March 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

Name checks out, seems legit.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:12 PM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

I can't remember where I read it but someone wrote that if chimps ran the world we'd have a nuclear war within 60 seconds.

Somewhat slanderous, canonically it was Charlton Heston who destroyed the planet.
posted by biffa at 5:19 PM on March 25, 2021

No more great apes mucking things up! Dogs. Let’s flip the switch on dogs.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 1:38 PM on March 26, 2021

All this and no one has mentioned David Brin's Uplift Universe. Because this is how we get to that one. We create a new intelligent species and find them a planet to colonize because, culture. At least then we have 'alien' life to study. Or Planet of the Apes. Knowing humans that seems more likely.
posted by Ignorantsavage at 6:54 PM on March 26, 2021