How Lena Dunham Found Her Happily Ever After

December 10, 2021 8:17 AM

A personal essay About 20 minutes into our date he told me he didn’t drink, and I asked why. “Do you really want to get this intense?” he asked. “Always,” I responded. He began to tell me a story of trauma, of generational pain and rebuilding of the self, but he did it with laughter in his eyes, like he wasn’t mocking me but the absurdity of what the universe can dole out to two people in their brief 35 years on earth. And that was the moment I understood that I was likely sitting across from my soul mate, if that’s a term we want to use.
posted by folklore724 (16 comments total)

I was so used to projecting my misfortunes to try and create a shared experience with both friends and audiences that being bathed in a regular and nonchemical elation was completely foreign. I hoped, like my work, my wedding was a chance to say “Look, this experience is available to you, too.” Because I didn’t do anything special to get there—besides a little therapy—except just continue being myself.

Look, there's no need for her to be all like that, telling me I too can hope to have feelings and happiness one day.

(It was truly a lovely read. Thank you for sharing)
posted by ambrosen at 8:48 AM on December 10, 2021 [12 favorites]

“Yeah,” he said “But what’s interesting about chill?”

I like this guy already.
posted by bonehead at 8:50 AM on December 10, 2021 [5 favorites]

It was about the contrast between the part of me that is totally comfortable projecting my pain and the part of me that is absolutely terrified to take center stage with my joy

I know Dunham has her critics (probably deservedly so) but this essay was quite lovely.
posted by hepta at 9:05 AM on December 10, 2021 [6 favorites]

I don't find Lena Dunham interesting in general but I'm happy she found someone from reading this. (And what ambrosen said.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:30 AM on December 10, 2021 [5 favorites]

Am I the only one thinking about how hard it is to tell what counts as "ever after" when you've only known someone for nine months?

Perhaps I've been watching too much of Karen from Outnumbered.
posted by clawsoon at 10:30 AM on December 10, 2021 [12 favorites]

I'm with you Clawsoon. Let us know how things look/feel once the newlywed high wears off. Say twenty years down the road when they truly know each other.
posted by hoodrich at 10:46 AM on December 10, 2021 [4 favorites]

I'm so glad I don't have a Wikipedia page chronicling every stupid thing I've ever said, although admittedly many of them have been archived my this site.
posted by mecran01 at 10:55 AM on December 10, 2021 [35 favorites]

I remember meeting my wife the first time as an angsty and tormented 20 year old, and she, herself, was a spiky and mistrustful 19 year old. We both had different levels of intensity that operated at frequencies that made us incompatible with each other. We dated briefly, broke up, stayed friends, and moved on with our lives. Then, 20 years later, we realized that what we liked about each other was still there, but all of the surfaces that were rough between us had been smoothed away. I lived in Boston and she had moved to Philly, but we decided to meet in New York for a very long second first date, and at the end of that Saturday, had resolved to give this another go.

A couple of weeks later, I was in Turkey on vacation and she was still in Philly at the start of teaching a new semester, and we had been writing love letter emails to each other. I woke up one morning to a letter from her that started with, "You know, you can be really intense sometimes ..."

and for me, that had always been a prelude to someone saying " ... you need to chill out / turn it down / redirect that energy." So I emotionally braced myself to read about her having second thoughts or reconsiderations, but that phrase followed with, " ... and it really sweeps me off my feet."

There are things about each of us that aren't good for other people. You can be too messy/forgetful and it drives someone nuts to live with you. You can be too effusive and it turns off another person who likes to be more reserved. The thing that I had to learn for myself over the last couple of decades was not just finding who I wanted to be with, but also who wanted to be with me, and accepted everything about me.

I know that feels cliche, but it took a while for me to understand how that meant things like not having to be guarded about my intensity, and being with someone who can take all of these things that we've learned to be anxious about with ourselves and say: the intensity, the messiness, the ambition, the solicitousness, the wanton hugging, the loud voice, the quiet disposition, the absentmindedness, the to-do list fixation -- those aren't bugs to that person. Those are features.
posted by bl1nk at 11:18 AM on December 10, 2021 [64 favorites]

“ I battled a sense that stories like this didn’t belong to women like me. What kind of women? Flawed women. Tortured, anxious women. Fat women. I knew, intellectually, that this sort of thinking was archaic and imposed on me by a system I didn’t believe in. But at the time, it was impossible not to see a running tally of Instagram vixens who seemed more deserving of his careful attention and really good hair.“

Loved this column.

Also: dude seems chill himself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:25 PM on December 10, 2021 [2 favorites]

I mean, nine months, sure, but...let's not begrudge her happiness while she's found it.
posted by praemunire at 8:32 PM on December 10, 2021 [7 favorites]

Um, I hate to ruin the atmosphere but if a friend wrote that I would be talking to mutuals about staging an intervention. That does not read like a healthy relationship. Sorry.
posted by fallingbadgers at 12:05 AM on December 11, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'm imagining the response if this had been posted to AskMe.
posted by clawsoon at 4:41 AM on December 11, 2021 [3 favorites]

Don't underestimate the effect that the pandemic has had on relationships. Single people have been incredibly isolated, and then when they meet someone and they click, it's much easier/safer to spend a lot of time together right away, rather than starting slower and more casually, because having lots of casual relationships has been a good way to get infected.

I have a friend who during the 18 months of the pandemic has met someone through online dating, gotten serious really fast, and is now planning a spring wedding. What would have felt weird and rushed in less awful times feels positively natural and hopeful now.

All that is to say that I really don't know much about Lena Dunham, but her story reminds me of my friends' story, and I'm willing to trust both of them that this makes sense right now.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:52 AM on December 11, 2021 [6 favorites]

Eh, I hate to rain on all you “only 9 months”ers parades, but they met after the first lockdown.
posted by ambrosen at 6:32 AM on December 11, 2021

Eh, I hate to rain on all you “only 9 months”ers parades, but they met after the first lockdown.

She says she met him "after the first pandemic fall", which would mean (after adding on the bit about one month after January) this February or thereabouts. I carefully re-read all that after thinking, "Wait, how long have they been together? I'm a little confused here."

And also she says "in the last nine months".

Also, he gives such perfect responses to all of the things that she's most anxious about that they're either one of those very rare perfectly matched couples, or they're one of those very common couples where one partner with a history of trauma has a fear of rejection and lack of confidence that leads them to try to perfectly reflect their partner so that they'll be perfectly loved and nothing will go wrong as long as their aren't any differences between them.

Anyway, I hope I'm wrong and they live happily ever after. And hopefully, if I'm right, they'll be able to work out in a loving way whatever issues come up after the fear of rejection wears off.
posted by clawsoon at 6:51 AM on December 11, 2021 [2 favorites]

"Also, he gives such perfect responses to all of the things that she's most anxious about that they're either one of those very rare perfectly matched couples, or they're one of those very common couples where one partner with a history of trauma has a fear of rejection and lack of confidence that leads them to try to perfectly reflect their partner so that they'll be perfectly loved and nothing will go wrong as long as their aren't any differences between them."

They are both in "recovery" (quotes not mocking but to indicate a generic nature), and people going through that can find common cause enough to have a good relationship in spite of all the stuff they have and continue to go through. People in recovery can learn to be very accepting out of necessity and they both sound like they have at least committed to do that with each other. That may be all the motive there is and may be all they'll need.

I don't know either of them of course; but sometimes the strangest things happen when you meet someone. I've had that happen myself when I least expected it and it was divine (though sadly short) and that they have managed to stick together so far may bode well.

Not that its any of my business of course.
posted by cybrcamper at 7:24 AM on December 11, 2021 [4 favorites]