Whew, THAT'S a Relief
July 28, 2022 6:25 AM Subscribe
the portal to hell is I-94
posted by pyramid termite at 6:46 AM on July 28, 2022 [16 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 6:46 AM on July 28, 2022 [16 favorites]
Well, why not
posted by Countess Elena at 6:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 6:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [12 favorites]
Kinda sus when you try to convince people what you're *not* doing.
posted by metametamind at 6:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by metametamind at 6:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
Only thing that headline is missing is the word "definitely."
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:55 AM on July 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:55 AM on July 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
That's what a portal to hell opener would say.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 6:55 AM on July 28, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by Pyrogenesis at 6:55 AM on July 28, 2022 [11 favorites]
More seriously, I would like to think that human gullibility, though dangerously amplified by the internet, is not any greater than it previously was, and that we tend to forget the people who, for example, thought that human bodies would fall apart if they traveled on trains going fifty miles an hour. Social media may yet get us all killed, nonetheless, by giving ideas like this such a voice that people can use the fear and paranoia to seize power, as they are already doing with QAnon. Possibly the First Amendment suffers from the same problem as the Second: in the eighteenth century, nobody could imagine machines that delivered bad ideas with so much speed and destruction.
Anyway, carry on.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:55 AM on July 28, 2022 [23 favorites]
Anyway, carry on.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:55 AM on July 28, 2022 [23 favorites]
Frankly, I thought that portal opened up in November of 2016 and CERN had nothing to do with it.
posted by tommasz at 7:05 AM on July 28, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 7:05 AM on July 28, 2022 [14 favorites]
I would like to think that human gullibility, though dangerously amplified by the internet, is not any greater than it previously was
I don't think that human gullibility reaches any worse depths than it once did, but some of the most pernicious, poisonous ideas sure seem to pick up more steam these days.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:07 AM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't think that human gullibility reaches any worse depths than it once did, but some of the most pernicious, poisonous ideas sure seem to pick up more steam these days.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:07 AM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Possibly the First Amendment suffers from the same problem as the Second: in the eighteenth century, nobody could imagine machines that delivered bad ideas with so much speed and destruction.
There’s a quote I’ve been trying to find for years that says something to the effect of “We know the pen is mightier than the sword, so why do we restrict weapons but never words?“
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:08 AM on July 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
There’s a quote I’ve been trying to find for years that says something to the effect of “We know the pen is mightier than the sword, so why do we restrict weapons but never words?“
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:08 AM on July 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
It’s clear that the accelator doesn’t summon demons, but it is equally certain that CERN scientists summon them in a more traditional manner to solve their math problems.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:16 AM on July 28, 2022
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:16 AM on July 28, 2022
I though we were already in hell?
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:34 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:34 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
If CERN were opening a portal to hell that'd mean there's an afterlife, and possibly a heaven, so this is nothing but bad news.
posted by geoff. at 7:41 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by geoff. at 7:41 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yeah, jenfullmoon: portal from Hell.
posted by one more day at 7:43 AM on July 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by one more day at 7:43 AM on July 28, 2022 [8 favorites]
I heard a podcast about this a couple days ago. They had one of the scientists on. She said the portal story is nonsense. It’s really more of a gate.
posted by chrchr at 7:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [42 favorites]
posted by chrchr at 7:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [42 favorites]
I really don't think there's a way to cite "evidence" when one opens a portal to hell - it just happens.
posted by RajahKing at 7:52 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by RajahKing at 7:52 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I want to see a science fiction story where a bunch of demons accidentally open a portal to Earth, and are horrified when a bunch of humans come through and totally screw up hell.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:54 AM on July 28, 2022 [42 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:54 AM on July 28, 2022 [42 favorites]
Ah yes, evangelical conspiracy theories about diabolical scientists (or bureaucrats, or technocrats).
I remember seeing one (in the 90s, probably on USENET) that claimed that the Smithsonian Institution had a room with a chair, at which a shotgun was pointed, with the trigger wired to a quantum process (something to do with radioactive decay) that would go off sometime between then and midnight on December 31 1999, and they would pay anyone $100 if they sat in it for an hour. Not sure what the gist of it was except for secular folks being up to all sorts of devilry.
posted by acb at 7:54 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I remember seeing one (in the 90s, probably on USENET) that claimed that the Smithsonian Institution had a room with a chair, at which a shotgun was pointed, with the trigger wired to a quantum process (something to do with radioactive decay) that would go off sometime between then and midnight on December 31 1999, and they would pay anyone $100 if they sat in it for an hour. Not sure what the gist of it was except for secular folks being up to all sorts of devilry.
posted by acb at 7:54 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I heard a podcast about this a couple days ago. They had one of the scientists on. She said the portal story is nonsense. It’s really more of a gate.
"Technically, this is more of a Le Corbusier-inspired breezeway between the corporeal realm and Hell."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:03 AM on July 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
"Technically, this is more of a Le Corbusier-inspired breezeway between the corporeal realm and Hell."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:03 AM on July 28, 2022 [7 favorites]
A Facebook post shared July 5 shows a TikTok video
So, two portals to hell, stacked.
posted by credulous at 8:07 AM on July 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
So, two portals to hell, stacked.
posted by credulous at 8:07 AM on July 28, 2022 [13 favorites]
acb: "Ah yes, evangelical conspiracy theories about diabolical scientists "
But if scientists did open a portal to hell, that would be great news for evangelicals because it would finally be tangible proof that their ravings have been correct all along.
They'd probably hate it if scientists opened a portal to heaven, because then anyone could get in. And that would be cheating.
posted by adamrice at 8:19 AM on July 28, 2022 [11 favorites]
But if scientists did open a portal to hell, that would be great news for evangelicals because it would finally be tangible proof that their ravings have been correct all along.
They'd probably hate it if scientists opened a portal to heaven, because then anyone could get in. And that would be cheating.
posted by adamrice at 8:19 AM on July 28, 2022 [11 favorites]
The fact that USA Today felt that they needed to "fact check" this lowers my already abysmal opinion of USA Today.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:29 AM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 8:29 AM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
If they did, why would they tell a fact checker from USA Today about it?
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:47 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I must admit that my vain hope for endeavors like CERN is that we will in fact discover unexpected insights about the nature of reality that will save our doomed species. The whole point of leading edge physics is to expand what we know. So while 'demons' is a silly concept to fear, I'm reminded of A Wrinkle in Time. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to see something like that in my lifetime.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 9:01 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 9:01 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by ZenMasterThis at 9:01 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I want to see a science fiction story where a bunch of demons accidentally open a portal to Earth, and are horrified when a bunch of humans come through and totally screw up hell.
This is more-or-less the plotline to the newer Doom games. Sure, an evil corporation opens the first hellmouth on Mars so they can harvest hell-energy (or something), but then the demons figure out how to open their own, and so the invasion is on. Except their portal works both ways, and lets Doomguy travel into hell, and he just straight-up wrecks the place.
posted by Mayor West at 9:03 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
This is more-or-less the plotline to the newer Doom games. Sure, an evil corporation opens the first hellmouth on Mars so they can harvest hell-energy (or something), but then the demons figure out how to open their own, and so the invasion is on. Except their portal works both ways, and lets Doomguy travel into hell, and he just straight-up wrecks the place.
posted by Mayor West at 9:03 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hold up, I thought the Hellmouth was in Cleveland now.
posted by thivaia at 9:03 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 9:03 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
But if scientists did open a portal to hell, that would be great news for evangelicals because it would finally be tangible proof that their ravings have been correct all along.
I think you may be overestimating the amount that evangelicals care about proof.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:04 AM on July 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
I think you may be overestimating the amount that evangelicals care about proof.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:04 AM on July 28, 2022 [15 favorites]
I'm a little worried that USA Today doesn't understand its core demographic. Yes, the two groups share certain similarities vis-a-vis cognitive capacity, but I'm pretty sure the Venn diagram of "very Online idiots sharing obviously made-up shit on TikTok" and "people who subscribe to the world's worst printed newspaper" looks a lot like Elton John's sunglasses.
posted by Mayor West at 9:08 AM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Mayor West at 9:08 AM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
The fact that USA Today felt that they needed to "fact check" this lowers my already abysmal opinion of USA Today.
USA Today or their readers? Clearly USA Today saw a need…
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:08 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
USA Today or their readers? Clearly USA Today saw a need…
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:08 AM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Funny to think there's a reality where people can believe in a literal portal to hell and also "fact checking." But that's the reality we live in.
posted by subdee at 9:24 AM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by subdee at 9:24 AM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
Why is it always a portal to hell specifically? Why not somewhere more random like, I dunno, the Plane of Infinite Brine, or the Teflon Dimension?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 AM on July 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 AM on July 28, 2022 [9 favorites]
> But the claim is baseless.
The fact that the insane people must be humored to the point where such a statement becomes necessary really says it all.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 10:20 AM on July 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
The fact that the insane people must be humored to the point where such a statement becomes necessary really says it all.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 10:20 AM on July 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
Tell Me No Lies: "I think you may be overestimating the amount that evangelicals care about proof."
Touché.
posted by adamrice at 10:23 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Touché.
posted by adamrice at 10:23 AM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
people who subscribe to the world's worst printed newspaper
Nobody actually subscribes to USA Today. You read it while drinking lukewarm coffee and eating prepackaged banana muffins in the lobby of a La Quinta Inn.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:24 AM on July 28, 2022 [21 favorites]
Nobody actually subscribes to USA Today. You read it while drinking lukewarm coffee and eating prepackaged banana muffins in the lobby of a La Quinta Inn.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:24 AM on July 28, 2022 [21 favorites]
Plane of Infinite Brine, or the Teflon Dimension
Or a dimension of nothing but shrimp. I grew tired of that one.
posted by Servo5678 at 10:25 AM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Or a dimension of nothing but shrimp. I grew tired of that one.
posted by Servo5678 at 10:25 AM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
USA Today is not the worst paper, USA Today is McDonald’s. There are worse places to eat than McDonald’s by far, it’s just the most ubiquitous bad option. It’s always there, and it’s never an act of self love to engage with it. The best you can say for it is that it beats FoxNews / Denny’s.
posted by Ryvar at 10:37 AM on July 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Ryvar at 10:37 AM on July 28, 2022 [6 favorites]
The fact that USA Today felt that they needed to "fact check" this lowers my already abysmal opinion of USA Today.
Their fact checks seem reserved for debunking inane things that significant numbers of people actually believe. I think this is on America 2022, not USA Today.
If I worked in that department, I'd feel compelled to rename the feature "OF COURSE THIS ISN'T REAL, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING POTATOES."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:42 AM on July 28, 2022 [10 favorites]
Their fact checks seem reserved for debunking inane things that significant numbers of people actually believe. I think this is on America 2022, not USA Today.
If I worked in that department, I'd feel compelled to rename the feature "OF COURSE THIS ISN'T REAL, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING POTATOES."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:42 AM on July 28, 2022 [10 favorites]
[ sigh ]
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:58 AM on July 28, 2022
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:58 AM on July 28, 2022
In a separate statement, CERN scientist Vecna Creel asked that citizens within 20 km of the facility avoid playing Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill" between the hours of 11:00-16:00 on August 2nd.
posted by prinado at 12:03 PM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by prinado at 12:03 PM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's funny and full of lols, but one of my kids has been beset with questions by her co-workers because they know she's a physics student. This crazy portal bullshit is real as far as they're concerned.
posted by jquinby at 12:13 PM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by jquinby at 12:13 PM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
really don't think there's a way to cite "evidence" when one opens a portal to hell - it just happens.
It's the 21st century not the dark ages. Can't get VC funding for your portal unless the demonology is data driven and the evocations are evidence based
posted by mark k at 12:14 PM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
It's the 21st century not the dark ages. Can't get VC funding for your portal unless the demonology is data driven and the evocations are evidence based
posted by mark k at 12:14 PM on July 28, 2022 [4 favorites]
but some of the most pernicious, poisonous ideas sure seem to pick up more steam these days.
I dunno. The Pope was in Canada the other day apologizing for some pernicious, poisonous ideas about education that picked up a lot of steam 150 years ago or so. And it was one of many similarly bad ideas about all sorts of things.
posted by clawsoon at 12:51 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I dunno. The Pope was in Canada the other day apologizing for some pernicious, poisonous ideas about education that picked up a lot of steam 150 years ago or so. And it was one of many similarly bad ideas about all sorts of things.
posted by clawsoon at 12:51 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
The way some of you react to USA Today, you would think it was as bad as the NY Times, telling you that Nazi's were very nice people. Frankly, I feel that at worst USA Today is merely boring. At least they HAVE fact checkers.
posted by evilDoug at 1:21 PM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by evilDoug at 1:21 PM on July 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
Does anyone else get the thing where you're just kind of scanning some text, and sometimes there's this unpredictable alchemy of the actual words in the line you are scanning plus what you're primed to think because of, say, a headline, and the proximity of other words in the next line or two, that causes you're brain to do a record-scratching halt because it thinks it has read something that really doesn't make sense?
Well, I have that happen sometimes, and for a split second I thought this article referred to the LHC as the worlds "largest and most haunted accelerator." Which tbh would have probably improved my opinion of USA Today's decision to carry such an asinine "fact" check.
posted by solotoro at 1:57 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Well, I have that happen sometimes, and for a split second I thought this article referred to the LHC as the worlds "largest and most haunted accelerator." Which tbh would have probably improved my opinion of USA Today's decision to carry such an asinine "fact" check.
posted by solotoro at 1:57 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hold up, I thought the Hellmouth was in Cleveland now.
Florida. Close to Mar a Lago.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:22 PM on July 28, 2022
Florida. Close to Mar a Lago.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:22 PM on July 28, 2022
close to?
posted by evilDoug at 2:30 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by evilDoug at 2:30 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
People are always dumb. A zillion years ago when I was borrowing a little (ha ha) 286, and spending a few unhappy months with my mother, I recall her beating on my door and shrieking about computers being a tool of the devil.
Wait...
posted by liminal_shadows at 3:12 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Wait...
posted by liminal_shadows at 3:12 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Anyway, seduce people with texting and games and they'll change their minds, eventually. My mother, in her mid-80s now won't be found more than two steps from her own personal "tool of the devil" and despite dementia she outranked me in Duolingo for a few months.
They don't need to debunk anything. Distraction is all that's necessary, along with prolonged, expanding peer pressure.
posted by liminal_shadows at 3:16 PM on July 28, 2022
They don't need to debunk anything. Distraction is all that's necessary, along with prolonged, expanding peer pressure.
posted by liminal_shadows at 3:16 PM on July 28, 2022
Metafilter: It’s always there, and it’s never an act of self love to engage with it
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:23 PM on July 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:23 PM on July 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
You might be able to get widespread support for a portal to Hell if:
- it provided a huge source of cheap, nonpolluting energy that would reduce climate change and also allow you to continue running your air conditioning at full blast
- it was opened in a city/state/country where those people that you don't like, live
posted by meowzilla at 3:33 PM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
- it provided a huge source of cheap, nonpolluting energy that would reduce climate change and also allow you to continue running your air conditioning at full blast
- it was opened in a city/state/country where those people that you don't like, live
posted by meowzilla at 3:33 PM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Open?
The first time they turned it on, the Cubs won the World Series, Brexit happened, and Trump was elected President. Unless someone out there just got back from a time travel vacation with butterfly goo on their boot, I’m still willing to bet that this whole “worst of all possible timelines” is entirely on CERN.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:33 PM on July 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
The first time they turned it on, the Cubs won the World Series, Brexit happened, and Trump was elected President. Unless someone out there just got back from a time travel vacation with butterfly goo on their boot, I’m still willing to bet that this whole “worst of all possible timelines” is entirely on CERN.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:33 PM on July 28, 2022 [5 favorites]
USA Today is not the worst paper, USA Today is McDonald’s. There are worse places to eat than McDonald’s by far, it’s just the most ubiquitous bad option. It’s always there, and it’s never an act of self love to engage with it. The best you can say for it is that it beats FoxNews / Denny’s.
The Epoch Times is even creepier.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:41 PM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
The Epoch Times is even creepier.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:41 PM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]
Twitter Trending Topics says "Wisconsin's Supreme Court cannot decertify 2020 presidential election results" so I guess there's all sorts of weird shit that potentially leads into a hell portal
posted by credulous at 7:29 PM on July 28, 2022
posted by credulous at 7:29 PM on July 28, 2022
The first time they turned it on, the Cubs won the World Series, Brexit happened, and Trump was elected President
There were some stories floated during its initial teething difficulties about how the LHC couldn’t work as a sort of Many Worlds-meets-anthropic principle; eg every universe it was activated in eventually saw humans gain access to some kind of time travel or retro-causal signaling technology and self-negated via paradox. Usually this whole line of thought (LHC aside) is referred to as the Novikov self-consistency principle.
It wasn’t entirely crazy, since Higgs would be a reasonable step to manipulating gravity, and there are one or two exotic black hole geometries that give rise to closed timelike curves without requiring exotic matter (nothing big enough to push mass through, but a signal would only be nearly impossible from energy requirements). Still mostly crazy.
At any rate, there’s a worse possibility: that theory actually was true and the only universes we observe are the ones that don’t give rise to retro-causal paradoxes because humanity Great Filters itself out of the picture before we can get around to building stable wormhole generators. Which is entirely consistent with observed history since the LHC turned on.
posted by Ryvar at 7:33 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
There were some stories floated during its initial teething difficulties about how the LHC couldn’t work as a sort of Many Worlds-meets-anthropic principle; eg every universe it was activated in eventually saw humans gain access to some kind of time travel or retro-causal signaling technology and self-negated via paradox. Usually this whole line of thought (LHC aside) is referred to as the Novikov self-consistency principle.
It wasn’t entirely crazy, since Higgs would be a reasonable step to manipulating gravity, and there are one or two exotic black hole geometries that give rise to closed timelike curves without requiring exotic matter (nothing big enough to push mass through, but a signal would only be nearly impossible from energy requirements). Still mostly crazy.
At any rate, there’s a worse possibility: that theory actually was true and the only universes we observe are the ones that don’t give rise to retro-causal paradoxes because humanity Great Filters itself out of the picture before we can get around to building stable wormhole generators. Which is entirely consistent with observed history since the LHC turned on.
posted by Ryvar at 7:33 PM on July 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't be so harsh on USA Today. I was just reading this from the BBC's own "Reality Check" department, "False claims of 'deepfake' President Biden go viral", and ok so far so good, deepfakes are a real problem, but then halfway through the article you come across this sort of thing:
posted by bitteschoen at 10:15 PM on July 28, 2022
Baseless claims about Mr Biden being a hologram, CGI, deepfake, masked, cloned, played by a body double or recorded in front of a green screen are not new. They have been spreading on the fringes of the internet for a long time, and have sometimes gone viral. ...So really I guess we should get used to more and more inane theories being fact-checked simply because more and more inane theories are out there?
Some on the more extreme conspiratorial fringe believe President Biden has been arrested or executed, or that the president is part of a nefarious plot and a puppet for a shadowy evil elite who run the world.
posted by bitteschoen at 10:15 PM on July 28, 2022
Humans in a nutshell: capable of building particle accelerators and having to fact check they're not being used for supernatural mumbo jumbo. (All these crazy conspiracy theories are really a form of superstition...)
posted by blue shadows at 11:45 PM on July 28, 2022
posted by blue shadows at 11:45 PM on July 28, 2022
Dr. Gordon Freeman declined to comment.
posted by Foosnark at 6:31 AM on July 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Foosnark at 6:31 AM on July 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
Why are there so many
fears about about Hell-gates
and what's on the other side?
“CERN’s only business
is particle physics,
what happens when protons collide.”
So we've been told, and some choose to believe it,
but do your own research and see:
Someday we'll find it,
The Teflon Dimension,
the wingnuts on TikTok and me.
posted by wreckingball at 6:48 AM on July 29, 2022 [9 favorites]
fears about about Hell-gates
and what's on the other side?
“CERN’s only business
is particle physics,
what happens when protons collide.”
So we've been told, and some choose to believe it,
but do your own research and see:
Someday we'll find it,
The Teflon Dimension,
the wingnuts on TikTok and me.
posted by wreckingball at 6:48 AM on July 29, 2022 [9 favorites]
Twinkle twinkle little CERN
how I wonder what you discern
colliding in your Hadron horror
calling demons' wicked spirits over ...
In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
‘Till high evil principalities are nigh.
posted by taz at 7:31 AM on July 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
how I wonder what you discern
colliding in your Hadron horror
calling demons' wicked spirits over ...
In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
‘Till high evil principalities are nigh.
posted by taz at 7:31 AM on July 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
I want to see a science fiction story where a bunch of demons accidentally open a portal to Earth, and are horrified when a bunch of humans come through and totally screw up hell.
The Diana Wynne Jones novel Dark Lord of Derkholm takes place in a fundamentally well-adjusted fantasy world that accidentally opens up a portal to Earth, where upon Walt Disney pops through, holds a demon hostage, and remakes the entire world as a tourist trap for retired Floridans, insisting that they hew to every racist and sexist trope imaginable. The novel is told from the point of view of the schlub who's been hired as this year's showrunner, and has to go around wearily telling villages that women aren't allowed to be seen running things, the forces of evil have to be the Middle East-inspired kingdoms, and we all have to put up with this together, no how many people are slaughtered by sword-happy cosplayers, because otherwise we just won't get paid.
It gets better. The sequel, Year of the Griffin, consists of a gaggle of students at Wizard College slowly realizing that, thanks to Disney's influence, college has become a neoliberal Job Market Provider staffed exclusively by graduates of the same process, i.e. students who never learned how to learn. Its depictions of these students stumbling upon genuinely compelling books, discovering what knowledge actually looks like, and going through cycles of curiosity, experiment, hilarious failures, and ecstatic success are juxtaposed against the infuriating ways in which their teachers perpetually condescend to them, because they're incapable of thinking of individual exploration in any terms other than a threat to their power, and to the "efficiency" of the system that's slowly destroyed everything valuable in the world.
It's a fantastic eat-your-cake-and-have-it send-up of high fantasy. So many loving depictions of terrible fantasy tropes, so many fun inversions starring the real humans behind the tropes, and such an unbridled joy in imagination and human potential, contrasted with the idea that evil is worse than sadistic: it's simply ignorant and uncaring, because it never learned how to see the parts of people that it's crushing into dust.
(Yes, I literally signed up for an account just to share this. I have no regrets.)
posted by Tom Hanks Cannot Be Trusted at 8:08 AM on July 29, 2022 [14 favorites]
The Diana Wynne Jones novel Dark Lord of Derkholm takes place in a fundamentally well-adjusted fantasy world that accidentally opens up a portal to Earth, where upon Walt Disney pops through, holds a demon hostage, and remakes the entire world as a tourist trap for retired Floridans, insisting that they hew to every racist and sexist trope imaginable. The novel is told from the point of view of the schlub who's been hired as this year's showrunner, and has to go around wearily telling villages that women aren't allowed to be seen running things, the forces of evil have to be the Middle East-inspired kingdoms, and we all have to put up with this together, no how many people are slaughtered by sword-happy cosplayers, because otherwise we just won't get paid.
It gets better. The sequel, Year of the Griffin, consists of a gaggle of students at Wizard College slowly realizing that, thanks to Disney's influence, college has become a neoliberal Job Market Provider staffed exclusively by graduates of the same process, i.e. students who never learned how to learn. Its depictions of these students stumbling upon genuinely compelling books, discovering what knowledge actually looks like, and going through cycles of curiosity, experiment, hilarious failures, and ecstatic success are juxtaposed against the infuriating ways in which their teachers perpetually condescend to them, because they're incapable of thinking of individual exploration in any terms other than a threat to their power, and to the "efficiency" of the system that's slowly destroyed everything valuable in the world.
It's a fantastic eat-your-cake-and-have-it send-up of high fantasy. So many loving depictions of terrible fantasy tropes, so many fun inversions starring the real humans behind the tropes, and such an unbridled joy in imagination and human potential, contrasted with the idea that evil is worse than sadistic: it's simply ignorant and uncaring, because it never learned how to see the parts of people that it's crushing into dust.
(Yes, I literally signed up for an account just to share this. I have no regrets.)
posted by Tom Hanks Cannot Be Trusted at 8:08 AM on July 29, 2022 [14 favorites]
Well, I for one thank you for joining up, Tom Hanks Cannot Be Trusted. These books sound fabulous and I am off to purchase them right now.
posted by sharp pointy objects at 8:18 AM on July 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by sharp pointy objects at 8:18 AM on July 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
They will shut the portal from the other side, after coughing up some collosal cosmic hairball, full of galactic gnat spawn.
posted by Oyéah at 9:12 AM on July 29, 2022
posted by Oyéah at 9:12 AM on July 29, 2022
I'm imagining a bunch of demons on the other side of the door, pushing and straining, yelling at someone to for fuck's sake get a chair under the handle before those arseholes get in and ruin the place.
posted by dg at 11:13 PM on August 1, 2022
posted by dg at 11:13 PM on August 1, 2022
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posted by Servo5678 at 6:35 AM on July 28, 2022 [3 favorites]