Every Avenger Ranked by How Likely They’d Be to Save Me, a Muslim
August 1, 2023 12:04 PM Subscribe
Earth’s Mightiest Heroes? More like Earth’s Mightiest MENACES! It’s no secret that the Avengers cause a lot of collateral damage — so they have to prioritize who to save and when. Ever since Thor flew through the local Halal Guys, I’ve found myself thinking about which ones I can count on to have my back if they know I’m Muslim. Here’s my best guess, arranged in a neatly ranked list based on existing reports.
That was far funnier than I've come to expect from these sorts of listicles.
posted by jferg at 12:18 PM on August 1, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by jferg at 12:18 PM on August 1, 2023 [19 favorites]
Bruce Banner has seven PhDs. When he says he has Muslim friends, I believe him.
That got an audible chuckle out of me.
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 12:22 PM on August 1, 2023 [13 favorites]
That got an audible chuckle out of me.
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 12:22 PM on August 1, 2023 [13 favorites]
Yeah, this was lightweight but well-written. Gets in, gets the idea across, bows, and clears the stage. The same theme stretched across three times the word count would have sagged.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:24 PM on August 1, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:24 PM on August 1, 2023 [19 favorites]
She spent a brief amount of time on Earth and picked up a “Blue Lives Matter” sticker for herself. She doesn’t totally get what it means, but that’s also okay.
Agreed, ricochet biscuit. I'm not quite sure where the author gets a lot of their conjectures, but it was amusing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:27 PM on August 1, 2023
Agreed, ricochet biscuit. I'm not quite sure where the author gets a lot of their conjectures, but it was amusing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:27 PM on August 1, 2023
I'm LOLling over the Captain America one. I would share the quote that I just now copied, but honestly, just read them all.
posted by NoMich at 12:31 PM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by NoMich at 12:31 PM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
The same theme stretched across three times the word count would have sagged.
Agree. I really enjoyed this. The presentation reminds me of that “If I Fought This DS9 Character, Would I Win?” Post from several years ago.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 12:39 PM on August 1, 2023 [17 favorites]
Agree. I really enjoyed this. The presentation reminds me of that “If I Fought This DS9 Character, Would I Win?” Post from several years ago.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 12:39 PM on August 1, 2023 [17 favorites]
I'm pretty sure Jadzia Dax could take out the Hulk.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
kinda meh, but the last few entries (inc. the bonus) make it worthwhile.
that DS9 list, though -- that's pure gold.
posted by martin q blank at 12:45 PM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
that DS9 list, though -- that's pure gold.
posted by martin q blank at 12:45 PM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
Wasn't Tony Stark bombing a Muslim country when we met him in the first Iron Man movie?
posted by biffa at 1:00 PM on August 1, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by biffa at 1:00 PM on August 1, 2023 [7 favorites]
+1 for keeping everything on one page. Now that’s something Captain America can stand behind.
posted by m@f at 1:17 PM on August 1, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by m@f at 1:17 PM on August 1, 2023 [15 favorites]
Someone in the comments asked where Thanos was on the list, which is a good point. He would save literally one half of Muslims; that might place him near the top.
posted by xigxag at 1:20 PM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by xigxag at 1:20 PM on August 1, 2023 [5 favorites]
The Hard Drive has been killing it with the listicles lately and someone called him on it and he basically admitted that his site traffic was dying due to the downfall of Twitter. I feel bad for the guy because he's very funny and HD got some press a while back with the way they pay their writers a fair percentage of revenue. Not sure they still have any other writers though.
posted by bondcliff at 1:34 PM on August 1, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 1:34 PM on August 1, 2023 [10 favorites]
Nebula slander! Not because she's so open-minded, but because religion is one of those Earth distinctions she could not give a shit about. (They're right about Rocket, though. He would be annoying.)
But, yes, props for keeping it snappy.
posted by praemunire at 1:48 PM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
But, yes, props for keeping it snappy.
posted by praemunire at 1:48 PM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
Wasn't Tony Stark bombing a Muslim country when we met him in the first Iron Man movie?
Kinda? Demonstrating/selling weapons to be used against an Islamic country, anyway. But since that's the beginngin of his arc and so much of his arc is about turning away from that, I figured that's what the author meant by making up for past deeds.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:03 PM on August 1, 2023 [7 favorites]
Kinda? Demonstrating/selling weapons to be used against an Islamic country, anyway. But since that's the beginngin of his arc and so much of his arc is about turning away from that, I figured that's what the author meant by making up for past deeds.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:03 PM on August 1, 2023 [7 favorites]
Comic nerds probably should be aware that these are the MCU Avengers.
posted by Ashwagandha at 2:10 PM on August 1, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Ashwagandha at 2:10 PM on August 1, 2023 [4 favorites]
Wasn't Tony Stark bombing a Muslim country when we met him in the first Iron Man movie?
You don't even want to know about Stark Industries work in Vietnam.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:33 PM on August 1, 2023 [6 favorites]
You don't even want to know about Stark Industries work in Vietnam.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:33 PM on August 1, 2023 [6 favorites]
Sticks the landing, too!
posted by clew at 2:39 PM on August 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by clew at 2:39 PM on August 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
I liked the sly reference to Kamala Khan in the Captain Marvel one. "She has a Muslim friend."
posted by Well I never at 4:44 PM on August 1, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Well I never at 4:44 PM on August 1, 2023 [6 favorites]
Tony Stark is way too highly ranked. Should be below War Machine. The latter is a cog in the military industrial complex while the former owns it.
posted by Nec_variat_lux_fracta_colorem at 5:11 PM on August 1, 2023
posted by Nec_variat_lux_fracta_colorem at 5:11 PM on August 1, 2023
You think Quark will be an easy win but he'll spend the week before the fight scheming and getting into hijinks - trying to pay a space mobster to kill you only to wind up in trouble with the space mob himself, etc. - and then Rom will come up with some high tech solution that seems like it'll work but something will go wrong. In the end Quark will escape a thrashing by doing something surprisingly noble and selfless and he'll insist that he was actually acting out of pure greed.
Bashir is an augment, and he'll just out-clever you. He'll take you down with some variation of the Vulcan neck pinch you've never heard of, then you'll wake up to find him reviving you with a hypospray. He'll treat any injuries you have and he will be, somehow, simultaneously compassionate and smirky about it.
You might beat Dukat, but he'll be so conniving and slimy and awful about the whole thing that you'll actually end up feeling kind of sorry for the bastard.
Ezri Dax will probably kill you and then be tormented about it forever. Don't put Ezri through that.
Odo will indeed lay you out flat in some humiliating, gooey fashion, then he'll stand over you and go "Hmph!"
Kira will slit your throat, full stop. Garak will also slit your throat but he'll distract you with a lot of sweet talk first.
Worf can be a badass but he can also be a bit of a paper tiger. Whether he beats you or not depends on the writers' mood that week.
You'll never lay a hand on Kai Winn. She'll arrange to have you quietly disposed of before it ever gets to that point.
If you hurt Jake-o, I'll kick your ass.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:29 PM on August 1, 2023 [10 favorites]
Bashir is an augment, and he'll just out-clever you. He'll take you down with some variation of the Vulcan neck pinch you've never heard of, then you'll wake up to find him reviving you with a hypospray. He'll treat any injuries you have and he will be, somehow, simultaneously compassionate and smirky about it.
You might beat Dukat, but he'll be so conniving and slimy and awful about the whole thing that you'll actually end up feeling kind of sorry for the bastard.
Ezri Dax will probably kill you and then be tormented about it forever. Don't put Ezri through that.
Odo will indeed lay you out flat in some humiliating, gooey fashion, then he'll stand over you and go "Hmph!"
Kira will slit your throat, full stop. Garak will also slit your throat but he'll distract you with a lot of sweet talk first.
Worf can be a badass but he can also be a bit of a paper tiger. Whether he beats you or not depends on the writers' mood that week.
You'll never lay a hand on Kai Winn. She'll arrange to have you quietly disposed of before it ever gets to that point.
If you hurt Jake-o, I'll kick your ass.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:29 PM on August 1, 2023 [10 favorites]
I'm going to have to quibble about her placement of Tony Stark.
Other than Captain Marvel he's one of the few MCU characters who actually did have a Muslim friend. Dr. Ho Yinsen saved his live in the cave in the beginning of Iron Man, and Tony was driven to murderous rage when he was murdered by the Ten Rings.
I'm not saying that means he'd necessarially be more likely to save the person who wrote this, but if we're talking about MCU characters who have Muslim friends, Tony is actually seen on screen with a Muslim friend.
That's not to say he might not say she's "one of the good ones" or make some snarky comment about shawarma. He is a dick after all. But he'd save her, not because of Dr. Yinsen, but because he's got a hero complex almost as massive as his ego.
posted by sotonohito at 6:48 PM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
Other than Captain Marvel he's one of the few MCU characters who actually did have a Muslim friend. Dr. Ho Yinsen saved his live in the cave in the beginning of Iron Man, and Tony was driven to murderous rage when he was murdered by the Ten Rings.
I'm not saying that means he'd necessarially be more likely to save the person who wrote this, but if we're talking about MCU characters who have Muslim friends, Tony is actually seen on screen with a Muslim friend.
That's not to say he might not say she's "one of the good ones" or make some snarky comment about shawarma. He is a dick after all. But he'd save her, not because of Dr. Yinsen, but because he's got a hero complex almost as massive as his ego.
posted by sotonohito at 6:48 PM on August 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
You might beat Dukat, but he'll be so conniving and slimy and awful about the whole thing that you'll actually end up feeling kind of sorry for the bastard.
Mmm, no. He'll make a point of saying that he deserved it and that he's turned over a new leaf since losing the station and blah blah blah, and then a cute Bajoran will walk by and you'll turn to look at them and Dukat will smirk and say, "Eh, I've had better," and you'll know that he means DURING THE OCCUPATION, and you'll punch him again. Others: Weyoun, no, he's got people for that and will probably talk you out of it anyway; Damar, depends on how sober he is; Eddington, no, he was actually really crap at his job if he couldn't activate a virus in some piece of machinery. Kasidy will knock you out with a smile. Martok survived the gladiatorial pits in the Dominion gulag; just beg for mercy. Brunt (FCA) has Nausicaan guards with him at all times for a reason.
Also, the thing about Tony Stark is that, before he was in Whereverstan for IM1, his weapons blew the crap out of Sokovia, which was more than likely an Orthodox Catholic country. I'd also rank Steve higher, because come on, man.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:53 PM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
Mmm, no. He'll make a point of saying that he deserved it and that he's turned over a new leaf since losing the station and blah blah blah, and then a cute Bajoran will walk by and you'll turn to look at them and Dukat will smirk and say, "Eh, I've had better," and you'll know that he means DURING THE OCCUPATION, and you'll punch him again. Others: Weyoun, no, he's got people for that and will probably talk you out of it anyway; Damar, depends on how sober he is; Eddington, no, he was actually really crap at his job if he couldn't activate a virus in some piece of machinery. Kasidy will knock you out with a smile. Martok survived the gladiatorial pits in the Dominion gulag; just beg for mercy. Brunt (FCA) has Nausicaan guards with him at all times for a reason.
Also, the thing about Tony Stark is that, before he was in Whereverstan for IM1, his weapons blew the crap out of Sokovia, which was more than likely an Orthodox Catholic country. I'd also rank Steve higher, because come on, man.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:53 PM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
Ashwagandha: "Comic nerds probably should be aware that these are the MCU Avengers."
I kno you wrote it for laughs, but not everyone who reads comics appreciates being called a nerd.
posted by signal at 7:28 PM on August 1, 2023
I kno you wrote it for laughs, but not everyone who reads comics appreciates being called a nerd.
posted by signal at 7:28 PM on August 1, 2023
I'm going to have to quibble about her placement of Tony Stark.
Just quick fact check, the author has a stereotypically male name (and I double checked the IG presence too fwiw)
posted by cendawanita at 4:28 AM on August 2, 2023
Just quick fact check, the author has a stereotypically male name (and I double checked the IG presence too fwiw)
posted by cendawanita at 4:28 AM on August 2, 2023
in jannah there is no Marvel Comics Universe
Well, there goes my plan to catch up on my reading when I'm dead and done my stint in hell.
posted by cendawanita at 4:29 AM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Well, there goes my plan to catch up on my reading when I'm dead and done my stint in hell.
posted by cendawanita at 4:29 AM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Man, Nakia not being placed - I call shenanigans. She's literally introduced playing a hijabi and saving Muslims. It's actually canon!
posted by cendawanita at 4:34 AM on August 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by cendawanita at 4:34 AM on August 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
I kno you wrote it for laughs, but not everyone who reads comics appreciates being called a nerd.
True. But it is also true that some of us who read comics proudly call ourselves nerds.
Given that Ashwagandha was distinguishing among multiple superhero universes, it seems obvious to me that their use of the word "nerd" was good-humoredly self-identifying.
posted by yankeefog at 5:34 AM on August 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
True. But it is also true that some of us who read comics proudly call ourselves nerds.
Given that Ashwagandha was distinguishing among multiple superhero universes, it seems obvious to me that their use of the word "nerd" was good-humoredly self-identifying.
posted by yankeefog at 5:34 AM on August 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
(Side note in case it’s relevant: the meanings of the terms need and geek seem to be largely reversed between the US and Commonwealth countries, although considerable variation - including beyond the two major definitions of (1) really into certain pop culture artefacts including comics and comics-derived works, role playing games, computer/video games and (2) really into academics (especially math, science, and technology) or a non-academic but still intellectually-related interest such as computer and electronics, in an uncool sort of way; as well as which is more strongly historically associated with the 1980s stereotype of a young male with poor social skills and hygiene - also exists within each country.)
posted by eviemath at 8:59 AM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by eviemath at 8:59 AM on August 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
(Fortunately also the young folks these days are doing much better at reclaiming and re-defining both terms, and making them obsolete as social signifiers in the first place, than we ever were in my younger days.)
posted by eviemath at 9:00 AM on August 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by eviemath at 9:00 AM on August 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
In my experience, the only time that "nerd" really functions as an insult these days is when it's used on somebody like Elon Musk who is so wrapped up in trying to seem cool in a post-2010s "nerd-chic" sense that other nerds make fun of them for being laughably basic in their nerdery.
Example: Me and my friends are all nerds, we like to have fun playing PC strategy and tabletop games and don't care what people think.
Elon Musk, though? He's a fuckin' *nyerrrrrd* who reposts 8-year-old memes and literally bought an entire social media site so he could shut down people who make fun of him. He's the lowest of the low, a nerd that other nerds think is a nerd because he's so bad at nerding.
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:30 AM on August 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Example: Me and my friends are all nerds, we like to have fun playing PC strategy and tabletop games and don't care what people think.
Elon Musk, though? He's a fuckin' *nyerrrrrd* who reposts 8-year-old memes and literally bought an entire social media site so he could shut down people who make fun of him. He's the lowest of the low, a nerd that other nerds think is a nerd because he's so bad at nerding.
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:30 AM on August 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm pretty sure Jadzia Dax could take out the Hulk.
Yeah, but the Hulk gets taken out by somebody in almost every MCU movie. By Hulkbuster in Avengers 2. Fights Thor to a draw in the first Avengers then gets decisively beaten by Thor in Ragnarok before the Grandmaster cheats. Beaten more easily by 2-Infinity-Gem-Thanos than Stark is by 4-Infinity-Gem-Thanos. Needs to be rescued from a pile of rubble by...Ant-Man...in Endgame.
posted by straight at 12:59 PM on August 2, 2023
Yeah, but the Hulk gets taken out by somebody in almost every MCU movie. By Hulkbuster in Avengers 2. Fights Thor to a draw in the first Avengers then gets decisively beaten by Thor in Ragnarok before the Grandmaster cheats. Beaten more easily by 2-Infinity-Gem-Thanos than Stark is by 4-Infinity-Gem-Thanos. Needs to be rescued from a pile of rubble by...Ant-Man...in Endgame.
posted by straight at 12:59 PM on August 2, 2023
then a cute Bajoran will walk by and you'll turn to look at them and Dukat will smirk and say, "Eh, I've had better," and you'll know that he means DURING THE OCCUPATION, and you'll punch him again.
Not to derail a dying thread, but I don't think of Dukat as being that obviously crude. His evil is more insidious, it creeps up on you. Like, a young Bajoran woman would walk by and he'd smile a little sadly and say that she reminds him of girl he knew, long ago. She was a great beauty and a gentle soul, and he treasured their time together. But then those terrorist scum got a hold of her and filled her head with lies. Why couldn't she understand that the Cardassians were only there to help her people? In the end... Well, it broke his heart to have her executed.
Also, Miles O'Brien would probably flatten you. He may seem like he's just a doughy, middle-aged dude with cursed luck, but he's got some nasty war stories, stuff he doesn't even like to talk about, and he can really throw down when he needs to.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:29 PM on August 4, 2023
Not to derail a dying thread, but I don't think of Dukat as being that obviously crude. His evil is more insidious, it creeps up on you. Like, a young Bajoran woman would walk by and he'd smile a little sadly and say that she reminds him of girl he knew, long ago. She was a great beauty and a gentle soul, and he treasured their time together. But then those terrorist scum got a hold of her and filled her head with lies. Why couldn't she understand that the Cardassians were only there to help her people? In the end... Well, it broke his heart to have her executed.
Also, Miles O'Brien would probably flatten you. He may seem like he's just a doughy, middle-aged dude with cursed luck, but he's got some nasty war stories, stuff he doesn't even like to talk about, and he can really throw down when he needs to.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:29 PM on August 4, 2023
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T'Challa, inshallah.
posted by lalochezia at 12:12 PM on August 1, 2023 [12 favorites]