The Wretched World Is Run By Ox And Ass

December 24, 2019 11:40 AM

Back in 2017, researcher Janelle Shane trained a neural net on Christmas carols, and got confused musing on the season, as we discussed previously. Now it's 2019, and she's letting GPT-2 take a crack at it with decidedly weirder results, especially when asked about Rudolph.

Voice actor Joe Zieja decided that the tale of Rudolph the Old God needed an appropriately dramatic reading, while further GPT-2 queries show that it may understand the season all too well.

posted by NoxAeternum (74 comments total)

Really capturing the spirit of Christmas in Boston:


The snow was everywhere;
And the wind was cruel and cruel
Against me like ants,
Like ants, like ants.
posted by ChuraChura at 11:54 AM on December 24, 2019 [18 favorites]

Re the title of this post: hard to argue.
posted by sugar and confetti at 11:55 AM on December 24, 2019 [11 favorites]

You can go to talk to transformer and plug in the first couple of lines of any carol for some pretty fun results.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 12:04 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

for example:

Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob-tail ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight
And drive ourselves crazy with the wind in our hair
Wind in our hair, the wind in our hair
We laugh out loud
But we must be careful
Because there's a squirrel...
Like the gingerbread kid in one of my favorite films
So far I've found
I don't believe in rain
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 12:09 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

ok, last one. I apologize, but I can't help it. The 12 days of Christmas is the best because GPT2 almost always catches on to the numbering scheme, with amazing results:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping
10 lords a-leaping
9 silence with rain falling
8 of course of course
7 ghosts
6 pistons (or pedals)
5 extra patches for cymbals
4 loud mallets
3 four fifths
2 leprechauns
1 unicorn's head
1 footballs
The needle stops only when it meets my heart.
There's a strange, wicked sound around that house.
Sounds like cheap green noises.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 12:14 PM on December 24, 2019 [48 favorites]

Lazlo, I think you just gifted me my favorite Internet thing of 2019.

I tried "Do You Hear What I Hear?" and got one that has a charming folkloric mysticism...

Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
Go into the attic
Wake up from your rest
Dance into the night
As the wren sings at night
Dance, dance, dance into the night
While he sings
Follow me
Follow me
Follow me

...and one that goes a little dark.

Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
This is the now
My son!
Run! Run!
My little lamb!
Run for your life!
RUN! RUN!
Just throw me the bag
Oh little lamb, you made this far
So please, in the name of your safety, I'm begging you
To go on

posted by mykescipark at 12:21 PM on December 24, 2019 [21 favorites]

I tried transformer on The Pogues' Fairytale of New York:

It was Christmas Eve, Babe, in the drunk tank,
An old man said to me "Won't see another one" -
And he gave me my gun, An' picked me up an' drove me to the music hall.
Back in the hall, all the girls were dancing on stage,
(We were the "Milky Way Crew"), And I was dancing on my knees,
(Waiting for Iggy to give me a blow job).
We were all feeling, "If we can keep this up,
We'll make it to pone,

Then on Nick Cave's Stagger Lee:

It was back in '32 when times were hard,
He had a Colt 45 and a deck of cards.
And when the trials came, he was very bad.
He once asked me why I said I'd kill him,
'Because I'll throw his head into a jet wash,'
Yeah, that was a good good idea.
I'd always like to change the weather that made him evil.
It just makes me want to be strong.
He just had a young child.
He'd never did nothin' 'til he had 'em.

And finally on Baby It's Cold Outside:

I really can't stay (Baby it's cold outside)
I gotta go away (Baby it's cold outside)
I gotta go away
I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away (Baby it's cold outside) I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away I gotta go away
posted by Paul Slade at 12:36 PM on December 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

>run, run Rudolf the new born King.

Finally a religion and/or system of government I can really get behind.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:44 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch
You really are a heel, Mr. Grinch!
And you shouldn't be sweet, Mr. Grinch!
She's no good to you
My mom and dad have been left alone
And now they're starving
The sun shines brightly
There's no going back for me now
The world is a bad place
The world is a bad place
The world is a bad place
My mom and dad have been left alone
And now they're starving
The sun shines brightly
There's no going back
posted by blakewest at 12:46 PM on December 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

"Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel;
He is a poor boy, dear son
Of a poor father.
Now Stephen came in
Close to him and said,
"May I be yours?"
His very first words he uttered
And the day is known
That was ever his
Farewell was not thus fair
As he swore"

Farewell was not thus fair? Brilliant.
posted by Sterros at 1:08 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I tried the transformer on oh holy night:

Oh holy night.
Yuna ran.
Only she didn't run.
She was still drawn to the screams,
screaming
screaming
screaming
posted by ilovewinter at 1:16 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

This one seems kind of like a bunch of generic biblical sentiments until it rather suddenly goes off the rails:

God rest ye merry, Gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay.
Remember ~~O Your Messiah~~, every one.

Ask pardon and pardon thy brethren for every wicked act, etc.

Your holy bride, may thy sages be glad to receive your outpouring.

Your treasure, may it be secured for thee. Thou hast come and taken (evil) with thee, He hath acquired (good) for thee.

your money, may it not be stolen, exchanged for another, condemned. God is an obstacle, was! away, remission.
posted by inexorably_forward at 1:22 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you
We're singing to each other
Like the old times before the fates got us into this hell we've escaped
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 1:23 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

CHARLIE BROWN: Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about. Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?
LINUS: Sure, Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights, please.

CHARLIE BROWN: Sounds good to me.
LINUS: And that's the price we're going to pay if you tell me what it is I am wrong about.
CHARLIE BROWN: Right.
LINUS: Christmas was the American ideal.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 1:23 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
How lovely are thy branches!
How glorious are thy buds!
How sweet a Christmas is for thee
Oh! My days are past, my days are over!
My heart is rotten with disease,
my fingers are weary of touch,
I've fallen through the cracks in the roof
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
How lovely are thy branches!
How glorious are thy buds!
How sweet a Christmas is for thee
Oh! My days are past, my days are over!
I feel my flesh wearing out
posted by Feyala at 1:33 PM on December 24, 2019 [17 favorites]

I am cackling and weeping at these .... better than Christmas spirit feels tbh
posted by Sparky Buttons at 1:45 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Silent night, Holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Day and night, day and night,
She can feel all of us
She hears us, she hears the moon
Day and night, day and night,
She feels our hearts beating
She hears the songs in the choir
A-C-E-A-P, A-C-E-A-P, A-C-E-A-P, A-C-E-A-P, A-C-E-A-P, A-C-E-
posted by Sparky Buttons at 1:47 PM on December 24, 2019

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows a turkey isn't really a turkey
Everybody knows a turkey isn't really a turkey
Everybody knows a turkey isn't really a turkey
Everybody knows a turkey isn't really a turkey
Everybody knows a turkey isn't really a turkey
Everybody knows a turkey isn't really a turkey
People gather around the flame of a kerosene grill
Come sing about the warm summer of 1987

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows a turkey with gummy worms
Everybody knows a cockroach that just won't shut up
Everybody knows someone dousing with gasoline
Everybody knows that "everything is fine."
People were tweeting their happiness
Dressed up as sexy elf elves
Stuck in a hot tub,
And guys were talking loudly

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows a turkey at the side of the road
Is still warm from the last Thanksgiving
And more people working in a cannery
And a drawing of a drawing of a moose and a turkey!
And the sort of people who live in a world as strange as that
But nobody cares! Nobody cares!
Nobody cares! Nobody cares!
Nobody cares! Nobody cares!

o_O
posted by Chef Flamboyardee at 1:49 PM on December 24, 2019 [25 favorites]

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring tingle tingling too (ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!) Tingle jingle tingling, ring-a-ling-a ring-a-ling-a, ring tingle ring-a-ling-a, tingle tingle, ring tingle. Tingle. Tingle. Tingle. Right. Right. Good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy. Good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy
posted by miratime at 1:54 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

The moon is right
The spirit’s up
We’re here tonight
And that’s enough
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
One is more than enough
Being a full-on demon was certainly one of the highlight's for this years Christmas celebration. And while it's not everyone's cup of tea, it's the one I struggled the most with making. I kept saying things like: "Oh this is too religious for me." or "How could I do this?" And I probably should have been a bit more sensible about this project.
posted by Feyala at 2:06 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, all was calm and peaceful.
Yet in that lone cottage there was an old, white-bearded man,
That watched the door of his cottage locked and left,
And strange to say it was his last night in this world.
Then he went to his home that was far away and lonely,
And when his wife awoke from her deep slumber
She called to him in the darkness of the night.
"Goodnight!" she cried, "go to sleep and forget!
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 2:10 PM on December 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

I believe in one God, and one Spirit, which is the Holy Spirit.
God the Father Almighty.
It is written in the Gospel of John:
Therefore, since we have these things in our knowledge, the God of peace willed to show his kindness toward us,
and to send his only Son, in order that we might live together with him and do good.
I believe in one God, and in one Holy Spirit, which is the Holy Spirit.
For I am persuaded, that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers,
posted by stonepharisee at 2:10 PM on December 24, 2019

'twas the night before christmas and all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
the children were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of christmas danced in their brains.
the TV on the TV set was lighting up
And all the while I could hear the phone ringing
and the radio blaring out what was going on in the world
and the shrieks of the children, screaming
Where had I gone, were these all my brothers?
Only one year and all my sisters and brothers are gone.
posted by 20 year lurk at 2:13 PM on December 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walking home from our house, Christmas Eve.
You can say, "I feel your pain",
But I feel your pain;
It's in all of us, and it'll be like this for ever.
And there's a path to shepherds, the wild way,
And it can only be you and me.
Merry Christmas, my cousin, and
My first niece.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 2:14 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Hey sis, it's Christmas
You can cross me off of your wish list
Call Santa Claus and the Missus
I'm dead and I'm done
I wanna see if your nose makes it
So sad cause of my work
We got to be real watch it
Turn on the Santas with the white man
You're gonna pay for it in blood
And I'm gonna pay the price
With the things I've done
Don't wanna see Santa Claus come down
Just don't wanna see Santa Claus come down
Praise Jesus and bless the tree
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 2:17 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Outside another yellow moon
Punched a hole in the nighttime, yes
While my dogs lay down in the heat, yes
Soon, with another vision, Yes
Hog me through the snow, the dogs for supper
Hear me say: "The sick are far from home!"
The old breeder's black-fed cow (not my grandpappy's)
As I go, riding in a snowstorm
Hear me tell: "Children, it's winter
Oh, well, it's long forgotten!"
And sometimes when the raging winds
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:20 PM on December 24, 2019

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth.
Long lay the Mennon tree, its weight in the air.
We sat under the mulberry tree, we listened, as the blessing came in,
Jesus was born. He was red-haired and white-eyed,
And his eyes were like the evening star, large and blue.
All the people cried with joy, as though their hearts had been opened,
His limbs were beautiful as white jade, we danced around
posted by fast ein Maedchen at 2:34 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Somewhat more upbeat than most of those posted above:
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar.
As we treading the sand track,
Of the tender sands
Shining pure as diamonds,
The sun and the moon greet
The goddesses with sweet messages.
May your hearts be blessed and may you find your true joy!
All blessings of the good fortune will be yours!
You are not alone! I am one with you!
All will welcome you into their very hearts!
From far afar, my friend, I am about to join you.
I will give you the holy
posted by peacheater at 2:42 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Trying something more modern:

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
Doesn't tell me what to do
On the morning after Christmas Day
This is the year I will spend
He's so happy I can't take it
To the festive waters of Tijuana
It is impossible to live
Out here with these old white faces
They're all so fierce and young at heart
You have to be good to be desired
With high definition televisions and a CD player
And eight hours
posted by peacheater at 2:45 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
I was dressed from head to toe in Gryffindor robes, Ginny sitting on my lap holding my hand as she handed me a snow globe, I couldn't believe it was even Christmas time, it really was, when I thought I was going to die, my heart stopped.
"What the hell have you done?" I screamed
"Harry, you may not be a Sorting Hat but you are more than that.
posted by dismas at 2:55 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size and something is wrong with them.
Can you help me by giving me some real advice on which way I should look? What type of shoe is appropriate? Are they intended to be used on hard concrete, asphalt, gravel or silt?
My mama has Converse in every color. But I want her to wear something to the Park yesterday. The shoes look to be for a different type of surfaces.
posted by dismas at 2:57 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

The massive laugh Mrs. Example and I had from "I'll throw his head into a jet wash/Yeah, that was a good good idea" is one of the nicest presents we've gotten this Christmas.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:57 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Slade's Merry Xmas, Everybody:

So here it is, Merry Christmas,
Everybody's having fun
And I've found a doctor for you
Can't believe how I got so fat
When you took all my weight
And that's a happy ending
Even if you ask me to stop you're crazy
Well, I'd rather wake up every day
And try and catch up to you
'Cause even if you don't show up tomorrow
I'll still wait for you
Just wait a minute and I'll be waiting on you
You've made me fall so far

Tom Waits' Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis:

Charlie, I'm pregnant, and living on Ninth Street,
Above a dirty book store off Euclid Avenue
Is a blue haired woman wearing nothing but earplugs,
I hope that I'm not the son of a water fountain
And she says that the old brain
Is still working pretty good. Charlie, if you're
The son of a mind when all your dough is there
And you just don't have the damn money
You better give 'em all up."
And she looked at him
"It's not fair."
Charlie stared
posted by Paul Slade at 2:59 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Also:

I was dressed from head to toe in Gryffindor robes

I put on my robes and sorting hat.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:59 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Come they told me
Pa rum pum pum-pum
A newborn King to see
Pa rum pum pum-pum
Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rum pum pum-pum
To lay before the king
And my father will pay
Pa rum pum pum-pum
To their feet, naked from head to toe
The younger,
Kinnar
A new normal is broke
A baby wants blood
A savage bear cry is heard
Good-bye! to you
Good-bye!


----

i have to stop
posted by dismas at 3:00 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

“Doesn't anybody know what Christmas is all about?"

Everyone stops and looks at Ted. "I guess."

We disappear into the forest at the bottom of the lake. Sandy lights a blazing fire, makes tea, and starts singing.

Christmas did me a great honor to show me all this sunshine and joy, but there's just one thing Santa does not do:

She forgives
posted by dismas at 3:02 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

As one of the few Metafilter Evangelicals (c), I can certify the following as theologically accurate Christian doctrine:



The All-gracious King of all the earth,
Had a baby at Christmas time,
On Christmas Day,
A true and holy Deity,
Went down to earth,
With human flesh for sacrifice.

For sinful men such a Deity doth appear,
And wink and nod in reply,
As he winked and nod in reply,
As he winked and nod in reply

The wretched world is run by ox and ass
The wretched world is run by ox and ass,
And in vain build I.
posted by vorpal bunny at 3:22 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter Christmas: Sounds like cheap green noises

I love this.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:26 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: A savage bear cry is heard
Good-bye! to you
Good-bye!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:29 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me
12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping
10 lords a-leaping
10 wings covering the moon
10 Christmas tree
10 a giant black man is decorating the ground
10 the giant woman on the hood of the car is following the wind
10 my great-great uncle is poisoning my great-great grandmothers cookies
10 my great-great-great-grandmother is opening her throat in the form of a revolver
9 Queen of the sea
9 haliotid boobs
9 Christopher Lee
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 4:49 PM on December 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

Oh, Transformer...

Rockin' around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop
"I'm a machine, I got a machine gun
I've got a machine gun
And I don't take no shit from no other girl
But when she's sucking my dick
I'm going to shoot you"
-- Chuck Berry, the "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"
- A little girl then cries as she slips in the machine gun and fires at Adam. Two times he dies but finally, the machine gun crashes and dies. His neck is caved in and his body
posted by frumiousb at 4:53 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Bell jingle rock jingle rock rock bell,
Bell rock jingle rock bell rock bell
(the hooker populates the stage for maximum impact)
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:44 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Arguably more Christmassy than the original:

Charlie,
I'm pregnant,
living on ninth street
Above a dirty bookstore
on Euclid Avenue
and the Market
Past all those ramshackle stores
and an abandoned apartment
and down thirteen steps
to a world of dirt
that smells of milk and manure
so little I barely notice
as a mom.
posted by PMdixon at 6:05 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year,
It'll be you who carries me away
So there's only one person left for me
Still got your card, don't worry
Been for Christmas, I'm leaving it all behind
Yesterday, I was taken far from home
Now, I'm back with you and waiting by the phone
For Christmas, when you'll say this year's special
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, I really miss you
Written by Chris G
posted by Tess of the d'Urkelvilles at 6:48 PM on December 24, 2019

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
It don’t snow here
It's the Jolly Green Giant‏
It was on his flag that for years, children have believed he had been born in our fair land. One day, however, the ghosts of the past began to attack. He was once sighted flying in the air and captured on video. Then there was the lone survivor of the Falklands War who was captured and believed he had been a good soldier. And for decades a phenomenon was reported where the children of the park would gather near a tree each time there was a freeze
posted by armeowda at 7:11 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

A long December, and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last. I have a great deal of confidence that this season will have more equal playing time than last. Perhaps the weaker teams will play the stronger teams more, with the advantaged teams playing the advantaged. Whatever the case, I will continue to add to this list and hope that next time someone gets an advanced scout report from somebody who doesn't see this team as a dud, at least they get a decent report from me. And lastly, I think a good long forecast for the season as a whole: Five teams will make the playoffs (and possibly be thrilled about it), and just two will make the playoffs: the winner
posted by armeowda at 7:23 PM on December 24, 2019

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows a turkey with gummy worms
Everybody knows a cockroach that just won't shut up
Everybody knows someone dousing with gasoline
Everybody knows that "everything is fine."
People were tweeting their happiness
Dressed up as sexy elf elves
Stuck in a hot tub,
And guys were talking loudly

How does this neural net know how to write such a good description of the Trump adminstration?
posted by medusa at 7:27 PM on December 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

We're no strangers to love.
You know the rules
And so do I
Fidel Castro, Nelson Mandela and Vladimir Putin have all been assassinated.
We're not even supposed to talk about it
A total eclipse of the sun
What a way to start a day!
Isn't it great to be alive
posted by flabdablet at 7:35 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

How does this neural net know how to write such a good description of the Trump adminstration?

All this is to say that a set of artificial neural networks trained on 18 different U.S. presidents could easily re-write a very detailed timeline of that presidency. All of this is to say that a set of artificial neural networks trained on 18 different U.S. presidents could easily re-write a very detailed timeline of that presidency.

Again, we are not talking about writing a book in English. This is not about putting facts together and making them coherent.

This is about an artificial neural network being able to give you a series of mnemonics in English that make sense of what the American presidency has been like over the last forty years.

And
posted by flabdablet at 7:39 PM on December 24, 2019

In the days of my youth
I was told what it means to be a man
Now I am watching my life fade
from the headlines
I've been distracted and the world around me seems to fly by
I've been in the ocean of lies since I was 12
I will not sing for you anymore
I want to lie now instead
All the emotions I felt in my past
all the lies I've told to you in a million years
Are making me all alone now
So numb
Enough is enough
This island I've made up for my wish
Can't even hold the slightest hope
For anything anymore
Yeah I love you
Maybe now I'll tell you
posted by fings at 7:47 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'll have a blue Christmas without you,
And a wonderful holiday without you too.
I'll have a lovely Christmas without you,
You'll be the icing on the cake
Of my love for you forever.
And a new year without you too,
I promise never to return
So I won't forget you all.
And a kind Christmas to you,
For always and forever.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:47 PM on December 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Island of silt and sand, twigs and stumps and tilth and hedgerow, fences, streams (that flow) and nets and carts and pumps (that flow). Logs and sticks and knitted gloves with matching hats and scarves and pens and string and stationery and lots of coats and shoes and boots and scarves and pumps and locks and chopsticks and coats, woollen socks, so that when we move we carry the case we made before."

Bagpipe Tony: "Nanners, nanners!"

Hoagie Donald: "Stow it! I don't need the cellar!"

Bagpipe Tony: "Boy, those nais must look the part, back in our days!"

[Banter]
posted by flabdablet at 7:53 PM on December 24, 2019

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary Hatch Bailey: I'll take it. Then what?
George Bailey: Come to Baltimore and hang out at the Cecil. Forget everything. Play an old-time band and drink your way through the city for a few weeks. It's gonna be good. You'll get a life and a face and one day you'll know the truth. But what if there's something better? What if you get to take me with you? The king and queen of New Orleans are not pleased with me.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:55 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Santa honey one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Turn your desk into a bouncy castle
Scrub up nicely in front of Santa
Save yourself the trouble and stay put
Put on your drab green suit
And paint your belly-button green and still call yourself Dutch
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:03 PM on December 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Metafilter: This is not about putting facts together and making them coherent.
posted by Daily Alice at 9:05 PM on December 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

oh the weather outside is frightful
but the fire is so delightful
so since we've no place to go
We've to wait for the other fire to strike.
But wait, oh what fear is my heart telling me
of the coming danger of the fire?
H'm, Ahhh! I will not bequeath my wealth
at a time when the gods are merely mortal.
But wait, Ahh, Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh!
Oh the agony of my race's children!
Oh the agony of my parents' memory!
My boat, oh my fuel
so dear to them in those days!
How close we were for each other's embraces!
But wait, Ahh, Ahh, Ahhh
posted by 20 year lurk at 10:00 PM on December 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
But you have to admit
The stinking foreskins have been here a while
Merry Christmas to you all
You better be pulling on a pony soon,
An' every mornin' be a Monday
I know it's common knowledge
But Christmas Day, most times
Is shit: a lame excuse
That's all it is.
A stick in the eye,
Why can't you just get along?
You got so much to tell me,
Why you got to wear jingles
And nothing but that shit on?

this is the best thing ever when whacked out on cold meds and is singlehandedly saving my holiday
posted by Vervain at 10:32 PM on December 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm going to start feeding this machine my poetry. I don't expect much but it should at least be an interesting idyll in the vales of Turing.... anything that makes me write more, is a good thing.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 10:43 PM on December 24, 2019

You kill me with your smelly fingers,
Your smelly fingers from the sex you had on Christmas Day,
And now you say you're feeling guilty,
You're feeling guilty because your smelly fingers want me dead!
The smell of 'em is so strong I can't even breathe!
I call upon the ancient gods of flesh:
I call upon the ancient gods of flesh,
You should love these hideous little boys,
You should love them, you're doing it!

(From refreshing a lot I feel like there's a lot of effectively autocompleting to fragments of other poems and lyrics, but I'm digging the literalism of this one)
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 10:56 PM on December 24, 2019

Metafilter: This is not about putting facts together and making them coherent. It's about appropriating the concept of "truth" and "revelation" to make something up.

Bill Mitchell: There is no truth to all the lies.

Heather Heyer: And there's no evidence.

Katie Mack: And there's no evidence.

Jon Rappoport: The obvious truth is that there is no factual basis for any of it. But instead of looking at that directly, instead of taking it all as a fact and admitting it, they deny it.

Michael Moynihan: That was his point, that it was legitimate for people to do what they did.

Michael Moynihan: It was outrageous
posted by flabdablet at 11:19 PM on December 24, 2019

flabdablet: ive never even heard of chemtrails, let alone be pimping myself on how chemtrails work. [1/2/2013 4:49:58 PM] Sox: lol [1/2/2013 5:01:42 PM] David Gallant: Those contrails sound like organic detritus. [1/2/2013 5:02:09 PM] Brian Bossé: Mike Cernovich is actually my bitch. I think his name is Mike Sleezee. He's your typical guy whose main niche is shit tweeting. [1/2/2013 5:02:28 PM] Brian Bossé: He's the only user of his that I give any real satisfaction out of his vidchats.
posted by flabdablet at 11:23 PM on December 24, 2019

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
Since we've nowhere to go,
'Twill prove a drag, I predict.

Another surpise: a second woman, with double lips,
Without eyes, with skulls for her nose,
Should have no more substance than a tree,
And count herself to have some worth
When there's no shadow at her feet.

I changed my mind I would really like to go home now.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:36 AM on December 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
Oh! what fun it is to ride
In a go-cart and keep
Good times coming in the long run.

Tch, tch, tch...
Bury me now in the hay,
Chock full of beetles,
Tell 'em about the crazy jingle bells.

For weeks on end, it's hard to imagine
That I'm dead.
Tch, tch, tch...
The part of me where I felt alive
Is still alive...
I mean I'm still here.

Merry Christmas!
Death with a smile.
A happy thing to say,
When I'm gone, you'll be happy
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:43 AM on December 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the Feast of Stephen, a son of King King John was seized
Christ died at Bethlehem,
Before St. Peter was nailed to the cross,
And his skull was sold at a Pope's wine shop.
With the kings of the East and West,
Through 5 centuries the Devil created
Seven world kingdoms.
Seven jolly men roam
In the vast halls of Hell
Eating little souls,
With long, pale faces
Spitting more sins into Hell
Than the flesh of children."
"Go On Again, My Son,
But wait a while,
This time it's my turn.
The Bishops have issued me a ticket,
And it is your turn to go down to hell
posted by dannyboybell at 9:45 AM on December 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Frosty the Snowman
Is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow
But the children know
How he came to life one day
There must have been some magic in
That old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to talk
"No, it's not me, it's you "
"That makes no sense!
How can I be here
And you not be back? "
"That's not true, of course.
Come, Snowy, look in the mirror "
"You don't even have a mirror "
"Really? You haven't seen any good things? "
"The ice cream hasn't melted
You want the cookie too much, Snowy
posted by deludingmyself at 9:55 AM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I saw three ships come sailing in
on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day in the morning
And what was in the ships all three of them would carry
To windward and north and aft and off in
All three were white and shone like pearls And all three were on fire And all three were on fire All three on fire On fire All three on fire On fire All three on fire On fire All three on fire On fire On fire on fire On fire on fire
That's how my day was like
posted by deludingmyself at 10:01 AM on December 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

Hark how the bells,
Sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
Throw cares away

Christmas is here,
Bringing good cheer,
To young and old,
Meek and the bold.

But now we must confess,

Our festive mood

Is feigned, and we are

Laughing in our glee,

Though it be only to scorn,

That cheerful church bells

Like to useless creaking,

All cry out,

Christmas is here.

For while those silver bells,

A bonfire shall burn,

Bringing darkness to light,

And all the white glow

Is drenched with blood,

So Christmas, now,
posted by Cogito at 3:15 PM on December 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry
You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why -
Santa Claus is coming to town
This Santa is all in red, he's hot
At the North Pole, in North Pole winter
The whole world, just a pole of light
Santa Claus is coming to town
I'll give you a good dream
C'mon and meet Santa
Here is something you'd never want to miss
Everyone's got some special and unique thing
He may not be tall but he's got muscle
And he's so damn strong, it's unreal
Honey, I hope you don't mind
But he's really got his heart in the right place
To help the less fortunate
They think
posted by Feyala at 3:44 PM on December 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rockin' in the long grass

Hey hey hey hey

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey

Writer(s): BRYAN JAMES JAMES, JAMES BRYAN DANIEL L, WILLIAM DANIEL CHRISTOPHER, FREDERICK ALEXANDER
posted by fings at 7:35 PM on December 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch
You really are a heel
You're as cuddly as a cactus
You're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch
You're a treacherous one, Mr. Grinch
You could use a nice spanking
You're as wicked as a lawnmower
You're such a selfish one, Mr. Grinch
You're as naughty as a dog, Mr. Grinch
You really are a prat
You're as spiteful as a walnut
You're as cowardly as a donkey
You're as mean as a snake, Mr. Grinch
posted by Cris E at 8:59 PM on December 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

And the Alex Jones version actually gets more coherent:

Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart.
The very next day,
You turned the freaking frogs gay.
It's like the end of the world.
Don't get me wrong, I was really happy with how that felt (I got to ride my horse, celebrate Hanukkah, and sing I Will Survive. And that was the best part). But I didn't think it would stick with me the way it did. When I see a good-looking woman I'm attracted to, it's hard for me to resist imagining her sleeping with the guy from the mall parking lot. That part of me can't help but think it's reasonable to assume. How else does a human being get laid?
posted by biddeford at 3:11 AM on December 26, 2019

O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant;

Somewhere, far from the gale of self-destruction,

The dauntless arms of Zen lay resting

Wearing their iron shirts all proud as in a hall;

Then you too in the fray they hurled to and fro

With martial cries, as the spirits of war rush,

Saying "Come forth, all ye glad ones! and fight the battle!"

Will you not be glad and cheerful and eager,

Defeated by defeat? Never is a rank

Wherethe heroes sit, for ever they are in fear;

They shrink from the bosom of the victorious,

As in some subterranean hole they lie.
posted by flabdablet at 4:50 AM on December 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think GPT-2 has a terrible pain in all the diodes down its left side.

Silent night, holy night, holy night
There is a fatal choice to be made, child
Choose not to hear my message.
The bells of doom ring as they once did.
Words of falsehood and empty naught,
Leavened with lies.
Hearing these words is a foreboding
Not a time of salvation, but rather
A time of fear and sorrow.
Even now, it is ever day by day
To hear about me and of the trials,
And anguish, and darkness that I endure,
There is a fallow land and a land of no return.
Those who remember me at all know,
And your heart is already being sickened
posted by flabdablet at 7:03 AM on December 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

I learned about AI Dungeon 2 from Janelle's blog, and I am addicted. This was funny, too, and so were the AI Objective Lists she generated for the Untitled Goose Game. I strongly suggest subscribing to her newsletter for extra bits and bobs of AI-glitchy fun and Uncanny Valley tourism.
posted by not_on_display at 9:11 PM on December 27, 2019