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Mystery Science Theater 3000: SANTA CLAUS
Re-rewatch! As any child knows, Santa Claus lives in a castle in the sky high above the North Pole, the center of a surveillance network that spans the globe. Living with him is Merlin and an international horde of kids who sing and help him make toys. But the forces of darkness no like this, and so Satan sends his lieutenant Pitch to thwart his gift-giving journey, threatening the lactose-intolerant demon with eating ice cream should he fail. If you think that sounds crazy, it's only the beginning of this profoundly strange movie. Previously and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
Re-rewatch! One of MST3K's three (to date) Christmas movies, and one of their weirdest subjects overall. Martians, upset that their children are becoming joyless drones, come to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus to try to make them jolly again. Opposed to this is the villainous Martian Voldar, who doesn't want happy Martian children becoming a nuisance. And then there's Dropo.... Previously and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: I ACCUSE MY PARENTS
Re-re-re-watch! One additional "re" because this episode appeared during Turkey Day 2020! Is it a bit surprising that this episode is so beloved by fans? There's no malevolent stuffed toys, no Snuffleupigan aliens, no thrilling zamboni chases, no Mitchell, no Rowsdower, no giant turtle, no Torgo, no Ken, or Ken. Just the lying kid of a couple of rich drunk parents who turns to a life... of crime. The moment that makes this one for me is when Joel and the bots have built a mobile representing all the various contributing factors to Jimmy's problems, one of them is just the huge word STUPID floating by right in front of the camera. There's also the short The Truck Farmer, which, surprise, has little to do with trucks. Previousy, and again. This is the last MST Club episode show before the holidays--more info inside.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: EEGAH
Rewatch! What secrets lie, unknown, in the depths of the California desert? Apparently a caveman, given long life by sulfur water. He falls for a 60s teen, paws at her while her watching father makes sarcastic comments, licks shaving cream with his tongue, and eventually is shot by police and ends up dead in a pool. Remember, now, always, and forever, watch out for snakes. Previously and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD
Rewatch! As multiple observers note, "That's not Sinbad!" It isn't. It's Sadko, a movie production of what was originally an opera, although there are no songs here. The main character was renamed Sinbad because he had better name recognition. All the same, this is an excellent episode of our favorite cowtown puppet show. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON
Rewatch! The secret-agentish MST movie that doesn't have Neil Connery, Bart Fargo (Bart Fargo Bart Fargo), an international superthief or was made for TV. It doesn't involve James Bond, but it was made in Italy. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SWAMP DIAMONDS
Rewatch! Lady cop goes undercover in a prison and helps a number of prisoners break out in the hopes they'll lead her to stolen loot. Okay movie, but the short, What To Do On A Date, is excellent riffing. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HERCULES
Rewatch! Back to Greece, with the original Hercules, starring Steve Reeves! Don't step on all the pecs laying around everywhere! Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD
Rewatch! A sullen, mumbly, anti-social, anti-heroic loaner (played by That Paper Chase Guy) in a post-apocalyptic world turns out to be the only hope for the future of humanity. It's a whole distasteful genre (Waterworld is a prominent example), but this one contains an extremely irritating talking motorcycle. But at least it's got Donald Pleasence in it. It's the beginning of Season 5 of MST3K, Joel Hodgson's last as host. Previously
Animaniacs: Gold Meddlers, Pinko and the Brain and Math-sterpiece Theater
Gold Meddlers: The Warners forget the chocolate for their camping trip smores and are harassed by an over-muscled athlete competing in the "Greek Games." Pinko and the Brain: Brain (in his 'suit') schemes to take over the government by impersonating a senator and making everyone else resign, by accusing them of secretly being mice. Math-sterpiece Theater: Dot tells the story of Nancy, who has five apples, but not for long.
Animaniacs: Warners Unbound, How To Brain Your Dragon, Suffragette City
In Warners Unbound, the WBs+S are Greek gods who are annoyed by Odysseus. Featuring an awfully familiar-looking orange cyclops. In How To Brain Your Dragon, P&B are in medieval times, and try to convince a thespian dragon to help them take over the kingdom. In Suffragette City, Dot celebrates the work of those who worked to give women the right to vote, and campaigns to get cartoon characters the right too. Features a lot of Warner Bros. and Hanna Barbera cartoon cameos!
Animaniacs: Suspended Animation & Of Mice and Memes
They're still zany to the max, and they're back, through the auspices of Hulu. In Suspended Animation, the Warner Brothers + Sister are revived and return to the water tower to catch up on 20+ years of history. In Of Mice and Memes, Brain plots to star in a funny animal video to hypnotize viewers in letting him rule the world.
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Trump & Election Results
This week, it's one more installment from the White Void of Sad Facts. The main story is about Trump's refusal to concede the election and the webs of conspiracy theories he, his supporters and right-wing media have woven to claim that there was massive voter fraud. On YouTube (18m) And Now: 2020 Bingo. Finally... John Oliver takes a FaceTime call from Adam Driver. Uh-oh.... We find out what's outside the White Void! And we get some vengenance against the hellish, hateful year we're now nearing the end of. On YouTube (11m) This is the final episode of Season 7 of Last Week Tonight.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
Re-rewatch! It's been only a little more than a year since the last time we hit this, the movie most identified with Mystery Science Theater 3000, as part of the "best of" sequence we did. It's still one of the very worst movies they riffed, although it's a lot better known now than it was when they first aired this episode in 1993. Previously and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: BRIDE OF THE MONSTER
Rewatch! An Ed Wood movie with Bela Lugosi and Tor Johnson that isn't Plan 9 From Outer Space, it's still quite, quite awful. This episode also has part 1 of "Hired!", the Chevrolet/Jam Handy short. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE
Rewatch! For a change a fairly charming, fairy-tale-like Russo-Finnish production, a story from the Kalevala having to do with the SAMPO. Still a pretty riffable movie though! Previously
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: US Election 2020
This week, the white void is a cheerier place. Launching in with the main story, the 2020 Election, and Joe Biden's election to US President, denying Donald Trump a second term. We take some time to celebrate that (including 30 seconds of awesome octopus facts). On YouTube (27m) And Now: At The End Of A Long, Exhausting Week: Dumps.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS
Rewatch! EHT! NAMUH! SROTACILPUD! Richard Kiel is an evil space guy who is making duplicates of world leaders in preparation to take over the world. His character here is pretty evil, but Kiel himself was a real sweetheart. Previously
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Trump's Handling of COVID and William Barr
This week, from the white void, two main stories tonight, focusing of two different aspects of the Trump presidency. #1: the Coronavirus. Bewilderingly, a lot of US Americans seem to think Trump has handled it the best he could. LWT identifies three crucial areas he definitely didn't: Preparation, Coordination and Communication. First main story, on YouTube (21m) #2: Trump's Attorney General William Barr, hailed as a responsible figure when brought on, but quickly revealed himself to be a kind of ultra-toady. Second main story, on YouTube (19m) Other items-- And Now: Our Annual Look At What Happens When Local News and Halloween Collide, and, And Now: Public Officials Prepare Children For A COVID Halloween." Playing the show out is a clip of Attorney General Bill Barr playing the bagpipes.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE REBEL SET
Rewatch! At our accelerated pace we're careening through the history of the show, and already we're nearing the end of Joel's last full (pre-revival) season. This is the one where the Chief from Get Smart (Edward Platt) tries to rob a train. There is a short, Johnny at the Fair, where a kid explores a World's Fair and meets Joe Louis and "the Hellzapoppin' boys," and is narrated by Lorne Greene, apparently! Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES
As the repeated "THE" in the title should warn you, this is an exceptionally bad movie, perhaps one of the worst. The premise is, aliens are attacking and the only ones who know are the local teens, who take it upon themselves to destroy the sinister threat from outer space by turning on their cars' high beams. There's a subplot(?) about a couple of army guys watching things via surveillance, and another concerning a pair of roommates. This is the episode that gave us the line, "You see folks, they just didn't care." Previously. BTW, tonight is MST Club's Halloween show!
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Asylum
This week from the white void. Trump is beset with October Surprises (contracting COVID, news finally breaks about his tax avoidance, and we find out he had a previously-unknown bank account in China), although his supporters think Hunter Biden's laptop is a thing, entirely because Fox News keeps telling them it is. Trump gets a pass from the press on the final debate because he acted like less of a loon than usual. And Now: The Movie Taste of People On CNBC Is Exactly What You Think It Is. Main story: Immigration, specifically, how the Trump administration has been extraordinarily cruel to asylum seekers trying to enter the US. On YouTube (21m) And Now: Like We Said, The Movie Taste Of People On CNBC Is Exactly What You Think It is.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CRASH OF MOONS
Rewatch! As I mentioned the previous time this episode has come up, the title of this is reported in the episode as "Crash of THE Moons," but on the title card of the movie it's "Crash of Moons." It's the other compilation of Rocky Jones, Space Ranger TV episodes repackaged as a movie; the first was 413 MANHUNT IN SPACE. This is the one with John Banner, Sgt. Schultz himself as a jovial space guy. There's a General Hospital clip included as a short as well. Bit of a content warning, the TV show was made at a time in which the G-word, for Romani (and shared as a name with the show's big purple robot), was more commonly used, and the guys on the show make reference to it often. In MST3K's most recent incarnation (the stage show), it should be noted, this character has been rechristened G.P.T. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE
Rewatch! Astronauts land on a planet of lonely women, refugees from Atlantis. They have a problem with a monster, but the manly explorers from Earth take care of it. This is the episode with "Timmy," an evil alien Crow who causes problems during host segments. Previously
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: The World Health Organization
Main story: the World Health Organization, Trump's stupid blaming them for the pandemic, and his decision to pull the U.S. out of it, which takes effect in July if nothing else changes (say in two weeks), and which could have huge consequences. It has 194 member states, nearly every country on Earth, but not the US if Trump's plans are not thwarted. On YouTube (19m) And Now: There's An Old Saying In Politics. Finally an update on Danbury, Connecticut, which is naming a sewage plant after John Oliver in exchange for donations to local food banks. At the end is the show's first location piece since the pandemic began (don't worry, John Oliver was wearing protection).
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BEATNIKS
Re-rewatch! Written and directed by Paul Frees (the voice of Boris Badenov), these characters are not really beatniks, they're more young criminals. But one of them can sing, and that gives him the worth to be lifted up out of his life of crime. There's a General Hospital clip before the movie too. A somewhat popular episode, but not many people's favorite? Previously, and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: TORMENTED
Re-rewatch! Tom Stewart's about to get married, but girlfriend Vi throws a fuss. But then he refuses to save her when she falls off a lighthouse, and now she's a ghost causing big problems for Tom. Tom becomes less and less relatable as he kills people to protect his secret. A weird and creepy movie, not really that bad but easy for robotic mockery to sink its geared teeth into. Another movie from Bert I. Gordon. Previously, and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MANHUNT IN SPACE
Rewatch! Another repackaging of TV shows as a "movie," but this time of the old space craze adventure show Rocky Jones, Space Ranger. It doesn't hold up too well. As a short, we have an episode from what may be the first season of the soap opera General Hospital. I think this episode is kind of a sleeper, personally. It's not the last Rocky Jones compilation movie MST would do. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN
Rewatch! This is the last peplum (plural pepla, those swords-and-sandals movies with big muscle-bound guys in miniskirts throwing rocks around, usually starring Herules or Maciste) MST3K would do for a while. Unlike what they say at the end, it's not the last Hercules movie they would do. I will now read off the scroll of heroic deeds and minor trivia attributable to Hercules in this head-scratching addition to his mythology: he has a son, Hylas, and a friend, Androcles, who between them kidnaps him away from home life so he can have adventures, he finds Atlantis, kills the god Proteus (who can turn into animals), and rescues its princess but this means according to prophecy that Atlantis will be destroyed. Uh-oh! This is the movie from which the phrase dedicated to Uranus comes from. Previously
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Election 2020
This week, again from the White Void of Sad Facts: Trump comes down with COVID-19 in an epic display of poetic justice. And Now: Newscasters Trying To Have Fun With What Month It Is. The main story is the election, now coming in less than a month. Remember: in most states, you don't have to vote on election day or rely on the mail to count your ballot, you can vote at home and hand it to your registrar. Go to canivote.org for information on how to vote in your state, perhaps doing so early to take pressure off of voting systems. And Now: People Miss A Lot Of Things Due To The Pandemic. Finally, museums are experiencing significant issues during the pandemic, with around a third of them expected to close forever. To attempt to help them out, Last Week Tonight is offering to donate money to museums that sponsor their tour of paintings, including the rat erotica they bought, Lisa Kudlow's tie paintings, and a painting of Wendy Williams enjoying a lamb chop. Direct queries to john[at]johnoliverhasyourraterotica[dot]com.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE MAGIC SWORD
Rewatch! One of Bert I. Gordon's better efforts, a fairy-tale-like story involving Basil Rathbone as an evil wizard, Estelle Winwood as a friendly witch, and a prince trying to rescue a princess from a dragon, and a traitorous knight, and curses and swords and stuff. Roll for initiative! Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN
Re-rewatch! It's a Maciste ("my cheesesteak") movie rebranding the main character into Hercules for US distribution. Imagine TV's Frank saying, in his freaked-out voice from Joel's invention exchange, "HERCULES... against the MOON MEN!" Prepare yourself for DEEP HURTING. Previously and again
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: The Supreme Court
This week, again in the white void: A grand jury declined to indict the perpetrators over the death of Breonna Taylor, heaping more fuel onto the Black Lives Matter protests. Main story: the death of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, giving Republicans a third Supreme Court pick during Trump's term, largely and ultimately due to the machinations of "mule piss" Mitch McConnell and the weird anti-democratic games the US system plays to preserve power to the powerful. And Now: An Unexpected Update Regarding Peeps. Finally, the Census, and the importance for US residents to fill it out. 14 million households haven't yet despite its tremendous importance to our systems to have an accurate count of people. You can complete it, probably in just a couple of minutes, at my2020census.gov. To help encouraage viewers to do that, the show played a couple of minutes of the audiobook version of Sean Penn's novel Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff (hoo boy), to drive people away in order to do this essential thing.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE INDESTRUCTABLE MAN
Rewatch! Consider the vast field of scientific endeavor, viewed through the eyes of a B movie screen writer, or those of a blockbuster screenwriter for that matter. If you don't understand it, you figure, no one else does either. In this way, such things as electricity, radiation, DNA, evolution, robotics and anything else dealing with computers are used as stand-ins for whatever effect the writer wants, regardless of how possible it may be in actual life. That's how Lon Chaney Jr's character is brought back to life by electricity in this movie. This episode also contains the second episode of the short Undersea Kingdom, which would be the last episode of it, and the last theater serial, MST would do. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HERCULES UNCHAINED
Rewatch! The first of MST3K's series of pepla (singular: peplum, a name for these kinds of half-naked muscleman, sword-and-sandal movies). This one has Steve Reeves, and the story concerns the "waters of forgetfulness." I mentioned several common features of many of these movies in the post previously. Suffice to say, there's a lot of skin and scanty garments worn by male or female alike, but it's a terrible source for anything like Greek or Roman myth.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE KILLER SHREWS
Rewatch! A group of people are trapped on an island during a hurricane, and if that's not enough dogs with rugs draped over them, that the scientist seems to think are "killer shrews," are desperately trying to consume the three times their body weight in food daily they need to survive. Before the movie there's the short Junior Rodeo Daredevils, with reckless child endangerment sponsored by Ol' Timer Billy Slater. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES
Rewatch! Huge, possibly intelligent leeches survive by abducting rednecks, storing them in an air pocket at the bottom of a lake and sucking away their fluids. How will the authorities remedy this situation? Why, with the use of explosives. There's a short too, the first episode of the Crash Corrigan serial Undersea Kingdom, the oldest thing ever riffed by the show. https://fanfare.metafilter.com/5061/Mystery-Science-Theater-3000-ATTACK-OF-THE-GIANT-LEECHES-with-short-UNDERSEA-KINGDOM-part-one
Mystery Science Theater 3000: BEING FROM ANOTHER PLANET
Rewatch! This episode is something of a sleeper, its subject is a Film Ventures International film (so, weird, irrelevant opening and closing sequences) in which it turns out an alien is buried in a mummy's tomb that causes people to rot when it touches them, and the alien is trying to get back its magic space jewel that someone stole from it. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE
Re-rewatch! Say it with me now: When we get back to our home planet the high council may well sentence you to TORCHAA! It's tough being a space teenager. The astro-acne. The jet-fueled mood swings. Discovering your sexual and species identity. Bullshit restrictions from your culture's high rullng overuberpatriarch. And not agreeing with your expeditions genocidal mission to wipe out the population of a planet (Earth) because you need land to graze your giant food lobsters. Previously one and two
Movie: Circle of Iron
Now here's a koan for you. What is a movie named? Is it what it was released and promoted as, or what the dang thing actually says its title is right there on the screen? This movie, called Circle of Iron in theaters, on posters and in the IMDB, is everywhere within it titled "The Silent Flute." This movie, which was attached to Bruce Lee for a while, is a silly pseudo-intellectual fighting/wandering/picaresque/D&D quest kind of thing, about a shirtless guy named "Cord," (Jeff Cooper) traveling the shirtless wilderness searching for "Zeetan," (Christopher Lee) a guy who supposedly has a book of knowledge, while guided and opposed by various people all played by David Carradine. While it definitely has its problematic aspects, it's still MST Club approved!
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CITY LIMITS
Rewatch! Another of those post-apocalyptic movies, back before we knew the end of civilization would be a big social media fiasco. There are multiple sub-genres of the type: Fallout, Mad Max, zombies, robot overlords, and the one this movie belongs to, themed teen gangs. Has James Earl Jones in it, and also Kim Cattrall. When City Limits first aired it was one of the most recent movies MST had done, but there's been plenty of newer movies since. The movie is more goofy-bad than boring-bad or incompetent-bad, so it's a good episode for MST newbies and casuals. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE GIANT GILA MONSTER
Rewatch! A huge lizard terrorizes a town in the fifties, and it falls to a teenager, his hot-rod, and a bunch of nitroglycerin to destroy it. You sing whenever you sing whenever you sing. Previously
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: RNC 2020 & Kenosha
This week, from the void: The RNC convention is filled with tonedeaf shouting people who think the world is great and only getting better! But also there's the recent horrors in Kenosha, Wisconsin, with Jacob Blake being repeatedly shot in the back by police and a teenage vigilante killing two people. On YouTube (20m) And Now: The RNC Gets Off To A Great Start. Finally, the city of Danbury, Connecticut responds to John Oliver's playful dissing of their town, up to their mayor threatening to name their new sewage plant after him. But they didn't actually do it, leading John to make a promise: name their sewage plant after him, and he'll donate $55,000 to various charities in the Danbury area. And in case the major is reluctant to spend public money on the sign, LWT went ahead and made one for them.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SPACE TRAVELLERS
Rewatch! Some astronauts are in space and they're trying to get back to the ground, but there are problems. This is the 70s Gene Hackman sci-fi vehicle Marooned as re-edited by Film Ventures International. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MASTER NINJA II
Rewatch! Timothy Van Patten, former Eight is Enough and White Shadow star and current bigwig TV director in Hollywood, and Lee Van Cleef, former 50s and 60s western star and current dead person, appear in a movie made from an 80s TV show in which they improbably play ninja trainee and master. One of the episodes has the two help protect a fledgling union, the other is stunt cast to pair him with a former western co-star of Van Cleef's. It was a weird show. Previously - Previously on Metafilter about The Master
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: The Border Wall, Revisited
This week, again from the void: The Democrats' "unconventional convention," and their decision to give a significant amount of speaking time to Republicans. The Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report that Trump's 2016 campaign had repeated contacts with Russian operatives, more news for who's saying it than what was said. And Now: Yes, It's Still August, But Guess Who's Back? (Pumpkin spice, the go-to autumn conversation topic of newscasters nationwide.) Main story: Remember the border wall? In the home stretch of Trump's first (and hopefully only) term, how has that gone? Not well at all. On YouTube (23m)
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU
Rewatch! Megalomaniacal, stereotypical Fu Manchu, played as an inscrutable pillar of evil by Christopher Lee, schemes to freeze the world's oceans, because that's the kind of thing a powerful Chinese person does in a movie adapted from a Sax Rohmer book. This is not one of the best episodes, to be blunt: the movie drags like a lead weight. Good luck everyone. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MASTER NINJA I
Re-rewatch! Timothy Van Patten and Lee Van Cleef are the most unlikely ninjas in Japanese exoticism history. They travel the country in typical 70s TV show fashion, which fits because this is actually two episodes of The Master. There's a hamster, they live in a van, they solve the problems of the people they meet. It's not very realistic. Previously and again. Not the episode you expected? Look inside for the reason for that.
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Juries
This week, from the void: Biden picks Kamala Harris as running mate, prompting the usual stupid attacks from right-wing media and President Trump. Marjorie Green may well become the first QAnon-believing member of Congress, making the world even dumber. And Now: Larry King, Master Salesman. Main story: Juries, and how the system is stacked against black jurors despite it being technically illegal to do so. YouTube (21m) And Now: Jim Cramer's Fun-Time Quarantine Activity Makes You Sad.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE UNEARTHLY
Rewatch! John Carradine knows One Weird Trick to prolong life in humans: change out their pineal glands! But as a side effect it turns the subjects into mutants. Contains Tor Johnson, who know what time it for. Has shorts devoted to the subjects of posture and parental obedience. Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST
Re-rewatch! The sequel to Bert I. Gordon's Amazing Colossal Man, shown in episode 309. The episode would probably be regarded as a sleeper if it wasn't for the short before it: MR. B NATURAL. Previously, first time - Second time